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#1
Aug 07, 2012, 07:30 PM
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So as some of you may know, I've had my trouble with accepting my DID diagnosis. But for those that don't know just a tid bit of background info...
In late 2001 I began therapy. Was hospitalized and in and out of therapists and pdocs for about 6 months until I found a t I liked and a pdoc I liked. Along the line I was diagnosed with a number of disorders ranging from PTSD bipolar schizophrenia OCD and panic disorder. When I found the "right" doctors I was with them for about a year. Going back and forth through diagnosis' and eventually they came to the DID (in early 2002) diagnosis. Ruling out the rest besides PTSD and panic disorder (which is now generalized anxiety disorder according to my new t and pdoc) I've been in and out of therapy the last 10 years. Most doctors have agreed with the DID diagnosis but a few (including some who didn't believe it existed at all, others who thought I was too functioning to be DID) and so I started with this new t and pdoc combo in the beginning of May after a seizure (my second one) They both (after me giving them my previous diagnosis') said they were ruling everything out and starting from scratch. The more I went in the more they were going either DID or schizophrenic. At about two months in we had a joint session (both t and pdoc with me) and they said I'm not schizophrenic. That they believe fully and completely that I'm DID. All of my issues are DID related and that there isn't a doubt in either of their minds that I'm DID. I didn't expect this as t previously mentioned that my pdoc thinks DID is OVER diagnosed and far less people have it than those who are diagnosed. She was looking to rule it out completely but ended up confirming the diagnosis. So I've had many doctors who have given me the diagnosis DID and about 5-10% who have claimed it to be other things including seizures (that apparently last for a year at a time, that I talk and function and all that goodness, apparently these new seizures according to my docs are stress seizures related to DID or something) OK so going back and forth with doctors always saying "Yes you have it" then changing and sometimes doctors saying "No you don't have it" then having people do the same. Mom says I do, family who have known me my whole life say I do, my fiance says I don't. Although he admits to the changes, admits to the oddness of what I am pretty much, he is in denial like me. So now I'm here (sorry for the "bit" of background being an essay length, I tend to do that") going back and forth all the time, and just basically being afraid of what will happen if I do accept it, I just don't know how to accept this diagnosis. So I'm hoping to get help here on pc. I've heard it's common to go through denial so I'm hoping someone will have tips on how to accept this completely out there diagnosis. It's just something that... I'm afraid I will get worse off if I accept it. I'm afraid that accepting it means I'm accepting the fact that I'm not "normal" (whatever that may be) but I also don't feel like I'm that special. It's hard to accept that through all of the major crud I went through, that I was "good" enough in any sense to be able to develop something such as this. Although it's rather difficult dealing with the symptoms, I just don't feel as though I was ever special enough to do something like split and create other parts. Any advice on acceptance or anything? Sorry it's so long, I meant to keep it short, I just write too much... Any advice? How did you get past the denial stage?
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you. 
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 amandalouise, darkpurplesecrets, Hunny, Nammu
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 darkpurplesecrets, Hunny
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#2
Aug 07, 2012, 10:01 PM
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Quote:
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| darkpurplesecrets, Hunny
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| Hunny, PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#3
Aug 08, 2012, 07:18 AM
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Quote:
the only advice I have is to keep working with your treatment providers they will help you to move past the denial stage and into the healing process. which is how I was able to move out of the denial and into accepting treatment and eventually integration. just take it one step at a time. |
| Hunny
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| Hunny, PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#4
Aug 11, 2012, 08:00 AM
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These are things that helps us kind of believe... some of us still struggle but majority of us know there is more than one of us. Our T said to us hypothetically, "lets say you do not have DID" does that change things in your mind set and will that stop you (s) from resisting. Can you tell me what condition you may have then, that resembles the same behaviours, she ran off our behaviours and symptoms. We tried denying the symptoms and behaviours, she than challenged us why we would make up such lies about our behaviours. Ahhhh is all that come to our mind. It forced some of us to believe.
Maybe try NOT believing it helped us accept a bit more.
