[WePow]

Trig warning for CSA and SI topic (no graphic details)....

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First, thank you guys for the help last night and in posts. We just could not handle what happened with this past weekend with an injury to my friend and then with working non stop. I just was pushed too far and today it all came crashing down on top of me.

We were at work - we took off yesterday and slept alot trying to get rested as a system - but today at work just was too much. When something happened that is the most difficult part of my job, well Mick snapped - literally. She got up and slammed my hand into something (still hurts) and then I ended up in the upstairs bathroom on the floor with a shouting match between Mick and me. She was heck-bent on either getting me to leave my entire life as in running away ( with her mentality being 15 that is the only thing we knew at that age) or just ending things for me - which is NOT an option!!

Protector Elaine was trying hard to help me by staying out but she was having a hard time keeping the system together. The Little One did well by staying up in the attic away from the chaos - we put her up there a couple of nights ago when we felt Mick getting rather upset. But the 5 yr old Zachary was very afraid and was slipping out. Elaine managed to get us back to our managers desk. He did so great in making sure we knew we were safe. I was not able to talk and kept slipping too far back but could hear questions from him. Tried to use sign language but he did not know that. I felt so bad because our team was already short handed - and I just could not function at all. Mick kept thinking she was going to get us fired and I was terrified of Mick hurting us more and worse. UGG

Our manager had us get Ts cell number and call him. It went to his voice mail. Not sure even what I was able to say. Words were not easy to think or say. But we knew T would be in the office today. It is not far from where I work and our manager followed us in his car as we went to T's office. We knew we would be safe there at least. He had someone else waiting for him and I felt like a heal being there when I wasn't supposed to be - but I had no where else I could go. T came in and ended up rescheduling the other guy so he could see me. MAN... poor guy! He had his journal out and everything and ready to do his stuff and then some "crazy" girl comes in and takes his T-time! I felt realy really bad for that. But T told me I did the right thing and not to feel guilty. I know if I was doing ok and someone came in to see T in the shape I was in today, I would totally let them have my slot without a word. So I have to trust that. You know?

Anyway, man ... Mick did have alot to say. It was so hard to keep there in session with Mick. I spent most of the time with Mick out wondering when the next punch to my head was going to happen. So I missed alot of what she said. But T caught it all and did a concise recap for me. And bottom line is T and I both know that Mick has got to be addressed. I don't think Mick wants that - well she didn't as it was one of her points of contention with me. But it is her trying to keep me protected from the past memories. And also from the emotions she carried that do carry tons of shame for her. No wonder when T said I had shame I denied it! I never felt it because Mick had it with her. DID is so strange like that!!!

So at the end, T made Mick promise him she would not harm me. She had to think about it and she makes a point to always keep her promises... says that is the only thing that she has that is her own is her word. So after she made a deal with him that I would promise not to start looking through "her" letters from one of our primary abusers, Mick promised not to hurt me. Thank God!

Now I have slept a few hours but wanted to post here to let you guys know we are safe. Trying not to worry about my job or what will happen there. I got to just go through each day now and really trust the therapy process. I have never been more afraid in my life than I was today. Not of just Mick, but of trusting T and turning it over to him. He could have told me to do anything in the state I was in and I would have done it. Talk about being vulnerable. OMG. At the very end, Mick actually asked T for a hug and he gave us one! Mick has never asked for a hug before. She hates them! But it was her. I was comming and going but I was in the background shocked when she asked that. She has balls, I will give her that much!

The work still has to be done and I have such a long way to go. Tons of stuff I have got to work through WITH Mick. But I think that in spite of the rapids we faced today, we may just be able to learn how to get through these waters.

Thank you guys again for being here yesterday. It really made more of a difference than you might ever know. Thank you.

[anderson]

We be so happy it worked out that way. We hope Mick lets the little find comfort to cause it sounds like she is starting to like the man to. You get pleanty of sleep and know u get lots of safe hugs send to all of you from all of us.

[Elysium]

Wow!!!

(((((WPowers)))))

I'm sorry I didn't catch on last night that you were in distress. I would have been there for you!!

But I want you to know how proud I am of you and of Mick...and everyone in your system for how you all handled your experience yesterday.

You all worked together, despite how horrible it was, and you were all able to make good decisions and get what you needed.

You know, despite how things may feel...I think there was a big and important turning point for Mick yesterday. It sounds like Mick is making progress. Albeit painful progress, but the system really did well.

So good job to all of you, and know that we are here for you now.

Keep us posted on how you be doing...K!!

[Hunny]

((((Wpowers)))))

We pat ourselves and you on the back Wpowers for the other day we transitioned from one job to another (we do this regualarly) but for us this is 'huge'. It is a stressor that jumbles up the system so much we are barely holding on for dear life. Holding on and maintaining, even as you may have read our posts that evening, you see how many alters arrived out.

And...on top of all this we working everyday and seekign healings and mybe a little social time or fun time.

Last night wwe longed for a spa or something. It take so much energy just to go forward and then on those stressor days or overtired days it is even more strenuous. We not feeling sorry for self/ves. We been doin' this for years. We just want a little recognition that mental health days should be allowed special for we types...but we dare not even say what we are at the work place...oh, dear.

We have worked every year of our working life, 'cept when our children were little only for a few years and one other year when we first got dx. The is a strenuous condition and gets strained more under certain work situations, especially with some alters.

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[Fox]

{hugs wp} I'm so sorry I wasn't here yesterday for you wp. It sounds to me that your boss is very understanding and was very helpful. Take a few breaths you'll be okay. I'm glad Mick got to vent and I hope she learns to do it in a more productive way in the future <3333 If there's ever anything I can do for you guys let me know. I'm always a hearing ear.

