Been gone to long am i ok here? *Trigger*

I am not sure why but I have been gone for a long time. Not even sure how long. But I had a bad day and was reminded by a friend that I am not alone. It feels like I am. I had a bad thing happen at work and it hit a big trigger for me. It sent me in a tail spin and gave me a full blown anxiety attack. My AA sponser told me that I handled it wrong and that I am taking things too personal. I thought she would understand triggers but I guess not. I keep fazing in and out and can't stop shaking or crying. I keep trying to push it away but as soon as I think i will be ok it all comes russhing back in like a tidal wave. I just want to take some pills and go to bed and hide from it all but, something keeps me from doing that.

It was a good day till about 1230. I was at a table with some of the other leads and sups that I work with. This sup said she had something to tell us and that she was just going to be blunt. We were like ok what. She said that in a meeting she and the other sups had with management somethings were brought up and some names were called out. We were like what are you talking about. She looked at me and told me that the head of our airport the FSD or head honcho has been having round table meetings with the officers we work with and that some names were put out as not doing thier job. She told me that these officers told the FSD that I just stand at the xray posistion and bad mouth everyone and dont work and dont do my team rotations right and that I need to be dissaplined by the sups for not doing my job right. This is the first I have heard this complaint. Just about 2 weeks ago the AFSD (assistant to the boss) told me that I work to hard and need to stand back and direct the officers more and bag searrch less. Im like ok but now I am being told that I dont do my job. I have not changed anything. I go to work I support my team and lead by example and do the rotations like the management want with allowed minor changes to allow for what the officers want. The AFSD came down over a month ago and said we were only to do our rotations every half hour and the officers were to no longer see the rotations we were to tell them where and when to rotate. This was not recieve well at all. After enough officers came to me with complaints and hard feelings I sent out a letter to the management telling them the effects of the change. the AFSD called me in to dissucss it. and basically told me that things would not change and that I was supposed to support the change and get the officers to feel the same. Well he also said that no one has complained to him about it and wanted to know why I was the one comig forward and not the officers. So later that day I was on the lanes and he came out to observe. One of the officers said she would love to tell him what she felt when I said he wanted to know why the officers did not tell him. I told her go now let him know how you feel. She did and the next day he called an impromptu meeting with several officers. Well that meeting led to a meeting between him and us leads. There he said that things were being missinturpated. The rotattion can be down how ever we want to do them and that the officers could see it and that we were to still make sure the rotations were done every half hour. I am like ok that I can work with and that is what I have done. I fill out my private list and keep a seperate one for the officers that is updated every half hour. But if someone needs to know something I can still answer thier questions. I still try to lead by example in that I work because I am part of a team and expect my officers to work. I dont expect my officers to do something that I wont do. But now there is this personal attack out of no where. It hit me and hard. It dreges up old feelings that I buried years ago. I feel like the work I do means nothing and that I am alone and i am inadiquit at my job. My sponser says that I am taking it to personal and that I should have stayed at work and just sucked it up because no one is perfect. She said that bosses in her past have said things that were mean and she did not leave because she got upset. I feel like i have been thrown under a bus and run over a few times. I dont know who to trust or what to do. I dont know what will happen tomorrow when I get there. and I dont know how I will handle all the questions I know will be asked from all levels. I just want to hide and not feel anything. This is the way I felt when I was drinking and when I cut. neither of which i want to do but I feel compled to do it. I am so lost and my anxiety level is off the scale.

anyway I have taken enough of your time so I will bow out and wait for the meds to kick in.

diana

((((((((((DianasClan))))))))))))

Welcome back. I am so glad you remembered to come here and let it all out.

It must be so hard in your industry right now. Even from this vantage point there were stories and news items that things at airports are getting scrutinized, especially since the December issue. It is not fair, to staff, to be sure and we hope and pray things will settle down for you soon. Hold fast girl and call on all you resources. We missed you.

