[Peilrroja Loca]

I'm troubled by not remembering some of the things that one of my alters did. She is extremely sexual and created quite the mess about 3 years ago. Not only did she have sex with multiple men, she videotaped it and uploaded it to the internet. This has only very recently been discovered and I was unaware of it until recently. This has been devastating to my partner. Of course, he feels extremely betrayed despite this was the actions of an alter. He has been very forgiving of the behavior, but he is still extremely in need of some of the answers of what exactly did happen. He feels that he really needs at least some details to get closure and put all of this into the past. Unfortunately, I have complete amnesia to all of it. This has really put a wedge in our relationship.

So, I've been googling around to see what might help. I tried hypnosis and had no luck. I am having no luck in remembering with my therapist either. I read about drug assisted interview. Sodium thiopental (pentothal) or sodium amobarbital (amytal) used to be used in an IV. But, now they are using Ativan or Valium in an IV. Anyway, they relax you so much and decrease your inhibitions so much that it helps in recall of supressed/repressed memories and in alters "coming out". I guess this used to be the standard way to diagnose DID or for memory recall.

My question is has anyone ever done this? And who does this? How can I find someone to do this? I know that we may have to live without every knowing how the pornographic videos came to be, but I'd be willing to try this.

If this were me, I wouldn't put myself through drugs just for my partners sense of well being and I would feel slighted at a partner that asked me to. All drugs have side effects and especially at high doses and all for his closure? If I wasn't aware and I told my partner and they didn't believe me, then what else can I do? You can't beat a dead horse.

But it's up to you PL. I have never personally been through it and I have told myself I won't because I have heard of side effects.

[Peilrroja Loca]

I don't know that I'll actually try this. Haven't asked my T about it and I'm guessing that she wouldn't think it's a good idea. My partner has been to T with me and has been to another T on his own who specializes in PTSD and DID. He "knows" that I may never know, but he's still frustrated and hopeful for answers. I have some communication with this alter and she's given me basic info, but both my partner and I wonder what led up to all of this or did she jump right into the mess. Plus, is there any more out there? I tend to speculate and think the worst. I worry about false memories, but I can't help but wonder if my alter is minimizing what she's done. Or am I just exaggerating what I think may have happened. Plus, there's always the standard answer that I may not be able to handle the truth just yet or even ever. The memories will come when I'm ready for them.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Peilrroja Loca

I'm troubled by not remembering some of the things that one of my alters did. She is extremely sexual and created quite the mess about 3 years ago. Not only did she have sex with multiple men, she videotaped it and uploaded it to the internet. This has only very recently been discovered and I was unaware of it until recently. This has been devastating to my partner. Of course, he feels extremely betrayed despite this was the actions of an alter. He has been very forgiving of the behavior, but he is still extremely in need of some of the answers of what exactly did happen. He feels that he really needs at least some details to get closure and put all of this into the past. Unfortunately, I have complete amnesia to all of it. This has really put a wedge in our relationship.

So, I've been googling around to see what might help. I tried hypnosis and had no luck. I am having no luck in remembering with my therapist either. I read about drug assisted interview. Sodium thiopental (pentothal) or sodium amobarbital (amytal) used to be used in an IV. But, now they are using Ativan or Valium in an IV. Anyway, they relax you so much and decrease your inhibitions so much that it helps in recall of supressed/repressed memories and in alters "coming out". I guess this used to be the standard way to diagnose DID or for memory recall.

My question is has anyone ever done this? And who does this? How can I find someone to do this? I know that we may have to live without every knowing how the pornographic videos came to be, but I'd be willing to try this.

you said you didnt have any luck with using hypnosis. Ive also looked for this kind of thing, drugs like the truth serum is just another way to place a person under hypnosis. it wont make you tell anything more than what you got from hypnosis. if your alters blocked releasing the memories to you by way of hypnosis they are able to prevent disclosure through the use of these hypnotic producing drugs.

my suggestion - dont cause yourself more harm. take the more natural route of working with your treatment providers. they will help you remember in a way that is not traumatic to your system.

[Peilrroja Loca]

Almost every day, I say "Please! Somebody wake me up from this nightmare!". The other day, I told my T "I think I've died and I went to hell. This must be what hell feels like!" Remembering all of this stuff can be so overwhelming. Mentally and physically exhausting.

But, the good news is that these thoughts and feelings are pretty short-lived. I'm learning to just ignore the non-believers and surround myself with supportive people. The negative people just drag you down, suck up all your energy and waste all your time. All they do is mess your head up and slow down your healing time.

I'm hanging in there! And no more pushing the memories. And no drug-assisted interviews for me!