Oh! BIG sorry for not catching this earlier!! We would have been here for you in a heartbeat!
We're wicked proud of you & Mick!! (Mick rocks BTW!) Let us know anytime if ou guys need anything, ok?

[WePow]

Thank you all mega time for the love and support. You all have been just beyond wonderful!!! It is like I have finally found a home here with everyone! We just got back from T and it was an awesome session. Mick got to talk about stuff and it was good to be able to put things together inside. My T commented that it really was like having a whole family inside one body! I was like "Yah! Now you got it!" LOL

It really isn't easy for people without DID to fully understand what we live with each day. So being able to talk with you guys here - well it is like we are finally understood and in the midst of friends!

Thank you and tons of very very big hugs. And also I am reading posts but sorry for lack of replies. Just still recovering from yesterday... was very much like getting hit by a mac truck - or a Mick truck! LOL ! Hey, even she laughed at that! :-)

(((wpowers))) Mick Good for all of you!!

[Hunny]

lol, we like that joke mack, mick lol

hsiW
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[anderson]

(((((wpowers))))) u be so good we glad u be here to uhelp us a lot.

[krazy_phoenix]

You are so brave! Amazing! Congrats to you and Mick, and all in system. Thank you for sharing!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((wpowers))))

Thank you for sharing such a hard thing. I am proud of you and Mick for the work you all are doing. Mick is being so brave as you are in this struggle. Getting memories and learning of things is so hard.

The others need to have that trust as well as we. They have held something within for so long to protect us and to allow that to become light for them is a big thing. They have to bring down the safety wall that they have held up for so long.

Each one within has done something amazing for each of us. They took on what we could not do so we could live. It takes so much for them to lower that guard that they had to have to keep things safe and us safe. They have done such great work.

I know things are scary and tough for you. But once again you have given us all hope in you and Mick. So many times we wonder what is next. And so many times we want to shut down and off so the pain and fear and anger does not show.

The fear of it all showing because at a time when things were so unstable and those feelings were not allowed to be felt and even known. I know for me, I have not a clue of some of the emotions the others hold within. For the emotions that I know are fear and terror. Those were instilled within me all along.

I know those other emotions are there and sometimes I get a taste of something that really scares me. Each one inside knows what I do not know. But in time will find out when I am reaady and they are ready.

I so appreciate you and what you are sharing with us. You are touching my life more than you will ever know. Thank you. I thank you and Mick for sharing. For as hard as it is you are risking telling and sharing. And I am honored to be here and sharing this journey with you all.

Sending many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[WePow]

(((((( dps ))))))) thank you a billion times for writing that.... that is all I can say. And that I am crying - good tears. Like somehow if it helps you out - then the pain is worth it in an odd way so others can be helped too.

[Hunny]

We work on one hand Wpowers to help ourself/ves so much and on the other hand to build up others so the healing can go on and on.

It is what we have to do but in a 'wanting too kind of way'.

Some countries 'traumatized' not exists as wee are because even though they are.... they not allowed to be. Freedom to heal comes at such a great cost and we respect you Wpowers for forging ahead.

[WePow]

Thank you all for your support. We are back at work today with others around. Worked yesterday here but no one else was around so we felt safe. It is not easy and our chest keeps burning. And I was hearing outside my head today and once even saw the rug in the private bathroom upstairs (the bathroom that is usually our safe room but we went there Thursdsay and Mick was yelling at me and I was crying and people were at the door! UGGGG ) but today that rug on the floor looked for real like it was moving in waves. Knew it was just me. But that is what it looked like. Still we are trying to stay grounded and present. Manager was so kind and helpful and I thanked him. I am very blessed to have the job I have - which is why I am fighting to hard to keep sane!!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((wpowers))))

We are here for you and we are walking with you and Mick. It is not easy to walk this road to healing but each day we walk and each step we take is another victory. For some we were not to ever walk again and against the odds we are doing that one step however small it may be but a step none the less.

And even when the steps seem to go backwards, when we keep getting up against the odds and reaching forwards however small the reach, we are defeating what they never thought we could. And you are doing it. I know it is hard and scary. For we are in a place such that just being is all sometimes we can do and even that is hard.

We are here for you. We are cheering you on and Mick. We are proud of you. We know the struggle you go through each day. But we are proud to be a part of your life. For you are an inspiration to us all. And you are not alone.

Keep posting and keeping us informed. Know we are only a post or PM away. Love you. Always.

dps

[WePow]

((((((( dps )))))))) You so awesome

We really hope you and Mick and all are doing well. You all are so brave and stronger than you give yourselves credit for. You inspire us so much.

[WePow]

Thank you all so much. I really needed you guys this week - and it was wonderful to have you there for me. So thank you again.

I went to see T today - my first session since THE Flasback as it will be forever known. I think this one was THE one that Mick was trying so hard to keep from me. And now I understand why. My T thanked Mick for protecting me until I was ready to process this in a safe way. That was the key to me being able to have survived what I experienced.

It amazes me how the human mind can do so much to protect us in this way. I finally for the first time allowed myself to cry about this. I was safe with T. And the tears came on their own. Kinda took me by surprise. Not familiar with that happening.

Hugs!!

(((Wpowers))) Yay! Mick!! Good job!

[Hunny]

((((((((( Wpowers (Mick) and your T )))))))))

It is so wonderful to hear these pieces of news.



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[anderson]

((((((Wpowers +Mick+T))))) we so happy for you. You all give us hope thank you so much for sharing. You all be in our prayers.