In the meantime you are good to rest this evening. Stick close and we will be here for you!

You are not alone!

Love,
Hunny

.

Been wondering where you'd been off to...

Yes you're fine to be HERE.

That's what we do come and go and come back when we need a lift, or claification, to remember wer're not alone and we're not crazy.

You're always welcome

Always waiting for you suggestions too.

I am sorry you got stuck in the position as advocate and are the one suffering the repercussions. I too have been in a position where people have confided in me and I thought I was doing the right thing and ended up being the target from both sides. It's not just about getting in trouble with your superiors but it's about trying to do the right thing and getting caught in the middle. It's about how this affects your reputation. I understand and I also know it's not right that this happens. I hope that you can try to see that you are a caring and proactive person and sometimes, no matter how good our intentions, you will get the flack at times. Don't let them win and don't let others have too much power if you can. I hope you feel better soon. I am sending you well wishes.

I just want to take a moment and say thank you for you warm reception. It means alot to us that we have a place we can come and be understood. We are very greatfull to have this place. Thanks to all.

Denise of the Clan

((((((Dianasclan))))))))) welcome back My team just got here a few months ago but we are glad that you thought of this place. we send you safe hugs and hope you know that you are not alone no more.

Welcome back (((((DianasClan)))))

Yes, you are absolutely fine here.

I'm so sorry to hear about the upset with your work. Work and career issues can be so difficult to deal with. I'm going through my own and i just feel sick inside because my career is so much a part of who I am. These things can be devastating.

We're all here for you. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

As far as what your sponsor said...everyone copes with their issues differently and all experiences affect everyone differently. Don't hold yourself to other people's ideals. For folks with DD's, many things work differently internally than they do for others without.

Welcome back DianasClan!!!

(((((Diana'sClan))))) and welcome back to the place of understanding.

How 'uncomfortable' (sorry, just can't think of an appropriate word here) it must be for you to have your buttons pushed so publicly by the supp at the table in front of your peers. How very unprofessional of that person to make such an announcement, particularly when you have been so very professional in your approach and handling of what you recognise to be a potentially sensitive situation for your staff and seniors. No wonder you are feeling betrayed and exposed.

Stay firm in your knowledge that you have been true to yourself and your staff, and that you have done the right thing. My experience has been that there is always a scapegoat down the chain of command for the mistakes/short-sightedness/unproactiveness/etc of the ones further up the chain. If you think about your peers that are on your employment level, have any of them faced situations that may have seemed unfair from above command? Remember, that although this time must be in reality very intense for you, these things do have a habit of blowing over and becoming secondary to the next big issue on the boss's list.

We hope you can ride out this storm and see it become the size of the tea-cup it belonged in in the first place. You are strong, capable and competent, and these qualities will see you through. Say no to the saboteur within, you have come too far. This is simply a test to prove to yourself that you can cope. And I believe you will.

Thinking of you, and sending you hope, peace and light on your journey.
kp

((((((((((((DianasClan)))))))))) I'm so sorry work is a struggle right now. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come here and get support though. Welcome back!

(((DianasClan))) i'm glad you're back and using this place for support.
It's a hard place to be in, being in between the upper managment and the line workers. In effect, you ae the middleman and take crap from both sides. I'm sorry your sponser didn't give you more support. It isn't always easy to "suck it up" nor should you always have to. Go back, hold your head up and do you job as well as you always have. If the people who work under you have an issue, tell them they're free to go to management themselves. Don't be anyones scapegoat.

{sends Diana safe hugs}

{{{{{{{{{{{{ Dianasclan }}}}}}}}}}}}

sorry things have been so hard for you at work but we are so pleased that you remembered us and knew that you could come here to us your friends and we would be here to sit and comfort you through these hard times. Take care of you right now and know that you have nothing to reproach ypourself for ................go into work hold your head high!!!
know that we are here whenever you need us

silentones xx

safe hugs for any that need them