I am feeling so sick.

Hi Everyone,
I've been reading your posts and answers but haven't felt like posting for a while. But I want to today. Things are changing so much for me. First, I really decided I do not like men at all. This is so strange for me. I have always loved them and I know I have parts in me that are male. The last three dates I went on were complete disasters. When I sat on the couch with them I felt as friendly as a tree trunk. I don't want to take any calls either. But that is the easy part.

Three days ago I was thinking about something my cousin said when we were both little, and now that I am adult I would have to say that indicated that she was abused. Was I also . . . of course I don't know. But I did remember how sick I felt when I stayed over at her house one time. I had a headache and nausea for days.

Two days I ago I went to therapy and talked about the sad feelings and I was letting an alter hold the sad feelings because she would and she was doing such a good job and being so sweet about it. She didn't know why but she is so sweet and good and giving. And it gave me a great chance to be happy part of the time. And I was taking good care of her.

T said to her that now she was holding the feelings and feeling them, that more deeper stuff would happen. She felt bad about that because she had not bargained for that . . . just the feelings as they were. Oh well . . huh.

But that night, omg I got so sick. Just the same way as when I was a little girl that time before. It felt just the same. And I could not hardly even think. On the next day, I remembered having that feeling over and over and over again in my life as a child and as an adult.

Now it is more than a day later. I am able to get out of bed and go down to the kitchen to make a sandwich. I was surprised to see that it had been cleaned up. That was nice. I hope I feel much better because I have to write a major paper and work 2 twelve hour shifts in the next few days.

My question is . . . how likely is it that my illness was not a coincidence? That my illness of the past two days has a meaning. It is just the same as before . . . a horrible headache and unrelenting nausea. But I am not throwing up, I don't have a fever, I don't have muscle aches or a sore throat.

I still feel very ill, but I need to start writing the paper. If you have any thoughts, please share them.

Thank you again for all your posts and sharing. It means a lot to me to see your postings every day even though I have not said anything. Thank you so so much.

Roseheart

Roseheart....are you having body memories? Has something triggered you recently?...Body memories aren't fun 'cause you can " feel physically and emotionally" the memory ...like it is happening for real..right now in the present. I hope you feel better soon.