[darkpurplesecrets]

Tonight as I sit here my tears are falling and I am feeling much pain in acceptance of this new memory received today. I cannot explain how much it hurts or the feelings I have. Truth is there are about 4 different ones within and myself that carry this memory. This afternoon we faced this together for the first time. I had some idea of the memory for there are parts that I already remembered but I did not have it all until this afternoon.

Over this past week those that call themselves Echoes of dps had written and I had heard the first part of the letter. It was all I could take at the time and there was not really time to listen to the rest where I would not be alone until today. I know that it is going to be hard as I accept the total memories from those within. The pain that came with the memory I cannot begin to explain. I do know that my selfworth feels lower than the dirt on the ground right now.

I know that I am at the beginning of this accepting and getting the inner most memories and work. I had no idea how painful or how much work this was going to be. I know that I cannot walk around this, over it, under it, but that I have to walk through these memories that the others hold. Echoes is that part of myself that pulled the feelings and emotions deep within so that we could survive. For the longest time I could not cry. Even though I would cry there were no tears for Echoes had pulled them so far inside to keep us alive.

For the first time in my life I am facing these fully. Those within are for the first time working with me together to accept these memories and move through them and to be able to somehow move forward past these. I know this is going to take some time as I cannot take too much all at once. The things they are giving me are more of the details that are there that those within hold and they need to be heard. The memories run so deep within and for so many years now we have blocked them out so that we could survive.

I believe that there is a reason for all of this, God has his hand in it. I had to get to a place that I was more safe than I was and even though it has not been the safest place it has been safer than anywhere else and I have a team of support now that I never had before. I think God has his hand in it as things have been setting themselves up for this work to happen. As hard as it is and as many real tears as we are shedding, I know that if I hold on and keep reaching forward that I will get through this. I now that when I lost my angel rock from my friend, and I thought she was gone, the night that I was in the emergency room with feeling of wanting to end it, that God had other plans.

When I went out to my car and dropped something down between the drivers seat and the middle of the thing in the car, and I reached down to get it and I found the angel that I had looked for many times prior, that things were going to be okay somehow. Tears filled my eyes as I thanked God for allowing me to find it. The answer I got back was that if I would hold on things would be okay. I was told the next year and a half were going to be really hard but that I would not be alone. But I never knew exactly what or how hard it would be. This is the hardest work I have ever done, but a work that I know is necessary in order for us to move forward.

My eyes keep crying as I sit here typing this. The things I am feeling from today are pulling my heart in two, and I know that I have to do this. The really amazing thing is today when I was being read the letter that Echoes wrote, for the first time ever, I felt that I was being held up by those within almost as if they knew I was going to be so weak and hurt by it all. Those that held that memory with me except one came forth and they talked about it to the best they could (except Echoes who has not said a word as of yet). As I accepted what they had to say they seemed to step back. Tonight has been a time of reassurance within that it is okay and that we are believed.

So many times I find myself asking if we are believed and if we are doing okay. I know that we are doing what we need to do even though it is so hard to look at and move through. There were times today and this evening that I felt I would die from the feelings going through me. Also, from the worthless feelings that were pulling me and feeling so real. The fact that the others are gathered around me holding me up and they are trying so hard tells me that we are now working together instead of separately. I know this is going to hurt and it does. Words cannot describe what it is like or what it feels like. I am scared and I think we all are.

Sometimes I feel as though I want out, and the feeling of hurting us comes but I know that it is feelings and somehow and someway those feelings will change if I keep working and listening and hearing what all need within and myself. I cry so much but I know that I have many many tears to cry for tears were never allowed before. I am struggling with many things but the ugliness and worthlessness seem to be riding right now right on the surface and I really am having a hard time feeling anything but like I do not belong. My heart feels as though it has been ripped out once again and shredded completely. I did not know that healing would hurt so bad.

With everything seeming to be piling up on top of me fast, I am shutting down, but not too far so that I can continue working on what I need to work on. Somehow I will get through this and accept it and move forward but I know that it is going to take time. I am only beginning this part of the journey. I know that as I move forward things will get a little easier in the fact that I will be able to accept things and have more of a basis of knowing what to expect or at least have an idea as to what it is I am feeling that right now is all new.

My heart is hurting as I write this and tears are streaming down my face. Within those that are dealing with this with me are afraid and still asking questions. Maybe for the first time the questions are deeper and meaningful as to what and why. Though there are no answers to the why's, we are able to see that we have a right to even ask questions and feel. All I know is this is not easy and there will be many more tears and words to come as we work through these things. As hard as it is, I will push forward. There may be times that I sound like I am not wanting to do this but I will not totally quit. Somehow together we will do this and then they will no longer have that control that they have now. We may fall but somehow we will get back up again.

