[Monty_girl]

One of the abusers still lives in my head. he controls me still. he takes the words from my mouth. he makes me punish myself for feeling and speaking bad about him. i can't say how i feel inside because he won't let me. he traps me in a prison. T asked me to say how i feel. he said say it out loud. I couldn't. he asked me to say I feel. I couldn't. I couldn't even say I. he controls me. he lives in my head. watching and punishing me.

rachel

my memory pieces tell me to shut up too when I am in therapy. The way I handle this is by putting all my attention on my therapist - what she is saying, what she's wearing, what the room looks like, what the chair or couch I am sitting on feels like and remind myself that it's just a memory and I continue talking, after a few minutes of grounding myself and staying aware that I am experiencing a memory and its not really happening (my abuser is dead and not in the room with us) it goes away. At first I couldnt do this but each time it happened my therapist and I kept trying to go just one step or question further each time until now I can do this.

addition to post-
I just went to my blog because I remembered writing about this very thing yesterday. So you can find more information there on my experience with this.

Also to those having trouble with losing blog entries as they type them or when they click on blog this -

if I type in only a few sentences and then click blog this then go back to typing the whole blog entry by using the editing feature I don't lose my entries. This has saved me alot of retyping.

[kimmydawn]

Rachel,

I so understand that. I feel the fear (real fear) lives inside those thoughts we receive.

I wish I could silence that yuck for all of us. I know how you feel.

KD

[January]

(((((((((( Rachel ))))))))))

I wish you didn't hurt. This may seem a stupid question, but can you write down what you need to say? It might work... I don't know how to help you, but if you need me, send a pm and I'll be sure to answer you.

Hugs,

Jan

[Monty_girl]

i need relief. backed into the corner and climbing up the wall. just need this out of me. need relief. feel so sick inside. need relief and to release a little pain. pain is relief.

rachel

[Monty_girl]

christmas hammed.
i have breath now, and an ease in the pain
is all i can ask for now. room to breath. is like 7, who sticks her face in the cracks of a door for the air. i can breath now.
rachel

[Monty_girl]

sick, feel it coming up. it just never last

rachel

[Monty_girl]

Back home now. 2 days of fun sitting around watching Tv and not much else. is better then a hospital though. At least I can leave there when I wanted to go. But home now.
rachel