[peaches100]

I seem to have virtually inpenetrable protector parts that are so focused on keeping child parts of me safe from being hurt that they refuse to allow anybody to come near the child parts for any length of time, including my t, who i have been seeing for 10 years. The most i've been able to do is to drop my guard and let her interact with them for very limited amounts of time -- after which i go right back to being armored away and guarded. I find it very, very hard to allow myself to move closer to my t emotionally, or to allow her caring to reach inside me. Even though parts of me from the beginning have cried out for a close and nurtured feeling with her. I've found that i obsessively use email as a way to try to feel connected with her because i can't take the chance on connecting for real in sessions. I want to, i really do, and i need to, if i am ever going to be able to bring out my pain and heal. But i am often stuck in a kind of guarded or numb state, and i don't know how to get out of it. My t always seems to come back to the idea that i have a part of myself that keeps me distant and pushes her away, and that maybe it is because i do not fully believe she is trustworthy. But i'm not sure that's it. I do know i am deathly afraid of attaching and then losing the relationship at termination. Maybe a part of me feels that if i keep myself from truly attaching to her, it won't hurt so much when she retires. But it keeps me aching and yearning for comfort that i do not allow myself to have.

Can anybody relate? Any ideas on how to resolve this kind of an impasse?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I seem to have virtually inpenetrable protector parts that are so focused on keeping child parts of me safe from being hurt that they refuse to allow anybody to come near the child parts for any length of time, including my t, who i have been seeing for 10 years. The most i've been able to do is to drop my guard and let her interact with them for very limited amounts of time -- after which i go right back to being armored away and guarded. I find it very, very hard to allow myself to move closer to my t emotionally, or to allow her caring to reach inside me. Even though parts of me from the beginning have cried out for a close and nurtured feeling with her. I've found that i obsessively use email as a way to try to feel connected with her because i can't take the chance on connecting for real in sessions. I want to, i really do, and i need to, if i am ever going to be able to bring out my pain and heal. But i am often stuck in a kind of guarded or numb state, and i don't know how to get out of it. My t always seems to come back to the idea that i have a part of myself that keeps me distant and pushes her away, and that maybe it is because i do not fully believe she is trustworthy. But i'm not sure that's it. I do know i am deathly afraid of attaching and then losing the relationship at termination. Maybe a part of me feels that if i keep myself from truly attaching to her, it won't hurt so much when she retires. But it keeps me aching and yearning for comfort that i do not allow myself to have.

Can anybody relate? Any ideas on how to resolve this kind of an impasse?

Have you tried working on this while in the safe environment of a mental hospital? Heres my story on some of my protector alters.

I have never had any protective alters where I would never switch into alters in front of people because that protector alter was protecting the other alters. If I did that then I probably would never have been diagnosed DID to begin with. It was my therapist recognizing I was switching into all kinds of alters that caused her to refer me to a psychiatrist for diagnostic testing. Back then I didn’t know anything about alters and DID. Even when I couldn’t and wouldn’t put my guard down around the therapist after I was diagnosed. I still switched whether I liked it or not. So I cant help you with that part of this.

But I did have alters that were protectors where they would get extremely violent and I would get some very unsafe urges to harm myself and commit suicide if my therapist brought up a topic and I switched into certain alters which had those kinds of memories. Everything would be fine, I would be interacting with my therapist while being those alters then suddenly bang the coloring would get destroyed, the clay we were playing with got smashed and thrown out a window, toys broken, lots of swearing and stomping/stampeding out the door. and then for weeks I would be attempting suicide and self harming.

What we did was left those memories alone until after we had cleared up all the other alters memories and they had merged and became one with me. It was clear to my therapist that on all levels I was not ready to take on knowing and accepting those memories. After all the others had been merged and became one with me I had the strength and knowledge of all parts of me that had merged. This gave me the strength, calmness and ability to break through to those alters and memories that were so deeply protected.

We then found out I had been programmed to act out violently, to harm myself and to commit suicide should any of those memories be disclosed. That’s when I had to be hospitalized and these alters and memories dealt with while being kept in the safe environment of the state mental hospital. Once they were merged with me and I had accepted them as part of me and their memories as being things that happened to me it was safe for me to live outside the mental hospital again.

[reg12]

Yes. That all makes sense. That is a normal response. Fear, difficulty in trusting others and a sense of betrayal are normal interpersonal relationship issues that you do experiance from your past. Also abandonment issues sound like they do control your fears. Does your T or you talk with the protector?

I find the best way is to get past the road block is educate youself and your protector. The protector is just doing their purpose, so that is all they know how to do. Same with you also.

My T has worked with my teen (who serves as my protector)...I think as she trusts him more, he can reach the rest of us more.

I wonder if there is a way that T can work with your protector to help her let down her guard?

[Hunny]

have been talking together for about a year now... whoo hoo, big deal (sarcasm in case you didn't pick it up...WISH







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