[shezbut]

Now I know why my pDoc was hesitant to share his diagnosis of me. He says that Dx is mostly for insurance purposes, but I've been curious exactly what my problem is ~ because I've been in therapy since I was in elementary school & now I'm 41 years-old. WTH is my problem??

My pDoc decided to share the Dx: depression, BPD (nos), PTSD, and DD (nos). What truly complicates my mental health diagnoses is my epilepsy. I have, however, gone through extensive testing and observation (while hooked up to wires galore!). So, I suppose that sometimes I do depersonalize due to stress, and other times I have complex partial seizures. UGH!!

I don't know where to go to talk. WTH can understand my perspective? Shist, I don't understand myself. I feel like crying ~ but can't bring myself to do it and let some emotions go. Instead, as soon as I feel sorrow, my feelings turn off. I only allow myself to feel anger and sometimes happiness. For the most part, though, I am dull and crusty.

So many people are talking about these deep emotions & I just feel an emptiness inside 98% of the time. A very strange and uncomfortable lack of emotions. Any ideas on where I DO belong?

I keep coming to PC, to share my perspective with others. And I want so badly to get some support from others, but I lack the ambition to stand up and ask for it. Until now, of course. Thank you for reading this long post.

[Rose76]

I can relate to feeling reluctant to ask for support. Coming here is a place to start. I think we do need, also, to find face-to-face support IRL. I don't think therapy totally meets that need. Ultimately, I think what we all need is love and friendship in our lives. Could it be that our psych diagnoses get right in the way of that? My belief is: "Yes."

I have always taken the tack that it is not good to go around sharing too much with others about my inner struggles. Well, actually, I have done so - like, with a neighbor - and I kind of regret it. We have to choose carefully with whom to share things.

It's hard for me to think that you don't have deep emotions. That sorrow that you sense is probably one of them. Certainly anger is apt to have deep roots. I've enjoyed knowing you and I really did not know that anger was an issue for you. (I mean . . . I did not know it was a dominant feeling with you.) It seems to me that you carry your anger rather gracefully. I think that is admirable.

Unresolved anger can make us want to cry. I do that. That word "unresolved" sounds kind of false to me. Do we ever resolve anger? I think we do, or more of us would be leading criminal lives. I've been told that crying lets out uncomfortable and unhappy feelings leading to improved well-being. I never, never found that to be true. So I don't know if you are missing a lot by not crying. I think some people are criers and some are not. I don't think that one temperamental style is better than the other.

You certainly don't come across to me as dull and crusty. But I believe that you are describing what you experience about yourself. That can be different than what you project. I would have thought that you would be a person who is a good friend to yourself. Maybe that's not how it feels to you.

I'm sure the seizure disorder massively complicates lots of things for you, including relating to others. I think there are bound to be people around us who are understanding, if we can spot them, who could factor in special problems we have - like your seizure disorder. Through where you get your neurological care, is there a way you could hook up with others who have this physical issue? Seems these days there are support groups for just about everything. I wonder if that might be something you would be interested in, if it exists. Do you have anyone in your life that you trust a lot?

Maybe what you call an "uncomfortable lack of emotions" is a restraining of emotions that you have achieved to be able to cope with the challenges you must have getting along with a history of psych issues and the on-going problem of a seizure disorder, whose symptoms are unpredictable. That's a lot to cope with, while managing the ordinary challenges of day to day living. I suspect you have a lot of strength. Maybe it surprises you that you don't just fall apart in frustration and despair.

You certainly DO BELONG here at PC. I'll bet you could belong elsewhere, and only you can decide where to try that out. I understand that the seizure disorder would have to be accommodated by any venue that you put yourself into. That might impose some restrictions. I'm sure it does. I don't think it should shut you out from having a support network, and other human interaction. Having said that, I know it's easy to say these things and another matter to make it happen. I can't offer any personal success story of my own to show how to do it. I, also, feel like I don't "belong." And I, too, would say I feel very much a lack of "ambition." Maybe that is from talking ourselves out of something before trying. Or maybe we have tried and not had enough success to keep from becoming discouraged. I read once that discouragement is the devil's favorite tool for undermining us. At least, we can encourage one and other, here at PC.

[purple_fins]

I'm sure you belong here at PC and I'm sorry you are having such difficult struggles at the moment.

(had to post, even if short am going through awful times myself but
wanted to make sure to let you know you have many places you can belong to and this is one of them)
I think "Rose" had some very good points!

best to you,
fins

I know how you feel shezbut. I have issues with belonging too. I can't get close to people. I can't reach out. It's painful. I hope you can find peace here.

[shezbut]

I hope that you are able to do the same, Lydia.

It IS so hard!! Gentle hugs to you.