[amandalouise]

I know some of you look to me for answers and support in this (Dissociative Disorders) forum.

I wanted to let you all know today was my last work day for a month, I am now officially on vacation.

My partner and I will be going out of town. I will be taking my laptop, but may not be in places where I can get here to psych central with consistency.

Know that you are all in my heart and thoughts and I will try to get in here at least once a day.

But if thats not possible know I am ok and will get back to you towards the end of August possibly the first week in September.

[Hunny]

Amandalouise,

Have a lovely vacation/break.

Do you need us? Lol I am thinking you think of us as your work. Try not to worry about people here as you deserve to have some work/life balance. But if you need some support of fellow dissociates (as opposed to associates) do check in.

[krazy_phoenix]

Have a wonderful relaxing reviving pleasurable uplifting holiday...
You are a valuable member here, and you will of course be missed. But I'm with Hunny...don't come back here on your holidays for us. Come back for you!..if you need to. Give yourself a true break and enjoy some temporary distance. You'll come back refreshed and with a new perspective. We will all be here when you get back, but if you need to visit while away, we are always here and waiting .
Travel safely,
“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”


kp

[Omers]

Go play! Have fun!
Hmmm.... wait... a whole month for vacation????


OK, I'll stay here and be jealous... you have fun

I hope that you have a wonderful vacation. Thanks for the support you give us.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[amandalouise]

Thank you all for your heartfelt replies –

Yes omers a months vacation. Where I work, we have to take so many days vacation time for our own sanity. Being a therapist there’s only so much you can do before the job takes its toll. so we are required to have our own mental health providers and take so many days per year vacation time. I usually save a majority of my vacation days for the summers so that my partner and I can take our time with traveling, visiting family and spending time together. I have 25 days saved up and a few extra sick days that I have decided to use while the weather is fantastically sunny and warm, too hot for lounging around at home in the city, but just right for traveling.

Krazy phoenix and Hunny – thank you for your concern. When I first joined here 2 yrs ago I was coming for myself but I soon learned there were very few if any that were going through what I was – integration of alters, or as some prefer it being called merging and becoming one whole person again. When I didn’t find what I needed I was going to leave and look elsewhere, but when I was ready to leave some asked me to stay. I looked around and saw I wouldn’t get my own needs met here but helping others can turn into helping oneself. So I stayed to offer what I can to others. I am here primarily to help where I can. Though occasionally I do come across someone who happens to be going through something I am at that moment, I know my post integration needs wont be filled here. That’s ok though because I have other options available to me for my own mental health needs. My time here is to lend an ear and give that of my own healing path to others so that they may heal too. Thank you so much for thinking about my needs. It’s a rare thing when a therapist hears someone saying don’t worry about me take care of you. Thank you so much for thinking of me.

Tara thanks, yes my vacation is starting out very nice. We left home shortly after I posted this thread and we are now out of New York City, and making our way upstate to visit relatives and then heading west to Niagara Falls.

[Hunny]

Hope your still having a great holiday.

I observe that each person that presents here is unique. It is great that there are so many helps available. My therapists are intuitive and meet the needs that I/we present and for that I am grateful.

But it makes me sad when I read of those struggling who are searching for a knowledgeable and kind therapist who knows how to help with Dissociation. So I can understand why you were asked to stay and comment. It is generous of you.

It seems integration can be a very personal inward experience and therefore it may be difficult to find others going through exactly the same thing at the same time with the same type of alters so I can see where the help you were looking for may not have been available at the time you needed it. It is great you had options.

Well, here is hoping each one receives the options they are in need of.

All the best! Sunny days to you and yours.

[Korin]

Have a wonderful time. You deserve it.

Thank you for all your wonderful input.

[amandalouise]

thank you Korin and Hunny. We are having a wonderful time. Right at this moment I am sitting in this beautiful room at the Sagamore in Lake George. There is a wonderful was museum here in Lake Goerge called the House of Frankenstein. Fantastic exhibits, but should anyone decide to visit beware of the sinking floor. LOL this place is a world of scarey things over the course of ages - frankenstein, Jack the ripper, lizzie borden and other natorious scarey folks done in wax, horror movie type stuff..

You are walking down this hall looking at exhibits, its dark in the hall, as you reach the exhibits the display lights come on. In this one spot you take a step and the floor sinks because you're suddenly stepping on foam rubber instead of solid wood. definitely gives a moment of freight if not prepared for it.

At first glance the above description is just that. A description of a place I went to see.. But hunny after reading your post today and thinking about my trip through the wax museum yesterday I think I have found a way to explain to you what I meant..

