[purple_fins]

had a bit of a jolt yesterday...
while working, a worker said--"I'm going to lock you in....bwap, bwap, bwap" ... I just heard the "lock you in" part as my body tensed, my heart raced--
I rode WITH it this time, I actually FELT things, tense body, nervous.
(the worker was actually going back to the lunch room to grab her lunch, I observed, and she was leaving the front receptionist area) I told myself to notice my tension, my nervousness-- I was trying hard to be "mindful" and NOT dissociate. I'm not sure but I think it helped. what I mean by "not sure" is that, I'll know in a couple weeks if I dissociated and made bad mistakes because of it. (I just realized something! why I can't tolerate making mistakes-- I fear I've dissociated again)
I hope I didn't-- I want to stay at this job, it's the longest I've ever been at a job(usually last 2 months to an occasional year or two-- been at this one for almost 5 years!)-- have to say I'm quite pleased with self.(*reaching to pat self on the back)

So i "rode with" the mental and physical feelings... being held against will (from several childhood traumas)is a HUGE upset for me, and though it wasn't really like that-- just the phrase-- "lock you in" can throw me into "Neverland". and before, I'd never trust the person that said that EVER again..... I'm pressing self to believe this worker had no ill intent.... whew.. it's hard to convince the inner self though.

then just today I happened upon this blog on the net:

I used to approach decreasing dissociation by actively trying not to dissociate. To quote The Sound of Music, that’s like trying to keep a wave upon the sand for those of us with Dissociative Identity Disorder. In fact, I now believe that trying not to do something - whether it be dissociating, binging on food or alcohol, getting angry, self-injuring, etc. - is rarely effective. Resistance, as they say, is futile. At first this realization left me feeling defeated and at the mercy of my disorder. Then I discovered that, merely by focusing on increasing awareness, I could decrease my dissociation without fighting it. While increasing awareness does require some effort, dissociation decreases naturally as a result of mindfulness.

I was amazed-- could I ever relate! I didn't know that mindfulness can help decrease dissociation, and that maybe I don't have to fight it or feel I have to "bury" it-- I can just ride with it- best I can. helps me to feel less "bad" about self-- I don't have to "numb", "check out of" the upset.

just wanted to share, in case it might be of help to someone else

best to you and you and you
fins

[Hunny]

Thanks for sharing Purple_fins. It is always good when one finds a way....>>>>>

Take care

[Korin]

I can relate a lot to your post. It is possible to put them off coming out at certain times with positive thoughts and maybe distractions. It took some time but I have a lot of control now and this is a part of it.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think it's great that you are able to post about this - I think you have a lot of courage!

[purple_fins]

It is always good when one finds a way....>>>>>

It sure is Hunny. seems for the longest time I didn't have ANY awareness what was happening with me.... I'd just feel....frightenly adrift... disoriented.
I've hated this about myself, for such a long time

It is possible to put them off coming out at certain times with positive thoughts and maybe distractions. It took some time but I have a lot of control now and this is a part of it.

Really Korin? there can come a time when that "jolt" doesn't happen at all?(or the feeling of being sucked into a deep black hole) that would be so nice, if that is true. this is the first time I had awareness like this-- the body and how it felt, the room I was in... and yet...I'm not sure, I hope I didn't make any dumb mistakes that I - in cognizant mode-- would never make

it's so frustrating, there are times I can be creative-- I sew, and do other crafty things that can turn out so cool..... and then....
*blip*
it's gone....
I knew I could sew yesterday or create something really original-- but then.... I haven't a clue how to do such things....
Does this happen with everyone?... if it does, how do other people deal with this?

goings on like this is partly what I think keeps me isolated and friendless.... I hate this about myself....

when growing up, elders all around me were unstable, had to count on self for protection and care-- makes me upset to think I AM NOT what I hoped/want to be-- stable, reliable.

I think it's great that you are able to post about this - I think you have a lot of courage!

Thank you Butterflies Are Free. i think scared -is more the word though

thank you all,
fins

[Korin]

I believe it’s possible. But we are all at different stages and what works for one might not work for another. I’ve been dealing with this a long, long time and I’m only now getting a handle on it.

Be good and kind to yourself. It helps a whole lot.

[Gr3tta]

Hi to fins! Thanks for sharing. Be proud for doing so well at work! Know how hard it is. GOod for you!