Not sure how to title this??? Confused :(

I apologize for not being more specific? I am not sure what is happening? Okay in my system I have my core person, I have my people that I know whom I see hear know there ages have some insight and we have some understanding and I am predominantly co-conscious with them. I have a time line of when they were born or how long they have been with me. Okay however then I have learned that there are what is called switchers in my system. They are not people that I can visually see nor hear so well or have a story line on but their there. Umm like I know there are several people from 2-to various ages and m-f and lot's of names but I don't have a bond with these ones like I don't relate to them? Like hmm dunno how to explain it? Like the 18 people that are with me.....You can't ever shake me on them...Who they are what the look like how old they are etc....Names ect... What there responsibility is what they like don't like? And it seems like I only came aware of all this in 2005? It's a long story...

MY question is now for about the last few weeks as I sit there trying to go to sleep and NO I am in no way asleep I have these people trying to take me to different places. Now some are very scared, some look like street people very dirty and poor and some like erm monsters? They all have flashlight and there are many, many? Now my original person of this body that I write from died a long time ago....The trauma was too much...She just could not take it anymore...So the core person being me which this is not my name and I hope so soon to share my name cuz I use a switcher name with you all but I have to be safe (please understand for us all) however that original body person is dead...So they take me the core with them to show me these memories....They aren't meant to hurt me? I am not sure what they are supposed to represent? They have not spoken to me yet? There is some bad present too....We seen it last night. WE do not take sleep medicines...Bad experiences with the body....Any insight or questions we will try to explain. Sorry if this makes no sense...Were totally confused and in the middle of trauma work too...umm thanks if you made it this far?
Kalisha~crew

my advice would be to keep following what ever your treatment providers are telling you to do.

I am confused on something though and would like to ask you about it.

you are the assumed core person of your system but yet you say the core person is dead.

Im confused because here the mental health community belief here is that if you are in control of a physical body then the core person is not actually physically dead. here death means the body ceases to have a heart beat and ceases to breath and ceases to have brain activity.

are you using the term dead like some people here do meaning no one that you know of in your system has contact with the person born to this body so to all of you, you consider that person dead.

or are you using the term dead to mean the actual host of the body (core person/person born to this body is in fact physically dead and you are a spirit/ghost without a body.

or do you consider yourself the core person (not an alter) on one hand and on the other side of things you feel like you are the equivalent of being dead - numb and needing to be invisable.

theres nothing wrong with any of these things, I know a few DID people who use the term dead like the above choices. on one side its easier to consider the body person dead when you dont have any contact with that person and they are not taking their turn out in the world yet. On the other side of things its easy to see how someone perceives the body person as being dead when during your time in control of the body there is no emotions or evidence that the body person is around and you feel numb and inviable at times. And I have met DID people who consider them selves to be part of the spirit world because the real world was so hard on them.

another term in your post that was confusing to me is how you use the word switches. here switching is a word to describe the physical act of the body person and the alters changing who is in control of the body. example when I the body person got triggered by something I would slip backwards and a physical and mental change would happen to where my alter ethel would be in charge of things for a while, if while ethel was in control of this body something triggering happened Ethel would slip back out of the place of being in control and an alter named Jane would take over controlling the body.

But in your post it sounds like you remain in control but for safety reasons you choose to use other names. is this correct?

Im also wondering what name we all should call you when writing to you. is there a name you are comfortable with having us call you?

the situation you are going through right now with everyone inside trying to take you through everything or to some place.. you said you are in the middle of doing trauma work.

Here Trauma work is the process of telling a mental health person what happened to you and learning how to cope with knowing what happened to you so that you no longer have problems associated with what happened to you.

unfortunately along with telling your story and learning new ways to cope with what happened, comes the unraveling of what the alters know too. Trauma work also causes flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive thoughts (thoughts that you cant seem to shut off, they just keep going around and around the same things over and over again)

Here before any trauma work is done, the client has to be stable and have coping tools in place that enables them to self nurture (remain calm, safe from self harm, and able to call on their treatment providers when it gets rough),

when things start getting out of control like you wrote in your post here that is a signal that its time to stop doing trauma work and go back to learning self nurturing skills, and working on easier things until the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and the alters throwing things off eases up or stops and when the client is stable once again if they want to give trauma work another try it can be done.

usually the second time around is easier when it comes to doing trauma work.

my advice contact your treatment provider that is doing the trauma work with you and let them know whats going on. They can help you get things calmed down again.