Thank you for listening to me and sorry this is so long. I wanted to share this here too as I have shared it in another forum Thank you for walking and supporting us so many times. I am trying to reach out the best way I know how through our words, the one thing they never took from us. Right now it hurts more than I can say and I am scared. But to be honest I am more scared of not doing this work for then they have me where they want me instead of me being where I need and want to be.

dps

[Hippie]

darkpurplesecrets, You are beautiful and worthy. You show strength in being able to write out the thoughts the rest of us have. Your elquence, coming so deep from your heart is so very touching. You are a special person who deserves to love yourselves and be loved
It is extremely difficult for me to even come to this forum but I must read the posts here to feel I'm not alone and today you made me feel there is support. I have heard such negative responses in the past that you are the proverbial fresh air. How can I thank you? Know that I am here with you.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Hippie))))

Thank you my friend. That really touched my heart and means so much to me. My system is working so hard and myself. I would never have been able to say this even six months ago. Three years ago if someone would have told me that this was possible I would have looked at them like you are crazy.

This is something that has happened over time and a lot of acceptance on both my part to those within and to those within of me. It has taken being willing to look at the hard stuff and the safety issue of finding those that I can trust, who care, believe, and support me. I think it has also taken others here that have given me hope and strength as I have walked along.

Sometimes things feel as though they will never change but then it seems those light bulb moments and clarity comes and renewed hope comes back. This road is hard and there are many ups and downs, but as long as we are willing to get back up and keep trying we will inch our way to keep going.

Many times we will fall back a few steps, where I always felt that was failure, I have come to realize that it is growth from possibly something I missed or did not quite get and need to revisit. But I know that if I do not quit or stop somehow I will move forward. That is hope that I did not have a few years or even months ago.

Thank you for your kind words and for reading. I am so glad that our words can give you hope and strength to keep going. Know that we are so glad you are here and we are here for you. You can pm anytime you need or want to. Take care of you, breath, and do something kind for you today. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[michelle421]

((((((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))

you are beautiful, brilliant, resilient! thank you!!

your words are so alive and strong and hopeful to me. i know it must hurt so much, and i can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to go through the hardest things you are working through, but you can do it. i know it. i feel that you are so strong, and if you survived horrible things before, you can get through this too. you never deserve to hurt so much.

you are so important. i believe in you. it sounds like you've gained a lot of insight into your own healing process in the last year. i am so impressed! you are so brave, fighting this battle one step at a time.

let your tears fall, and they will nourish your growth. from the dark, cold, dirty soil come the most beautiful flowers. it just takes time and love. ...and sometimes the flowers get trampled over, but keep fighting and they will grow back. you have the strength. keep holding on. you are important. you have gifts that this world needs. you have talents and knowledge to share. thank you for sharing here. thank you for your words. i'm sorry you are hurting. healing does hurt sometimes. but there is hope for the future.

i wish you peace, my friend.

[Jewels]

((((((((((dps))))))))))

While my heart aches for you with the pain you have, at the same time I am so honored at being one of the ones who have shared this latest revelation with you. You are extremely strong, and it sounds like this latest revelation has given you impetus to hear what is being said, to feel what is being given to feel, and to forge ahead to learn even though the way may be hard.

I applaud your hard work, your unswerving ways and your transparency to us. You did not have to tell us all of what you are facing, yet you chose to. To be able to share this with you means more to me than words can convey. It gives me the push to continue with my own recovery, despite how painful and difficult it may be. It gives me strength to know that I, too, have a huge support system that I never saw before. And it gives me grace to go through it all. Regardless of what I go through, I can still help others go through their feelings and memories. We are in this together as friends, compatriots, and survivors.

Thank you for all you have given me. I am so glad that I get to go through this with you, because it means that the load gets lighter, not heavier, because we share the load. What you go through gets dispersed to many people, who choose to hang in there with you when the going gets tough. And, who can, at any time, give you the support you may need to go through yet another memory.

I applaud your tenacity. May God continue to give you people to go through this with you, and hope to know that one day you will be done with the difficult work and will be able to do anything you set your mind to do.

Blessings to you, my friend,

Jewels

[anderson]

((((((DPS))))))
Thank you for sharing here. The peace that comes within when all surport each other is truly hard to exsplane. But know that we are here and listen to you and all within you. May we help you to stand as you have helped us so many times this past year.

Keep working it, dps. You are gaining.