[darkpurplesecrets]

It is early morning when the rest of the world is sleeping and my mind once again will not shut off. My world feels as though it is falling apart and seems all I have are my pen and paper to take down what I feel. As I write I am flooded again with emotions and feelings that not even myself can explain. My head races and my heart pounds and I can only hope that what I write makes some sort of sense. Anxiety takes over and I am once again drawn into the claws of fear. I feel its grip as it clamps down on my being and it is too strong for me to escape. Such a grip holds me and I cannot see for the tears that fill my eyes. I struggle to push the emotions down again, and I try not to give into the tears.

It feels as though there is nothing left inside and that life itself is trying to slip away. Feelings of I should have never been born scream out in a different voice other than my own, yet it is connected. Someone screaming hope is deadly. Trying to pretend what is inside me does not exist but it's presence does not go away. It is hard to put into words this jumbled feeling inside that fights deep within me to be heard. Trying to give the respect for myself in the right to exist. Time? What is time and where does it go? It's day and then it's day again. There's always a voice or a thought that just will not shut off.

Words. How many words can one write? How many times can they make sense? I ask myself this question. Words come from inside, from somewhere deep in my being. Trying to express what we feel----what I feel. By not telling holds the secret close and somehow holds with it safety. It takes you in and spits you out. Every shard ripping as it hits my heart. But when I try to move my heart out of the way, it feels out of place. I hear voices calling like the distant wind through the hours. It cuts and breaks but no sound, no moment clear but it brings doubts that are crystal clear--that crash hard into the secret winds. It twists and turns’, it changes colors and back again. It cuts you up and throws you about. Yet it never changes.

The line of sanity is thin and where it takes you is thin and it keeps you walking. It never stops. How many times can it cut? How many shards have to cut before one bleeds to death? How silent does one have to become before someone knows something is not right? Our words may not make sense to anyone outside of me but they are as an open world in here. Sometimes in a world of screams and voices, they are the sanity link and pieces that time has left. Words that needed to be said back when they did not even make sense. Maybe sometimes they do not make sense because I cannot find the way they should come together. Sometimes finding myself straining to hear what someone is trying to say as it comes out a muffle beneath tears that no one sees falling.

I fight from the core of my being for those within to be heard somehow for I know that at any given moment without this connection through words I could be sucked away inside to never come back. Fear is real and it is a part of the connection. It reminds me that I am fighting to stay present. Silence. As sometimes I see others mouths moving but I cannot make out their words. Fear grips a hold and rips at me, especially fear from those within that still struggle to get their words out. All those within myself whose words do not make sense yet scream out to somehow be heard. Fighting to get those words together in the right form to tell what they feel. Everyone within needs to be able to feel that what they hold is important and that I am trying to connect the letters to their words. Trying to connect and to stay connected outside our world. And with each day that passes the fear of losing that connection feels so real.

Writing for a connection to my mind because somehow it seems to disappear if I do not connect. Somehow words make the connection of being alive and somewhere. Somehow the dots seem to connect when I write. Somehow connecting to a world outside of myself. And that knowing that within that connection I am not alone. Sometimes that connection is a struggle to be sure it is real. Because within we are all struggling to pull open a door that has never seen the light. And hidden within that darkness lies the unspeakable where words lye dormant seeming to need permission to speak, but even in the silence they say more than anyone knows.

Today I am suppose to go to therapy, but something within is fighting not to go. All day yesterday thoughts of not going filled my mind and even now thinking why we cannot go. The dream keep coming and I awake terrified once again. For everything seems so real in the darkness and I am afraid to go back to sleep. The screaming out for it to stop yet realizing it has stopped already except in my mind. The word still rings out in my head no matter how hard I try to shut it off. Feeling as though a bright light keeps shining down at what is taking place so that I can see it clearer, when all I really want is for it to shut off.

Tears fill my eyes just as they did so many times yesterday and they burn from sleep that will not come and a mind that will not shut off to allow any rest to come. Seems this time of year is always filled with sleeplessness and awaking hours. The past several nights the time on the clock says the same thing when I awake not able to close my eyes again. It almost is like the internal clock going off knowing what time it is and what this time holds. Words cannot be written yet of what is going on because those very words would bring to life in black on white and something that would be tangible to see. And even though I can see it in my mind, somehow bringing it outside of myself terrifies me.

So I write what I can then try to share it here. Hoping it is okay and that even feeling as though I do not deserve anyone to care or be there somehow they will be. Hoping someone can somehow hear, somehow get something from these words. Maybe they do not make a lot of sense but they are screaming volumns from where we are. And they are trying to say something even if it is somewhere between the lines they are speaking. For sometimes you can write as many words as you can yet the very thing needing said have no letters or sound other than silence between the lines, but sometimes that is all it takes to start the avalache that could fall with time.

Sorry this is so long and rambling thoughts. Somewhere within this even I am trying to hear what is being whispered yet screaming out in a silence not heard. They say a picture paints a thousand words so can the words paint that picture? I drew a picture yesterday that I will post and share soon. Sometimes fear stops me short yet knowing that the way out is allowing those things to come. Sometimes I wish I just knew what those things were.

dps

[anderson]

(((((((DPS)))))))
We with in send you safe hugs to let you know that you not alone and you all with in do deserve the right to a safe and loving right to be treated as a human being. With respect even if you no go to T know that you are still needed here. to help others that are on the same path as you. We pray that all with in may hear this meassage when the body reads it.

[Miracle1986]

(((dps)))
*sitting with you and holding your hand* (if ok)