they're not false memories!

my partner is having a hard time. she just spent some time with her mom recently, and they are pretty close - there's just a lot they don't talk about from the past. no one wanted to believe my partner when she started talking about what was happening to her as a child. she was treated like she made the whole thing up and was hurting everyone in the family and being super destructive to herself and the world around her. there was a lot of pain to deal with. loneliness. fear. not knowing if she would ever get help because she was only punished for telling about her experiences or the hurt that kept haunting her through flashbacks and switching and general anxiety and depression. i can't even imagine how she got through and is here with me now, but she still hurts. she no longer has a relationship with her sister because of all that. i'm sure both her parents preferred to say nothing happened. dad would never admit it. mom didn't want to face it. and her sister was just told that it was all lies too. none of that is fair or helpful to my partner. she needed help. and still needs support. it was not a lie!

well despite all the hardships, my partner is still close with her mom. when she was just spending some time with her mom a few days ago, she decided to bring up something about her past that is still hurting her - from being in one of the institutions she had been sent to as a teen. it really messed with her. they kinda destroyed part of her spirit there. and some of what she's struggling with now has to do with that situation. well, when mentioning something about that very carefully to her mom, she got a disturbing response. something about how nowadays they have different ways to deal with false memories.... so her mom still believes that it was all made up? that is SO hurtful and scary. my partner is really struggling. i'm not sure what i can do other than to be here for her and to listen to her. she can tell me, and i will always listen and be here to hold her. but it is so hard to have this weight on her shoulders. it's not fair! just because this is hard for her mom too, it doesn't mean she can just chalk it up to - it didn't happen, it's a lie and my daughter is just hurting for some other reason. that's not true. the truth is hard... but denying the truth is so painful for my partner. she shouldn't be forced to deny the truth just because her mom is scared of actually listening. it makes me so sad. it's not fair at all. the truth is hard, i know. but lying about the past isn't gonna create a proper healing path for the future. i wish there was more i could do to help my partner and her mom. their relationship is complicated.

please send some loving, supportive energy to my partner if you can. she really needs it right now.

sending safe and surportive thought to you and your partner. That is the one thing that keeps those that have been abused lost in pain. Those within me still swing the pendgelum of needing an outsider to accept my truth and those within me lived why do we have to prove it. when we feel this why or that way we have to remember that to heal we must let go as hard as it is that those outside of us can truely not understand us because they have never walked in our shoes or tried to walk beside us as we heal from the pain that binds us.

Will do. There's nothing like these unsupportive, devaluing responses to one's pain and experiences that can make one feel so doubtful of oneself. My mom pushes the "oh, you just make this up to get attention" line. It's the general dismissal she uses against anyone who goes through soemthing that makes her un omfortable.
My sympathy and my regards to your partner. It is hard to not be believed by the ones we love.

For her...

(Webber)Erik

I am very sorry this happened. It is unfair for it to happen and very wrong. I wish I could help you and your partner out, but know that it takes a very specail person like your self to be able to deal with all of this so thank you for that! I hope your partner gets better! Also I hope she will be ok one day! Keep supporting her beacause that is all you can do. I hope it getrs better! Wishing you all well~

~Jenny

Sending you and your partner positive energy and thoughts. Lots of safe hugs and warm fuzzies from the hotel for both of you too.

Cris

Caring thoughts and prayers for you both. It is smart and nice to be able to make a life for yourselves now. Easing away from the perps and those who diminish us is taking safety steps toward living life to its fullest. All the best.

Keep walking into your futures with hope and love (Hunny is working on the love idea).

