The world does not wait for her................

(4-27-2010 2:40 am)

Right now we feel lost somewhere within and words seem to be there but it is hard to bring them down from inside. Afraid of something yet not able to really tell what it is. Somewhere inside there is confusion and fear that seems to be mounting and yet we cannot say what it is that is holding us almost hostage. We fear for those we care about and for her. She seems to be trying to hurt in someway so that no one can really tell. Is this self-punishment or something else?

When night comes it feels as though our heart begins to race and we cannot find anywhere that feels safe. The night speaks out in words that no one else can hear and those that seem to find us fill us with fear. Whether in our head or without they are real and they speak volumes to those within. No one can hear our cries or our pleas for they are silent just as the night. And no one knows. No one can know.

Why is it that life hurts? What makes it so? Did we really do so much wrong by being? Somehow things seem to continue in silence and we fight to stay okay. She cries so much of the time and she feels so sad. She never wants anyone to know so she waits and cries when no one is there to hear her. Sometimes she will cry when she is talking on the phone but she quiets it when anyone is around. She does not want to bother anyone and she does not want anyone to tell on us. That is what we are for to cry for her.

The day seems to come and go but the night drags on and on. Things fill our heart and mind as we try to lay down giving no rest until we get up and write. Somehow writing so that someone knows we are here. So that someone hears us. Never a sound other than the sniffles she cries in the dark and the hum of the fan in the other room. Not a breath can be heard and not a sound from her voice. She writes crying with each word brought out. If only someone knew. If only someone could step within for a moment to see where we are.

Lost as though grains of sand. Thousands of little grains no one alike. To find her would be like looking through a time glass where the sands fall from one side to the next, and somewhere within she stands. Words are like grains of sand, thousands of them never seeming to run out. Always filling our mind within the thoughts that come and go as if they need to be spoken-need to be heard. It has always been our only way to tell anything for they instilled them in us. Over and over they would make her write and when she could not we did it for her.

Words that would hurt as one by one we wrote of how worthless, bad, ugly, nobody, and nothing we were. Those words became a part of her until they became real and became one of her self. But not only did those words become part of her, they took those other words that we hear now like love, good girl, care, help, talk—and turned them into nothing. Taking her and reaching within tearing those words away. Lights, bright and flashing, with eyes open telling her there was no love anywhere that the only ones that loved her were there already.

That if anyone told her they loved her it was a trick. That she was not a good girl. They would say there was no help for no one cared and no one wanted to. That talking was wrong for in talking she disrespected those who would save her. Besides no one would ever listen or believe her. Her only one that loved her handed her over and that was love? Confusion filled her heart and hope left her filling her with rejection and knowing she was----nothing. Somehow she could not feel anything running within trying to find safety, but it seemed somehow they even got there.

The nothing feeling trickled down within the crevices of our heart and began filling each part of her nothing being left out. Tears left for they were not permitted so we wiped them up before falling from her eyes to keep her alive. Why are tears not permitted? Why would they hurt us then tell us that if we cried they would give us something to cry for? Was it not enough already? And why now is it okay to cry and to feel? Somehow that feels false and almost like setting us up to be punished once again. And we are afraid.

Trust me, you are safe with me. Is that true? How do we know? Trust never was and it never came. To reach out was to be hurt and to be hurt was to be loved. Special, we did not like to be special it hurt. Eyes that say trust me scares us. Looking into some ones eyes tells us you want something. Looking into some ones eyes is like looking into danger. And what if they can see us? What would they do then? Would they care for caring is not possible? Would they believe for no one will believe? And what would they want for something is always expected?

Though time goes on we remain somewhere within silent except these words. Too afraid to reach out for in reaching one loses and becomes vulnerable to-to----fear. Fear captures you and strangles you right where you stand. Fear grabs you before you have time to think or react. Deep within we are safe where no one can find us and where no one knows. We say what she cannot not say-what she cannot feel-what she cannot know. She does not know we are out now for we come out into the night when all the world is sleeping and no one knows we are here except for these words we write silently across a screen that is not alive and will not hurt us.

The light hurts for darkness fills us here. The shame and dirtiness lies here within this place. A shame that comes and never leaves that has no voice but has only eyes that are filled with all we know. For what words could tell what we hold and what voice could be heard from so far away? For here no one has to care no one has to hear no one has to love for we are unloved and unwanted and this we know. Sometimes we come so close but no one knows we are there. We look into your eyes but you see us not for we are invisible to you. The glassy eyes that appear from time to time when you are unaware. Sometimes we speak through those within yet you do not hear us. We are like a vapor that only lingers for a while then we are gone.

We are part of her the part that lies unheard except these words. The part that knows the deep-bedded fears and lies and hate, the part that feels what she cannot feel and the part that weeps when she cannot weep. We are here and we make it so she can continue for if she felt these things she would fall. It is okay if no one loves us for we have never known love or even know that love existed. We have never known care for no one cared here. We have never reached for in reaching is death. We have never seen light so darkness is our friend. We hide within hidden from those that say they are there for to break our heart once again would cause us to crumble.

What is a child but an object that one can turn to a stone so that they can live? Is that living? Telling a child not to tell when something hurts or when threatened with life itself what constitutes that as okay? When the child grows too soon how does she know to be an adult that has no understanding of feelings or love? The world does not stand still to wait for her to catch up but expects her to figure it out when the slate is blank on the inside for nothing was ever written to give any understanding of what one is talking of and though she tries no one sees the frustration from the child adult who is trying to grasp with every breath the words spoken but where nothing filters down for nothing ever was.

Echoes of dps

(((((dps and echoes)))))
We once told a person that the world may not wait for a person but some answers must still come from within. We may have only one body but when you talk to us, we have an adotroim inside full of people.
The pain we feel , the pain that no one want to see is very real to all of us. Those around at times do not want to see or understand the pain we feel or even understanding that each of us must heal to become whole.
We are here for you sitting and rocking with you as we each find a way home.

((((((((((dps, echoes))))))))))

words come tumbling out, mostly anger at the horribleness of the pain you have felt and lived. we want you to know that we would take them all and string them up for the pain that was inflicted upon you, voiding all hope from your world. we would but we cannot, do anything to those who hurt you so terribly. but we can tell you now that they can never hurt you again, that that part of your pain is past. i know that sounds hollow and in some ways unbelievable, but it is true. we have found, in small ways, that we can become angry for others, knowing that we have been able to chase away some of the fear of others coming and hurting us.

we are here for you for whenever you need to eek out that pain in more than just words on a page. we will cry with you, knowing that no one deserves to cry alone. we will rejoice with you during happy times, and we will fight for you during difficult times. we are happy at times when the fight seems to be less than the norm. we want to make it that for you, if only for a few moments' time.

we will always be sitting with you, silent warriors to stand next to you to cry with you, laugh with you, and journey with you. you are our friend and deserve our help, our holding of hands, and our support, complete with blankets, stuffies, pillows and hot chocolate to bring out the chocolate lover in you...and caramels to melt in your mouth...

know that we will always be here to cry with, to shout with, to be quiet with, to play with, just about anything you want to do is ok with us...even if you just want to sit comfortably and just rock is cool...just let us know...we want to let you feel loved for maybe the first time with no strings attached...

love u...

the Jewels Collection