Yes the act of integration is perceived differently by everyone... Some call it merging,... some call it emeshing..For some its perceived as an end to something to others its a beginning..

but everyone has to got through what here in location is called "post integration".

Imagine being outside on a warm sunny day and where you live its always sunny and warm, day in and day out your whole life its bright, its warm, its comfortable, its the only thing you know.. then one day you open this door and you are in a dark hall with all these horror exhibits.. nothing is the way you are used to your whole life..

all there is, is total silence (no voices, no bells, static, white noise, no fog, no numbness, no feeling unreal either your self or your environment...) "Your" memories of all these horrors through the years that for your whole life you perceived them to have happened to Joe, peter, elizabeth and Jane alters..

Now joe, peter, elizabeth and jane are you and you are them, there is no defining mental line, wall divider separating you from who and what they were and who and what you were..

Everyone one who has integrated goes through these same things from the moment that they are integrated..

then you look in the mirror. you dont see your reflection as you used to..this is Joes eyes, this is peters nose, this is elizabetheth's smile...

you see you for the first time in your whole life..

Everything you do, say, wear, eat is now you not you and these alters who like the museum exhibits were behind glass walls, roped off areas,...

Just like there is more to being DID than just the name of the disorder and what you can find on the internet, theres more to being integrated than just the merging, becoming one whole person.

theres this whole area of things that goes on, for which only those who have been through it understands..

you can read about it all in books, on the internet and see how the movies portray it but the reality is so, so much more complicated on so many different planes of life that even transcends the mental aspects and the physical...

those were the things I was going through two years ago when I first came here. When I first came here there was absolutely no one going through even a smidgen of this... in fact everyone was getting upset because I was attempting to talk about these things here..

up until possibly the past 6 months the only postings about integration was me wording it as "becoming one whole person", an occasional posting by some who experience temporary silences of their alters and how scarey that is for them, and some who began integrating and then found out they werent integrated because others they didnt know where there showed their selves..

like being DID is a whole world of things so is integration.. even now I am only touching the iceberg of it because its so hard to describe, to those who havent been through it..

I have to go we are off to Ticonderoga today and I still have some packing up to do before we check out soon and get back on the road.. Hopefully hunny this has made it a bit more clear what I meant about not being able to get my needs met here, so instead Im here to help others in return it may help me..

"see you all in a day or so.."

[Omers]

Sagamore!!!!! I am SO envious!!!!
That is the area where I grew up... If you weren't on vacation I might demand to be a pocket rider !!!!!!!!!
Although I prefer Lake George (and Bolton Landing) in the snow and ice. Oscars Smoke house a bit north in Warrensburg is to die for if you have a car!!!

Please know that I am as green as Kermit the frog with envy but I do truly hope you enjoy your time.

[Hunny]

Whew! thanks for this last post AmanadaLouise The Lounge in the Sagamore would be my preference but the wax museum (lol, perhaps you should have made a warning) has been a great metaphor regarding your explanation for coming out of the darkness and into the light of integration. A goal to work toward, when phrased so beautifully as you have.

It was kind of bothering me when you typed in your previous post to the last post and I was unsure when I read it how you meant it but you clarified it in the last post. In the previous post you said:

integration of alters, or as some prefer it being called merging and becoming one whole person again.

I cringed because there never was a whole person for me/us so regaining it would be impossible.

Then in the last post you wrote so eloquently:

you see you for the first time in your whole life..

What an encouragement to read your words here. Yes, I know what you are saying as I have had glimpses of this oneness from time to time. Thank you for sharing such a profound moment in your experience. You have encouraged many, no doubt.

Actually, I have never heard of the phrase 'post integration' but doesn't it read like a lovely place, state whether an ending or a beginning.

In regards to not getting your needs met here, it has been frustrating for me/us at times too by not receiving what I/we have needed here. I tend to think of it less and less as a place of support because of that. But I must say your post has given me 'new insights'. I will discuss this post integration experience and see if it can be kind of a goal.

I think many are in the process of integration on here but it is unlikely they can post each 'joining' together so you may not have been as alone in your journey as you thought. Regardless, now you are and it is kind of like what my therapist wrote to me today about my 'summer journal' that I just sent to them. He wrote it's like a: "joy journal" and I smiled inwardly. Yes, it is even if there are some troubling things afoot.

Your experience as an integrated soul, AmandaLouise is as real and beautiful as your vacation and I thank you for being 'free' enough to share your personal experiences. Sunshine, lakes, relaxing is a wonderful thing and integration can be as joyous as you have shared. Here's to more 'light' hearted days ahead.

Bless you and yours.

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you amandalouise...

and, thank you Hunny

kp