First thank you so much for replying.

Thank you for responding...I felt humiliated writing this...I was wishing I did not write it cuz I felt stupid and like I made no sense. I appreciate you helping me to reason more. I know allot of time my thought process on this stuff comes out so confusing. Just thank your for all the time and thought into this....
Kalisha

you are so welcome and thank you for taking the time to clarify things for me. it al makes sense now.

feeling humiliated in posting - dont worry it gets easier. when I first came here I had lots of problems and anxiety over posting, but lots of people here were kind and helped me through it. I still have some anxiety and a bit worried that I might not say things in a way that people can understand me, but with the moderators help everything works out ok.

amandalouise,

You have no idea what your words meant to be today....These words really were something we all needed to hear Thank you so much........

Kalisha

don't have any answers for you kalisha, just wanted to say we're listening.

Thank you krazy_phoenix just for saying that....I was seriously so feeling badly for posting...It's really hard to talk about this and admit this issue even from behind a screen, and then to try to write in a way that even makes sense? I just appreciate being acknowledged and you guy's just supporting me by just even listening...That say's so much to me...Thank you

our core doesnt function either so you arent alone

((( kalisha36 )))
You are not alone here many of us feel the same way. in truth those within me do not really know which one is our core person. we know the one that tends to take charge of the body the most but wether or not she is core . Only the man upstairs knows that truth. We have the full mixture form babies to the very old both m/f. but we have been intergrating so much that our choices are to the best for the whole. When dealing with pain and fear we tend to switch alot with info blocks but when we are calm and safe we share almost everything. so please keep posting and coming. I was helped most by pastoral counseling and the teachings of my shamanic grandmother so I do not know to much of the language of modern therapy. but I/we have ears and we do understand pain and healing.

(((( Kalisha36))))

.

[quote=anderson;1614835]((( kalisha36 )))
You are not alone here many of us feel the same way. in truth those within me do not really know which one is our core person. we know the one that tends to take charge of the body the most but wether or not she is core . Only the man upstairs knows that truth. We have the full mixture form babies to the very old both m/f. but we have been intergrating so much that our choices are to the best for the whole. When dealing with pain and fear we tend to switch alot with info blocks but when we are calm and safe we share almost everything. so please keep posting and coming. I was helped most by pastoral counseling and the teachings of my shamanic grandmother so I do not know to much of the language of modern therapy. but I/we have ears and we do understand pain and healing.

((((((((((anderson)))))))))))

Oh my goodness, I am so glad that I did not have the moderators remove this...I was going back and forth inside when the others would not let me remove it...So glad cuz I feel so alone...I have NO ONE but my T to talk to about this which requires trust and well hmm the one's inside are still quite reserved on that...Cuz they still see her as a threat and any mention of integration is a no no....Thank you for not making me feel bad for not understanding my system like others do? It's still all so confusing to me? I have time lines, I have some things I understand very well but then I keep learning and things keep coming and changing too? So like it's growing and dunno? Your words are so encouraging and just thank you for writing...For me and others out there like me this is super important to us
Kalisha

(((((((kalisha))))))))
We are still learning about our system too. I think its a process that may continue on for some (very extended!) time yet. Although we do not take on other people's way of understanding their systems, we do find it helpful to hear and use other people's analogies or wording to help us express into words our system's being. We are 19 insiders with two 'groups' (we don't have a better way to describe this yet). We have a core, who doesn't acknowledge herself as this but the rest of us believe it to be so (also known internally as the 2IC) and our current host (who has already replied to this thread and is the current Manager). Our groups are The Shadows and The Chorus. Your description of those within that you don't connect with that have flashlights sounds similar to ours in The Shadows. We can't see them properly yet (just shadowy figures), they have no names, and we have absolutely no feeling of connectedness with them, but we know they are there. We're not afraid even tho there is darkness but I think thats because we don't have any feeling toward them at all, fear or otherwise. We have just begun serious therapy and host's first chosen job was to give those in The Shadows chairs to sit on so they weren't standing and tired in the darkness. Just this simple thing had an amazingly positive impact internally but I cant articulate how exactly. Anyhoo, just wanted you to know that you are with friends - and don't feel silly for posting. Its such a great way to learn, and your post also helped me not feel so 'weird'!! Its hard not to compare my 'version of DID' with others, nature I guess, so its nice to know that others have similar experiences.
tc,
kp

I have a feeling that no death is really possible at all - it may feel as though it happened - but "they" are all alive.