“Science without religion is lame.
Religion without science is blind.”
Albert Einstein

things aren't really getting better.

since last week, she's been so depressed and extra irritable and angry. i know that this is a really hard time for her. i don't really know what i can do. i'm trying... but it almost seems like anything i say is taken the wrong way. i just want to find the right words. and i will always be here to listen to her, but sometimes i know i don't have the right thing to say back. she's got many cognitive distortions that cause her to interpret situations with extreme reactions and thoughts. i will always listen, but i just wish she could make sure to bring this to her T, so they can work through this. the few times i've tried to suggest she talk to her T about what she had told me, she takes it like i'm telling her to shut up. (she then starts telling herself how stupid she is and to shut up and take the abuse that she was feeling). it's just little things that make her freak out... she flipped out and started yelling and screaming when there was a car parked a little too close to an intersection, so part of the sidewalk was blocked. we walked by just fine, safely. yet she thought that the person did that to try to kill her and she yelled at them about how stupid and terrible they are (and for all i know, it was a family trying to find directions or an accessible sidewalk in downtown). i know my partner is dealing with a lot of past trauma, and it affects how she sees the world. it's just not how i see that situation. i dont know how to deal sometimes. she's getting so angry and upset every time she leaves the house, now she's starting to feel she can't ever leave.

she talked to me about feeling suicidal last week, right after it hit her what her mom had even said. she is so angry, and rightfully so. it's ok to be angry that mom had sent her to an institution that kept trying to break her - so that she'd admit she made it up. well, after so long, it's just so hard to even keep trying. she broke eventually and said it wasn't true (when it WAS true), but then that was a big step back for her healing path. her mom heard what she wanted to hear, and now that's what she still believes. that place was terrible for her. they didn't help, they only increased her feelings of isolation and fear and anger at the world. she didn't deserve that, but she feels she did - because how else could people treat her that way? how could her mom send her there?

it's hard because i know that she has cycles with her feelings and her body, too. every month she has some intense cycles, which bring more psychotic episodes and suicidal feelings. i'm pretty sure that that time of the month is coming up this week or so. on top of all these other issues going on, i'm nervous for what might happen. last week during a particularly intense episode, she yelled at me and said some hurtful things. i've never heard her say to me that she wished i would leave her so she could just go away. she told me i was stupid for loving her because she is evil and is ruining my life. and when i tell her i know she's not evil, i love her no matter what and i will always be there... usually that kinda helps, but this time she yelled back. and i know that's not how she really feels. it was in the moment... and the illness of depression is a beast. it takes over your feelings and thoughts. it's not her that said it to me, it was the illness. i hope. i kind of wonder why she didn't switch when it was so scary and intense last week. i haven't seen any of her other people in a while. i wonder how they are doing. i tell her that i think of them. it's just so interesting to me that the kinds of struggles my partner has now are so different from when she used to switch every time something at all stressful happened. she's dealing with so much. i wish i could help better.

i just want to help her keep healing. but now i really am hurting too, and i'm trying not to show it, because she knows she's difficult and then she'll feel bad for hurting me or making me sad, and she'll blame herself and feel worse. i kinda feel stuck. anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. it's hard to keep this all in. no one in my life could possibly understand this stuff i'm going through, or why i keep changing or dropping plans to stay at my partner's house with her every night. it's so hard right now.

for your partner

It is a miracle that I have survived thus far and I strive to help others see miracles in every day life.

And Huggs to you too, Michelle, becuase when the people we love hurt, we also suffer. It might be that for some reason, her other parts are't ready to deal with this, that it is exactly for this they are letting her handle this, even if this is stressfull. It might be the type of thing that stresses her rather than the stress that sets off the switch, but I'm sure you know that. Maybe she doesn't want them to. maybe she is trying somehow to prove her mom right by not letting them surface to help her. I don't know but i truly hope that she can find some type of solace. This sounds like a horrible time for her. Warm safe and protecting vibes to both of you, and I really hope she feels better soon.

We are so sorry you're having such a struggle with your partner right now. We are sending our healing thoughts and strength to you both!
Two things we think are important to remember: One, although it is really crappy for no one to believe something that your partner remembers and knows is the truth, it is STILL the truth whether anyone else believes it or not. Truth is not dependent upon belief!!! Two, it is okay to feel angry, even murderous, it's what you do with the feelings that may or may not be okay. It's okay to feel depressed, even suicidal, it's the actions you take as a result which may or may not be okay.
We're sure it means more than you know that you stand by and support and believe your partner no matter what. It is the very best thing you can do for her. Take care of you too, you are being very strong. ~Gretta