[Omers]

----------------serious whining ahead----------------

I think I have gotten things settled down with my son... Keeping fingers crossed. However... I am a mess.

A few weeks ago after over a year of trying one of my "littles" came out with massage T. Massage T sat next to her, hugged her and asked if there was anything else she needed. There wasn't so, after a few minutes of tears, the little went back in and we went home. I then had a challenging week of yucky thoughts but they were manageable with CBT.
The following week I didn't let the little out (she did want to come back out and cry some more) because I needed a break. The little was OK with that so I got the session to myself (mostly). Later that week I went to ride my pony and she was sore on the front and lame on the back (they screwed up royally when they trimmed her feet). So no riding.
Sat I had a Migraine but was OK Sun, just tired. Monday I started stressing about T and massage T. Called T Mon night and told her I was scared and didn't want to come. By Tuesday I had a horrid headache and an upset stomach... The therapy session is on a whole other thread... but the little one was brave enough to come out even though T said she didn't work with parts because it was too messy. Thursday my pony is even more lame and my riding instructor no showed/no called.
My one and only local friend is moving soon and being a total a*. OK, I get he has a lot going on and can't be supportive... But would we still talk about other mutual interests (relationships thread)... Then to blame it on me that all he can talk about is work?!

Went out and got the little one (Elestial) some coloring books today and her own colored pencils. Went way over budget... have in many ways with all the stress... so now money is going to be an issue too... Anyway... Elestial just stares at the coloring pages too upset to act. Usually we take baths for self care but that isn't an option right now. I am comfort eating but it isn't making me feel any better. I got Elestial a game that she likes but can only do for a little while. I am on my meds and Pdoc said I can up them but that it is doubtful they will help. Poor Elestial can't ride, can't take a bath, is too upset to color. I have my essential oils and music but it just doesn't feel enough. No one local I can get together with. My long distance friends don't get it... So no one to talk to... Well, except for a Deaf cat.

I love my son dearly but him and Elestial are hard to manage and it is a long weekend. Poor Elestial gets little if any time where I can focus on her or she can come out.

I see massage T Tuesday but not sure if I can afford to see her every week this month. She really wants me to come in twice a week now that the little one is out and I am struggling. That's going to be a hard conversation. I see T the 13th but then not again for a month. I am supposed to see Pdoc this month but am going to need to push it to next month.

Don't know how to get through the weekend, yet alone get anything done and I am SO far behind.

[jwabf]

This may seem random but I am so amazed that you can even have a massage. You sound like you have incredible coping skills and have done some great work. So ... much kudos on that score. I understand the overwhelm and the struggle to get our therapy needs met and balance a budget. Would Elestial like to use finger painting and get all messy, maybe? On big pieces of paper. Might that feel good? Just a thought.

[Omers]

Thanks jwabf
My massage T is really good. She also works with clients with their clothes on unless they request something different. he also has a ton of training as a T but never got a license because she couldn't agree with a lot of the politics and junk. But she will do all the safe touching and holding kind of stuff that a lot of T's will not.

I think Elestial is severely autistic (I'm aspi) so I am not sure if she would be OK with finger paints or not. I have some though so I will make sure they are out for her with the big paper. May try playing in shaving cream too. It is SO hard for me when I can't figure out what the parts need or how to get it for them. I think I may be pulling out all the art supplies tomorrow... which means just about any art medium you could imagine other than oil paint!

Hello, Omers. You are in my thoughts.