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Abuse happens everyday and every moment of the day and still people walk around like nothings happened. But I ask does that make the normal insane and insane normal ? Are they the one's that need the help? The so called sane are the ones that don't except the real world  |
| Hunny
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| darkpurplesecrets, Hunny
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#5
Aug 11, 2012, 01:34 PM
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I would think of it like I think of any other illnesses I have. It is not "you," it is behaviors, symptoms, defenses, an illness you have at the moment but, knowing what it is for sure, finally, you can really start working on getting well if you want.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
| Hunny
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| PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#6
Aug 11, 2012, 05:01 PM
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Because I have read your posts in the past, I know that there are parts of you who do believe in the diagnosis and are sure of it. So What I'm afraid is that If I say "You should listen to your doctors who say you have it" you will automatically switch to those parts who already know about it. Leaving the part(s) that are in denial, still in denial. I know this, because I live this. I can be so sure of it one moment (like right now) and the next I am confused and I am trying to convince myself it is true, but it seems as soon as I do, I switch to a part that can handle the diagnosis. I know that this happens because I have parts that still deny the abuse. And if they deny the abuse, then they still deny the diagnosis. You can't have DID without abuse, right? So until those parts are ready to hear and handle the fact that I was abused, they will continue to deny the DID and other parts. It's complicated how they can consider themselves as the only ones alive in a system, but they do. It's survival. That's what DID is. It's survival. |
| Hunny, PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#7
Aug 12, 2012, 06:55 PM
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Thank you all for the advice, it's all very very helpful.
Now I'm in the middle. I'm fighting with myself right now. Had a get together with one of my brothers and my mom where mom says "Does that remind you of Becky?" (referring to a part) and I just shrugged the comment off although it was around a lot of people. Then my fiance gets mad when we get home, at ME, for the comment my mom made (he's apologized, he's having a bad day) and says people saying that kind of thing doesn't help me. He's just as much in denial as I am, if not more. He understands the changes, he sees things are off but when I question him with it, he just shrugs and says he doesn't know what could be causing it. It just kind of hurt me because he made the comment "I just want things to be normal and when people make comments like that, it makes it hard" Oh how I wish I were normal. So I'm being pulled in two different directions and it's like I'm pulling myself in two different directions No way I have it, that's just not me Yes I do, I've always had it, it explains everything perfectly It doesn't really explain things, I mean other things can explain it, maybe not perfectly but close at least But it makes perfect sense, it always has... On and on back and forth... But yes, I'll just try accepting the symptoms and going from there, try to push the name out my head. Bad day, and my belly hurts 
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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| complic8d, darkpurplesecrets, Hunny
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#8
Aug 12, 2012, 09:58 PM
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I go 'round and 'round with denial too. covinced one minuet I do. Covinced it's rediculous the next. But my therapist gave me a list of symptoms and asked me "which ones on this list do you not have?"
She did the same with PTSD a year or so before. And I already knew I had that. I have this thing about accpeting any diagnosis concerning mental illness. I'm not the only one from what I have heard from others. I don't want to accept it because of what it says about me. I don't think I need to go in to detail about that, but I don't want those things to be true. Even when I know the reasons are stupid. About people getting worse when they accept a diagnosis of a discociative disorder? I think for some people that's true. For others I think it more a matter of becoming aware of having the symptoms, and having them actually be real, and not imaginary, makes them seems worse. Of course, some seem to like it. they are really into it, and don't seem to want to get better. I don't get that. I want it to be over. I want it fixed. I want whatever it takes. But denial gets in the way of that. so I need to get over it. At the same time, I don't know another way to be. It's probably going to be a matter of managing my DID issues, and living with them, than of being cured.  jax
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Jax 
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| PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#9
Aug 12, 2012, 11:36 PM
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((((PurpleFlyingMonkeys))))
