Finding the "adult"

I saw t today and am going to see her tomorrow too. My "homework" is to find the adult. I know how an adult should act and think, but I don't know how they feel. So, the only "adult" I can find is a rational, textbook, detached person. When feelings enter the picture, all hell breaks loose in my head. Everybody starts feeling and commenting and arguing. I don't want to pretend that I have an adult part. I'm sick of pretending. I'm tired of acting one way, but feeling another. I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be, which is really the problem because I have spent my life being who others wanted/needed and not me. I don't know how I feel about things and then different parts have different feelings on the same subject. So, who is me, or how do I bring them together when there are opposing views? I am so frustrated and confused I don't even know how to begin to describe it.

((((comp))))

My head will not think right now but I wanted you to know that I so understand and that I will write soon. I wanted you to know that I care and am here for you. Know that you are not alone and we all have asked those very same questions a hundred times before. I will write soon as soon as I can think and stop all these thoughts from going around and around in my head and can make some sort of sense. Know that we love you and are here for you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((((COMP)))))))
We are here with you.
The hardest thing of all is learning to be an aduilt when our heart is sad and little.

You may be confused but you managed to explain your state of mind very well. I can really hear your confusion. And I am sad that you experienced things that lead you to that confusion. At least now you see it for what it is. And your homework sound very good. Maybe imagine yourself in different situation and write down what you think and feel and how you react. Underline anything that looks like 'adult' to you.

A good book is Alice Miller's 'The Drama of Being a Child' - it can be a difficult read but you may benefit from it.

Its a challenging journey - the search of self - but I think its the only one journey that is worth it all!!

Good luck and we are here for you x

Complic8d, I think the adult appears when feelings and thoughts of the inside children and teen's feelings, thoughts and memories get attended to. It is a process of healing through 'therapy', and then a working out the therapy throughout the week. This all happens over weeks, months and years. It takes a long time. There may need to be times when that adult can only peek out at first and is gone for a longer period of time and then peeks out again. Eventually though, here is hoping the times out become more and more.

Like one brilliant little DIDer told me, it's kind of a situation of lost and found. She is there and all the thoughts and feelings are there (albeit some behaviours need to be learned) and with that character and personality are built but she is there comprised in all of what has been learned from the early years, the more recent years of observing others and the more recent ones in therapy and in my case my Alanon group. I find that my AACOA group gives me a bit of a guideline and the people in the group gave me a sense of reality on a weekly basis for the last 7 years, a little less than I have been in therapy. I am not always looking as healthy as others (maybe, I am not trying to compare here) but I am accepted. They had to accept me as I do them. I also found that my current family, my children have an expectation, even though they are mostly grown and I just go forward 'in action', like making a meal, helped them with school, driving, etc etc.

It was and sometimes still is kind of half faking it till I make it but the intent is to be the victor. I also was forced to take care of home and hearth due to husband being sick. Some things that the average person might think is 'a given' or easy thing to do I have had to struggle forward with. I kind of look at it like a gift. I know that sounds a bit 'flighty' but when in the past one wasn't sure how to repeat an action already performed it is huge. Do you know what I mean? I can thank the sickness of my mate which forced me to look after things no inner child should have had to but I also learned that what the adult saw the child be able to do was a great inspiration.

I have learned to make great meals this way, buy smartly, care for a vehicle, care for my physical self (an extremely hard thing to do, in terms of doctors, medical situations, just self care even to this day), create artwork, go to work, ride on public transit etc etc. Like I say it is in the daily practical things I have learned adult personality and character and also I have had to ask for help. Yes, that is a big thing too. I still have trouble as an adult with this. It is like too much for the little children though.

I hope this insight into my struggles gives you a sense of 'hope' and know that you have a purpose Complic8d and you are valued here. This is a plowing through sometimes and a gentle waiting at other times. You can do it Comp!

Oh, by the way...not that I have arrived...but I am working on it and there is more cooperation than before so that the adult is able to surface more frequently and with less interruption. I wish it did not take so long though.

Sincerely,
Hunny

(((((((((complic8))))))))

Hun, were are here for you, and I have been in your shoes.

I think you hit the nail on the head... I don't know any adult who acts like how an adult should act and as far as I see it everyone acts like a baby the only difference is shoe size and the ability to make themselves their own buttered toast.
I'm 18 and after I graduated I had a terrible time getting the thought of being an "adult".
I still am having trouble and I am very childish... I think even 38 year olds' have this problem every time they think about it.... We are creations of our own minds....some just have a harder time building than others...

Disagree with Bakery. We are creation of many things. And I suspect you originally talked about a different kind of 'adult'.

For some of us connecting with it is easier than others. Therapy can help a great deal. It takes time and hard work and hugely rewarding. By the way Comp - the book TA Today is also good in starting to find that connection.

Communication amongst and with other internal and external adults has been a bit of a struggle over the years too.

Sometimes, being here at PC allows me to practice relational skills and helps me build the confidence for in real life experiences. Whatever safe helps aide me in getting better I am so appreciative of. Relating in healthy ways, being able to have different opinions and still relate to someone is 'key'. Not falling to pieces if I get yelled at (by my sick H) but know how to put up safe boundaries has been a challenge. Finding a healthy balance between work and life and doing the work I am best at. Learning calming (grounding) skills and using them. Gosh, it is all a learned thing, a bit at a time. Not getting it right sometimes and forgiving my adult self and also not forgiving myself and being okay with that. It is all so 'huge' to think about in big chunks but if I narrow it down to a day it all seems more doable.

Process not perfection, as they say.

Hunny