[michelle421]

i haven't been around here as much lately... my job has been changing, and with all my new responsibilities, and this time of year, it's just been so terribly busy and pretty overwhelming at times. i hope i can be around here more often to make some new friends, and to talk to you all again. i really do appreciate the community.

my partner is DID and has a lot of struggles this time of year. a couple weeks ago there was an extremely difficult anniversary for her. it has been a harder time this year for all of them than it has in the last few years at this time, but it's ok. we're all safe. i'm here for all of them. i know it will be ok. it's just been hard.

tonight especially. i'm not really sure what to do. or what i should have done. it's hard when i don't know who i'm talking to. when my partner gets drunk, she more easily slips into a place in her mind that i cannot reach. i can't really talk to her. i know i dont have the right words either. "she is bad." and "i am bad" are used a lot. i can't tell who is around. it's my partner, but it's not. it's like the words are even just channeled through somewhere. these words - things she learned as a child. her dad told her she was bad. she was stupid. she deserved punishment. she repeats those thoughts over and over. i just have no idea how i can respond. i dont understand. i dont know what to say. it's not true. she's not bad. but still she says "she is bad. she deserves to hurt" i dont know how to take that. i dont know what to do. i dont want her to be hurt. i think she has finally fallen asleep now. i think we are safe. i hope she won't be sick because she didn't take her meds. i dont want to wake her just for that if she's still not in a good place. "i'm sorry" - she's said that a lot tonight. over and over and over and i dont even know what for. i can't say anything without making it worse because she feels like she's making trouble for me. i tell her she's not... but i know i'm a little freaked out so i'm sure my voice isn't convincing. she knows i'm concerned. i'm just out of ideas. i dont help at all because all i say is "no, you're not bad" but i dont want to be negative. i try to tell her how i love her and she is safe. i am here and we are safe together. it's ok and i love her. i dont care. it's ok. we're ok. it's just there is some wall between us and i dont know that she can hear anything. she just gets more sad that she's making trouble for me because she knows i'm concerned. i wish i could have better things to say... it's not trouble. nothing is wrong. i just love her. i want her to be ok and i am here for her no matter what.

pardon my babbling. i think i just dont know what to do. if anyone had any suggestions... what more can i say? what other words can i use? i want to be positive, but it's hard to fight when the battle isn't the same one being fought on each side. we aren't on the same plane of existence or something.

i just dont know what to do when i have to sit here listening to the terrible words coming from her. they are not true, and it makes me sad that somewhere in her these words are held as facts. i dont know what else to offer, but it's hard to keep saying no. i dont want to tell her "no you're not bad" because that just doesn't say enough. it's too negative. how can i help flip the perspective? what can i say to twist it into a different direction, not to blame her but to just redirect? i love her. i love her. i am always here and sending my love. it will be ok. i suppose that should be enough. it's just so hard because she doesn't deserve this.

happy thoughts. and i know it will get better eventually.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Michelle how hard this must be for you for both of you is there any way of avoiding the alcoholic drink? That beverage seems to be the cause of so much sorrow for so many We are glad that Rhiannon doesn't partake of it and nor do the rest of us maybe with the exception of Megan who doesn't care what she does as long as she can forget

Maybe your love is trying to forget but sadness and pain is enhanced by the alcohol? And all of her memories are triggered by the alcohol too? We feel for you and hope that you can find a therapist who is able to help but doing it alone will not I think get her any closer to being healed

Hoping you do well and find the support you all need

Heleni

[Nupoet64]

(((((Michelle)))))