I once used to feel that my inner child is dead...but with time i felt it was coming back to life. And it slowly did.

You say "i am not sure how long these people are with me..."
I just wanted to share with you they way i see it :

What happens is that a part of us - a part of THE WHOLE, CONSCIOUS us is falling into subconscious. This is how an alternative personality is created. So - they are with us not because they came to us from somewhere, but because we lost more and more awareness in a very extreme way.

I can relate to the "switchers" - i seem to have them too - the parts that connect with other parts. its all because

Thanks for sharing all of this. it helps to see that other people have these things too.

We don't know who our core is....

All those of us in our system know is that we are here to protect the girl. We have a five yr old Turnip who does not come out. She does not seem to be aware of any of the trauma. She does not have a real role here unless her role is pure innocence. We don't communicate with her....we just protect her. She is not to know of the things we have seen or been a part of.

There is only one of us who really identifies with this body we share and she hates it. This is Sharla; she feels all the physical body pain...our T calls it somatization...supposed to mean our hurt feelings and tears get stuck so they find other ways out which make our body hurt. The rest of us feel stuck. Spirit says she is dead. She says that they killed her. She says she wants to be free but to free her means the body must die. We struggle with this a lot and we think it scares T. Spirit says she is a hostage to this Earth and needs to be let go. She no longer wishes to reside here. She wants us to go with her. This is very hard for us all.

Don't know if this is kind of what you feel inside, but when you said that the core is dead it made us think of Spirit.

We think you are brave for sharing. We've been told everyone's system family is a little bit different so try not to be to hard on yourselfs for being different from others. Willow (our investigator) says that a System is like a fingerprint....never one exactly alike.

Elysium thank you so much for what you just shared...That made so much sense... also ladymacabethadmunsen I also believe you too are right...I don't believe the person that this body was born in is dead probably wrong word. Elysium I can't tell you how what you wrote just hit a very strong cord with me? I am not sure how it relates inside as of yet but it makes so much sense. Almost like a light bulb moment you know? Wow that was really intense? I don't know if that is how it is for us, but I will take notes and journal all of these pieces and try to puzzle this out..Sometimes just writing allows things to work themselves out. I live in such denial just trying to behave and keep everything running smoothly...I have been keeping everyone at bay for so long that I thought I was the main one for a long time. To finally realize that I am a part do you guy's call it the host? I am sorry I do not know? To say otherwise I would be lying? And I don't want to get caught up and read books that might just further and imagination of someone else way of life. I just want my own systems identity to be able to be explained? I am not a great drawer? I can see them watch them come up and look thru my eyes right out my eyes into the mirrors it's not creepy anymore, however the person inside that I know as the baby in the pictures that was born out of the birth mother is not me...I understand that now. Does that make sense? I understand the word DEAD was wrong she just kinda gave up? So were I always stood behind her to help her thru now I just came forward to take over. Now here I stand and I am confused? You guy's can't even began to understand how meaningful each one of your responses has been to me here. I feel very vulnerable as I am sure you all must feel to at times. It's scary and so many people never know this secret you carry except my husband kids and drs. ...I appreciate all of you sharing...
Kalisha

Kalisha...

I'm happy for your lightbulb moment. I know they often lead to more questions, but they also lead to more understanding. Try and remember that our systems learn at their own pace. I have some parts that like to take on things like a bull in a china shop and T has to remind us to slow down for the others who don't process as fast.

Too much too soon can be scary and not good so it's okay to let things come as they come. I fully understand the internal need to know though....it's a fight for me too.

Just know I'm glad you're here and I'm always here and ready to listen.

We all have survived so much (even though we have parts who feel they haven't survived)....our new challenge is learning how to recover from what we had to survive. I know I wouldn't be able to do it without my PC family and friends.

Welcome to PC!!