Thank you PFM for sharing that with us. I validate how you feel and I am sorry you are going through so much. Denial is something I think we all go through. It is hard to explain and it takes time. It did not take us just a short period to get where we are and for me it was hard enough to even admit anything was wrong at all or that anything happened. I think often times we can go back and forth in denial. It was not until this last week that I had to stop denying parts of me because these parts were trained and programmed to do what they did/do. The hardest part there is I had/have no idea they even exist or what they do until I come back and something is wrong or I have done something I know nothing about. Even if I know of their existence, I have no co-consciousness with those parts but this is what my abusers wanted. It left/leaves me to clean up something that I have no answers for. Some of those within can sound, act, and make it look like it is me when I really have no idea at all. I believe this was set up this way so that no one would believe me and make me look crazy and unbelievable. They had to do this to keep everyone away and to make me feel no one would ever believe me especially when I cannot even believe myself. When this happens I feel so lost and feel as though I am a horrible person and somewhere I feel that I do not belong. It keeps that worthless, nothing, and bad belief in myself alive causing me to push others away, alienate myself from those that care and are there, and that I must be lying because I must be doing this. It keeps me locked inside questioning everything, myself and my own truths. But it is hard to deny it when there is only you and one other person there, knowing that the other person would never lie to you and that the body is hurt, a massive headache there that no medicine can stop, and a lost feeling that you cannot explain. Yet, you have no idea how or what just took place, you do not remember anything since earlier that morning and it is now almost evening and the whole day is gone and you have no idea of where you went or what took place, you just were not there. It was at that point that I could not deny it and I had to look at it. That part of myself that was trained to hurt me, to push others away, and that has no feelings, feels no pain, no emotions, no remorse; yet that part is there and very much a part of me that does these things. I have come to learn and believe, and even see that those parts also helped me to survive, to keep going on, and that when I really stopped and looked at it, were still only trying to keep me alive and protect me---it was their job, all they know. Those parts came to be when I left because I could not take any more pain and even though they were controlled and even named by the cult, they were still a part of me. Those parts were also abused and taught to react and to do those things. Those parts in me went through abuse that made them shut off any feelings of pain and remorse. They learned and were trained to look and act like me so that no one would have any clue it was not me. As a child, I could not have emotions or feelings. The only feeling and emotion was fear something that they engrained within me from the beginning so that I would not even believe in myself and that they would have total control. No fear or feelings meant that those parts could hurt the body even end it if it was supposed to or time. Those parts believed they would not die even if I was gone. They were brainwashed to believe they would go on and in that their secrets and what they did would never be known. It seems that every time I start to get something or begin to get a realization of truth, or a memory begins to come that I was never to tell, these parts step up to stop me and to make me question myself all over again. It shuts me down and I feel once again totally worthless. It causes me to deny what I know and to doubt everything all over again. Truth is they had to do this because they had to make it unbelievable and take the responsibility and what they did off of them. The shame and guilt that you feel just grows even deeper and for me I pull farther and farther away. I was told it was all just a bad dream, that no one would ever believe me or care, that if I told bad girls go to the bad place where they never come back. Then in the same breath I was told to never tell, and that was always followed up with you made me do this. It left me not even being able to hear the contradictions in their own words because it was something I believed. I also think that the denial in part is also my own shame of who did this and not wanting anyone to know that my own parents and family were the ones to abuse me. Knowing that they made me ask for sex and thank them for it made it feel like it was my fault, I must have wanted it because I asked. Setting me up to feel guilt and shame and that if I told I had to ask for it I must have been bad. Others within learned this very well and often have done things to get love however they could, from strange men never known on the internet. Disappearing and not knowing until you come to with a man you never met and not knowing where you are or how you got there. To tell someone this makes you sound crazy, and leaves questions to what else have I done? For a long time I denied it, I could not tell anyone, and because it went against my own morals that I believed in and was even married, shut me down even more, and the denial of it all grew. It does make you feel not normal and the guilt and shame get deeper engrained and the denial just grows more and more. If we question ourselves why wouldn’t anyone else question us? One minute knowing something is wrong and not right, not remembering but at the same time you are the only one there----but you do not remember anything. They set us up in constant lose/lose situations, no matter how hard you try or tried it was never right. And because that is all we know we continue in those lose/lose situations not even knowing we are doing it. And for us, myself, I did not even realize I was in lose/lose situations----I just knew that no matter what I did it was never right and even if it was right the time before the rules and expectations changed and I did not know it. Trying hard to stay just one step ahead, trying to figure out what they were thinking and expected before they even said anything, still trying today to do the same thing, but there is no way to know what someone is thinking for we cannot or could not read their minds. But we had to try. How do we tell anyone that? How do we