[CesarioRose]

So, i'm sure this'll sound more like i'm fishing, but i'm kind curious. So i'll tell a small/short story. My family was joking with me today about how when i was young i'd identify my self as either Otis or Milo It's a movie from my childhood; Milo and Otis, and people would talk to me assuming i was either name. I would sign in at the pool we'd go to as either. Considering i was at a fair age, 5 or 6 or so, kinda right around the time we know I started to dissociate frequently. But I am not sure on the age, wherein lies the question...

For those of you who experience constant dissociation throughout your lives, how do you cope with not being able to discern a timeline or even remember stuff similar to this "on demand." Like your at a party and everyone is talking about their childhood, and you're kinda like in your head "i wish i could remember stuff... lucky people." or some such. I feel kinda crap sometimes especially when asked directly, or they kinda glare at you for not participating.

This morphs, i know, directly in working with parts and members of the system , and formulating memories as they come up, and documenting them. But...

How do you cope with this?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by CesarioRose

So, i'm sure this'll sound more like i'm fishing, but i'm kind curious. So i'll tell a small/short story. My family was joking with me today about how when i was young i'd identify my self as either Otis or Milo It's a movie from my childhood; Milo and Otis, and people would talk to me assuming i was either name. I would sign in at the pool we'd go to as either. Considering i was at a fair age, 5 or 6 or so, kinda right around the time we know I started to dissociate frequently. But I am not sure on the age, wherein lies the question...

For those of you who experience constant dissociation throughout your lives, how do you cope with not being able to discern a timeline or even remember stuff similar to this "on demand." Like your at a party and everyone is talking about their childhood, and you're kinda like in your head "i wish i could remember stuff... lucky people." or some such. I feel kinda crap sometimes especially when asked directly, or they kinda glare at you for not participating.

This morphs, i know, directly in working with parts and members of the system , and formulating memories as they come up, and documenting them. But...

How do you cope with this?

most adults around here dont talk about their childhood at parties, they talk about their present life and things they have in common ie work, music, movies, books, the food and drinks at the parties, most adult parties are not the approprate places to go into when I was a child this and that happened. its usually after parties and after you have established some sort of friendship that adults talk about their childhood memories. by then you pretty much know how much of your childhood you can share, including whether or not you have memory problems associated with your childhood.

example when i go to a party people ask me what kind of work I do, whether I enjoy living in the town Im in, Whether I have read this book or that one, whether I saw this movie or that one and what I think about those books and movies, what its like being in college, what classes I take, whether I take them for credit or for my own interest. then if we hit it off at the party we make plans to meet in a coffee shop or restraint. then we go from there from being acquaintences to friends. its during the friendship that we go deeper into each others lives and childhood.

then I tell them what I feel comfortable telling them. if we end up on a topic that Im uncomfortable with because of holes in my memories or because of the topic I tell them honestly that my childhood wasnt a normal childhood and at this time Im not comfortable discussing it with them. then we go on talking about things we both have in common and are comfortable discussing.

the adults around here in general dont usually make this big fan fare about talking about holes in their memories or traumatic things. adults usually talk about common ground things and not worry about things we cant remember. there is much more to the world and each other than just our trauma's and holes in our memories.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I agree with the comment above, when I am asked about my childhood by people I am not familiar with, it doesn't happen often at all but when it does, I typically try and sum it up quickly and change topic. I don't like to lie so most of the time they will get a fraction of the truth but never the full truth.

When you have blackouts and you lose time it does get frustrating and worrysome. I'm sorry you are going through this and I know how confusing it was. When you try and put all the pieces together to find out if and why you don't remember things. And to put a timeline on your life is nearly impossible. Pictures can help you sort through the forgotten memories and notes, talking about your childhood with other family members. This for most of us however is extremely difficult.

I hope you find your answers...

[CesarioRose]

That was just a general example of stuff that's happened before with friends. Certainly not people I do not know, or random parties with people. Although that's happened too, and I either just keep mum, or when asked directly just say I don't remember much from back that far or something.

My question was kind of more indirectly pointed to remember core or big events in life. Sometimes they flood in, sometimes they don't and at awkward moments or just simply wrong times to be remembering something. Fortunately not too many traumatic memories come up at the wrong times. It's really awkward to be obviously be thinking something unpleasant while with mates at a pub. I grimace and look obviously troubled... so. :X

You see, I am not a liar, and i hate to lie to people. Yes it's my business and stuff, but I am a honorable honest man, who tries to be as genuine as possible towards people, and generally tries not to be an arsehole. So when poeple ask me stuff, I kick my self when I have to lie to protect the part who's having the memory or a hard time with a nasty thought. Then try to comfort him later.

But thanks, flying monkeys. Loosing time just becomes unsettling after you realize you have no idea what you just did for the past two hours or whatever, and you kind have to assume stuff.

And I wish I lived in New York where people are civil. :X

[Korin]

I agree with the others. It's not something I'm comfortable discussing - not even the stuff I can remember. I just don’t go there.

CesarioRose,

I think I hear what you're getting at. I find that when my ex-husband would talk fondly of his childhood memories that he could recall as early as Christmas of 3 years old! I was jealous and wondered why can't I remember that. I describe my memories like pictures that are filed away. Almost all of my memories/pictures from before the age of ten have this black stuff covering them so when I look at them I can't see what it is. Sometimes the little warehouse girl will wipe off the black so I can see but not usually. It's interesting for me to note when she wants to see the pics there is no black. Anyway, there are things I can do that trigger the memories to come back and the black to be gone so I can see what happened. One thing I did to trigger the memories was to visit an old house I lived in way up in the country. A lot of abuse happened there and all I can remember is that my window didn't have curtains. After I visited there I got a flood of memories back. I've since allowed the little girl to put black back over them as I wasn't ready to deal.

I do get jealous and angry when other people recall their childhood memories so easily but then I also think that there are things that happened that are so severe and sadistic, I don't even want to know about it.

Warning: about to giveaway the ending of the movie Shutter Island!

It's like at the end of the movie Shutter Island, the main character (the psych patient who killed his wife) says something that makes you realize if you're paying attention. If the radical treatment they tried didn't allow him to remember what he did and start functioning as who he was instead of splitting off into this other personality they were going to do a lobotomy because as his alter he was violent and out of control. So in the end he says something that made me realize that the treatment had been successful but he would rather live without that memory. Therefore, he pretended like the treatment hadn't worked and allowed the lobotomy to take place. Very intriguing and I totally relate!

Love and hugs,
Tara

[CesarioRose]

Thanks Tara. You wree the closest without going over. :P

It's like exactly that. I am with a bunch of friends, and we're playing board game sor something. One of them remarks stuff about their childhood as far back as, say, 3 yrs old. Then the socially acceptable part of me wants to jump right in, and... can't, because it can't remember anything. :X

It's more about social awkwardness then anything i guess.