Today I had a weird dissociation spells while my six year old niece was jumping all over me. It's really hard for me to deal with her age, because she is right at the age the abuse started for me. The size of her body, while I can look at it, when I feel it, I start to feel that small again. So I start to dissociate every time she goes to wrap my arms around her (she's a very touchy feely kid). And I hate that I can't stay present... I feel like I'm ignoring her to some extent or I'm distant and I am.

I talked about this with my therapist and she said six year olds should not be climbing all over adults. But I tend to disagree. I am cold and bitter because my parents never let me touch them. My niece gets a lot of affection from my sister in law and her whole family, and from me. But the rest of my family doesn't touch her. When she gets too buggy I do ask her to stop, like if it's hot out, or if she's hurting me, but I never ask her to stop because I am having flashbacks. How would I explain that?

Tonight my mom was rubbing my nieces feet and I was so jealous. My mom will barely touch me. The other week I was in the ER and I was really out of it, and I was facing a lot of stuff and I was so weak and I reached my hand through the bars of the bed and reached for her hands and she pulled away. I was so out of it. Enough to even want my mom at all. But some part wanted my mom, and she totally rejected them. That was basically my entire childhood too. So I was really jealous to see my niece get that kind of attention from my mom. Maybe jealous isn't the right word. Envious? I don't know.

[Claritytoo]

My mother and I were never close. From as far back as I can remember she was cold to me. I don't ever remember her comforting me. I cut my arm very badly by accident and was suprised when she brought me to the hospital instead of ignoring it. I still remember sitting in the car as my mother drove to the hospital and being relieved that she wasn't yelling at me or blaming me for getting hurt. Maybe because of how bad it looked. I don't know. But that is the only time I recall her trying to help me. It used to hurt when I thought about that. About my mother not loving me or caring for me. As I got older it dawned on me. That was all she had to offer. It wasn't like she was holding back. How she interacted with me was all she could do. There was nothing there and it had nothing to do with me. It was her issue not mine. Yes it hurt but she was emotionally incapable of offering more. There just wasn't anything there. There still isn't. And she doesn't see it because for her it doesn't exist.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

Today I had a weird dissociation spells while my six year old niece was jumping all over me. It's really hard for me to deal with her age, because she is right at the age the abuse started for me. The size of her body, while I can look at it, when I feel it, I start to feel that small again. So I start to dissociate every time she goes to wrap my arms around her (she's a very touchy feely kid). And I hate that I can't stay present... I feel like I'm ignoring her to some extent or I'm distant and I am.

I talked about this with my therapist and she said six year olds should not be climbing all over adults. But I tend to disagree. I am cold and bitter because my parents never let me touch them. My niece gets a lot of affection from my sister in law and her whole family, and from me. But the rest of my family doesn't touch her. When she gets too buggy I do ask her to stop, like if it's hot out, or if she's hurting me, but I never ask her to stop because I am having flashbacks. How would I explain that?

Tonight my mom was rubbing my nieces feet and I was so jealous. My mom will barely touch me. The other week I was in the ER and I was really out of it, and I was facing a lot of stuff and I was so weak and I reached my hand through the bars of the bed and reached for her hands and she pulled away. I was so out of it. Enough to even want my mom at all. But some part wanted my mom, and she totally rejected them. That was basically my entire childhood too. So I was really jealous to see my niece get that kind of attention from my mom. Maybe jealous isn't the right word. Envious? I don't know.

Lydia.. I agree with your therapist. Around here where I live and work children as young as 3 and 4 yrs old begin learning about good touch bad touch, that is your body this is mine, personal space is the distance between your own arms outstretched, and if you want to touch someone you dont climb all over them you ask "can I have a hug" you dont grab and invade someone elses space..heck even shows like sesame street, curious george, cat in the hat and other tv shows for children teach about personal space.

Im an aunt and I can tell you its perfectly acceptable to take a childs hands from grabbing you and saying...this is your body and this is mine..If you would like a hug please ask. then practice with the child asking can i have a hug.

you can also take control of this invasion of your body before the flashes start by planning a toy, book or other activity you can do with her ***before** she has a chance to grab on to you. for example when I dont want to be touched and Im around my youngest nephew I prepare for being around him by having a small toy or book in my hand and before he can reach for me I do the stepping forwards and saying "hey there buddy see what I have for you" and instead of reaching for me he reaches for the object.. then I take my time and ask him if he would like a hug. then I do the hugging or if I dont feel like giving a hug I leave him engrossed in the object while I talk with the grown ups.

I suppose you are right AmandaLouise... She doesn't climb all over just any adult. Just her main caretakers and I happen to rank pretty high, even above her father. So pretty much her mom, her mom's mom, and me. It didn't bother me so much when she was younger, but now that she's "that" age, it kills me.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

I suppose you are right AmandaLouise... She doesn't climb all over just any adult. Just her main caretakers and I happen to rank pretty high, even above her father. So pretty much her mom, her mom's mom, and me. It didn't bother me so much when she was younger, but now that she's "that" age, it kills me.

that right there (she being selective on who she does this with) shows she understands its not acceptable behavior but does so because she is allowed to do it with you, her mom, her grandma and you. children are very perceptive and figure out very young who they can get away with what. its up to you to set the boundary where you want it with her. thats what care takers do. the first few times you tell her differently is hard but after children get used to the rules and boundaries of others they are fine and even behave better in general for it.

Right after I got done with that session I set boundaries with her. Telling her "J, get off Aunt Lydia, I'm not a gymnasium". But it was during a thunderstorm and her mom goes "She's just scared!" And then I felt really bad about it. I do let her do it though... but for many reasons I won't go into like my childhood, and her fathers lack of being around.