explain the unexplainable? So once again the denial sets in deeper, because if we deny it and tell no one then no one will ever know. And the denial we carry really hurts us and we do not even realize that. We cannot reach out and tell anyone if denial is there and that keeps their secrets and abuse silent and safe and they never have to feel responsible or carry the guilt and shame that is not really ours at all. I also think that denial is not only something we go through but I am beginning to see that it is something they created within us. Something they had to do to control us and to make us question our very own truths and keep us from ever telling. What we did as a child to help us make it through also became something they used to keep us locked in silence and to take away our own beliefs and ability to see what it really is for us. If I question myself and cannot believe how can I ask anyone to hear me or believe me? Their consistency to wire our brains wrong not knowing the truth and not developing as normal children do, for me never believing I was loved or learning that trust even existed, knowing only hurt and abuse but at the same time knowing that they were my parents and all I had and still needed no matter how bad it got, and the lengths they went to, to make us doubt and question ourselves, is also the consistency we need and time we need to rewire our brains and to understand or even get what was never there. We did not get here over night and we are not going to get to where we need and want to be overnight either, we need to give ourselves permission to take it slow and to feel what we feel because only then can we begin to understand and see a different way. There are things I have been told over and over and over and I could not get it or understand, there was nothing there to understand it or to even see what was being told to me. Even now I struggle often understanding or even seeing what is being said. But over time, years, I am beginning to have realizations and connections in rewiring the lies, and I have often tried to push it to try hard to get it, but it only caused more pain and feelings of worthlessness and failure. It caused so many tornadoes within and the spinning getting out of control pulling everything in leaving me devastated and in denial more than ever. It often still whirls out of control and denying it only makes it harder and I feel more lost. But it takes time to get it, when you have never been told the truth for so long and only knew one way, it is hard to undo those lies and wires that have no connection to what others can see or know. And I know for me when I finally get it and that connection is made the way it should have been in the first place, it really hurts my head. It is not only me that it goes through, but others within getting it and being able to see it and hold onto it. It is some of the hardest things we have ever had to do. And often times the denial is so strong not only to me but to those within. But I still at times go back and forth with denial. I still feel often that I am lost and even though I can remember parts I cannot remember the whole. It is those times that another took over and kept me going. Truth is those that took over and did and do things I do not understand or know of really did whatever they had to so we could keep going. We never saw it as a choice but truly it was a choice, a choice to live. And I am also beginning to see that those parts, and even me, do have feelings. Feelings to protect others from what we have been through and seen, even when it is in a way that is not so nice or the way they should it is fear reacting to protect. I think PFM, what you are going through is normal and it is okay. It is okay to be where you are and it is okay to question, for it is only then that we find the answers. Because in that questioning we are looking and searching for the answers, and it does not make you bad for doing that----it is all a process and it takes as long as it takes. There is no time limit on healing. We take steps as we are ready to take them and sometimes we go backwards, not because we are failing but because we are going deeper. Like an onion we are peeling back the layers. It many times takes steps and those steps are there for our protection and for us to be able to not be so overwhelmed through it all. I know for me, my system seems to know when I am ready to hear something and they will protect me until that time. They also help me through it when the time comes. It’s hard, it’s terrifying, but it is what we have to do to get to where we want to be. I know for me it has been steps, small steps, and steps that came when the time was right and I was ready. I do not think I could have come this far if it all came at me all at once. I also think that knowing it is not going to make you worse hon. Knowing it makes it possible for you to keep going. The more we deny what we know inside, the harder it is for us to take steps. For me, when I denied those within I would get awful headaches letting me know that they were there. Knowing it for me gave me something to hold onto that I was not crazy, and in admitting it then gave me a way to work through it. I have a long way to go but I am farther than I have ever been. It is not easy, it is sometimes all I can do to keep going but when I was in total denial it made it worse for me. I knew something was not right, I was so afraid to reach out or to even live. Because it was/is still happening, my denial made it possible for it to keep happening with no way to step out of it at all. It kept me silent and in that silence they could continue their abuse and the guilt and shame only grew. I am not sure what normal is but sometimes I think those that know something is not right and are searching are more normal than someone who says they have no problems. As far as being special enough to do what we did, it was a good thing and without our ability to do what we did we might not have made it. I could not