[peaches100]

I'm having a problem with a part of me. Years ago, i had what i thought was a very deep, mother-like relationship with somebody that turned emotionally abusive and controlling, and led to an abandonment. This happened 7 years ago, and it took years to get over the pain of it, and in reality, the pain is still not completely gone. However, after 7 years of no contact, i wrote her a letter about 1 year ago, apologizing for my part in the downfall of our friendship and thanking her for the things she had done to help me. I told her I'd felt bad that we never talked over what went wrong, and as such, i never felt any closure about it.

Once or twice a year, i see this person at large gatherings of acquaintances we both have in common. This past fall, she approached me, me talked a bit, and then she invited me back into her her life, by inviting me to write to her. The adult side of me definitely knows this is not a good idea. In the past, i wrote her alot of letters and even shared my journal with her, and not only did she not keep confidentiality, but when the friendship ended, she refused to give me back my journals, poems, etc., that i had stored at her house. She also tried to force me into leaving my marriage when i was having marital problems, because she felt it was the source of my depression, and she used our friendship to blackmail me, telling me if i didn't leave, she would no longer be my friend. Anyway, for these and other reasons, i decided not to resume any kind of social contact.

However, there's a side of me that feels like a small child that still misses her very much and wants to have her in my life. This longing is based on the nurturing/caring way she treated me for most of the time we were friends (except the last year or so). I've never felt close to my mom, and she was like a mom to me for so long. Every so often, the longing to have her back in my life is very strong.

Twice over the past 6 months, when i've begun missing her badly, i've called her house and listened to her voice recording and then hung up. I don't know why i did this. i can only say that it feels like the child part of me is doing this. Perhaps to that part of me, it seems like any contact is better than no contact. The problem with this is that i know it's very childish, and both of the times i've done it, she has called the number back (she must have caller ID). So she would have gotten my voice recording. So knows it's me that has done this twice now. She didn't confront me by leaving a message or anything, but i know that she knows that i called and hung up.

I feel so stupid, and definitely don't want to give her the idea that i want to start up a friendship with her again. I'm so upset with myself for even dialing her number in a weak moment. On some level, i can't seem to accept that it's over and she can't be in my life now. And it has to do with the part of me that saw her as a mother figure.

I'm not sure what to do. If she should call me and confront me about the hang up, i'll tell her i dialed by mistake (because it was a mistake for me to do this). But i guess my real worry is about my continued longing for her to be in my life and inability to let go.

Can anybody help?

[purple_fins]

I can sure relate to not having a loving nurturing mother.
So sorry you had similar too.

Sounds like it's a void in your existance that begs to be filled

Was wondering.... have you ever talked to your T. about ways in which this void can be filled? if not a mother figure -- then what?

I would be interested to hear what direction she(your T.) would point you towards.... I myself have found it too dangerous, risky to hope/wish/expect someone else to fulfill a void I have within... but.... then I have huge trust issues

regards
fins

[silentwhisper]

I can relate as I have had some similar experience. I do not have any answers tho. I am thinking of you and yours and hoping things work out ok.

[Fuzzybear]

(relating to what fins said)

safe hugs if ok