see that for a long time but I can now see that being able to dissociate and those that stepped in kept me alive, something that all humans strive for----survival. I guess I have been able to see that when we have one piece over here, another piece over there, another piece somewhere else until we begin to get enough pieces the puzzle is not going to go together. As we find out more and the pieces of our lives begin to fall into place and come together, it is then that we can see the truth for what it was. When we try to fit the pieces together before we have enough pieces to work with, they do not fit. It leaves us denying and questioning that if this were true it would fit. But in time as we keep pushing forward and working, questioning and searching ourselves, more and more pieces begin to show and then we can begin to fit them together. As we are ready and we will move forward, one step, one day, sometimes one minute or one second at a time. Sometimes it is days, weeks, months, or even years, before we can move and see what we cannot see now. But if we do not question, push forward as hard as it is, and even in our denial find truth, we cannot move at all. One day we will have the pieces and we will be able to find the pieces that fit together. One day it will make sense. It is different for everyone. And just because you doubt or deny today, does not mean that in time you will not come to see your truth. For so many of us questions were never possible, our lives were decided for us and what we went through is all we have ever known----questions mean we are searching for the answers. I do believe that someday we will find the answers and the truth, for it is within us no matter how much we are told it never happened. We did not do this on our own. This has been really hard for me to write and I am feeling very lost, shaky, and scared right now. I am sorry this is so long. For even in writing this I am getting more realizations myself, things that I am not sure where they have come from but they are there for a reason. This is the second time I have tried to post this and the first time it disappeared. I think this is for me as much if not more as you PFM. Thank you for writing PFM, for making me look at my own self and those within. I have to step back now and try to take this in myself. I do care PFM and I do understand and validate what you feel for I have been there and still at times am there myself. It is hard but you are doing what you need to do. And in reaching out you are trying and that is most important. I send you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.  dps  
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| Hunny, PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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| Hunny, PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#10
Aug 13, 2012, 07:55 PM
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Thank you DPS, your post was a good read, made a lot of sense and I myself got a bit teary and shaky during parts of it.
I have/had parts that block emotions as well, I spent a good majority of my life like a robot. My old t believed it was the result of a part, that I had a part specifically for hiding feelings, numbing pretty much. ********Triggering part... If triggered by SA or abuse at all skip ahead to where I say end of trigger****** I've spent my whole life trying to put (as you mentioned and as I've always myself said) the puzzle pieces of my past together. Most of it got no where but every now and then, through pictures or a clip of a memory before or after, I can figure out where most of the abuse came from. Which people. But it's all still anyones guess for the most part. One person from the past, not the worst but up in the top 5 of the worst abusers in my past, I don't know where it came from but basically, once I got this DID, a month after the thing that caused me to snap, he moved in. My step father. And for some reason I missed that whole year, blacked it all out. But he was around for 8 years, funny that I barely remember him, can't even put a face to him unless I'm looking at pictures. Anyways... So I always knew that the way he punished me was different and wrong, he picked a much less appropriate way, but I didn't know the extent. Just the belt and not appropriate circumstances. I don't remember any of the details but the before. And up until recently, I only remembered after he left the room. I didn't know why I wouldn't leave my room after his punishments, I just remember staying in bed all night every time, go to bed without seeing my mom. So I don't know where it came from, maybe it was from inside or what but a part of that memory came back. I always had my suspicions about things that happened, but never anything other than one thing (I really am trying my hardest not to add triggers, sorry for the triggers) that made it different than my brothers punishments. So was it yesterday or the day before? I don't remember but I was laying in bed and it's like it replayed part of it. Not anything graphic. But him sitting on my bed, me covering with the sheets curled in a ball crying my eyes out and him looking at me saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. Please don't tell your mom. You can't leave your room tonight, you have to stay in here all night. I'm sorry I hurt you" I'm glad I don't remember what he was apologizing for, I am guessing my guess is pretty accurate. But as much as I want to heal and I want to be strong enough, I'm not. Just having one more thing pushing the fact that he could have gone beyond spanking, is enough to send me down hill. I was in such a scary place after ward, I've been feeling like I'm being pulled back, I unintentionally started an argument with my fiance, he was touching me and of course being in that mind set it made me panic and push him away, didn't tell him why I was being the way I was so it kind of caused a slight riff. But of course we're ok now. But this small memory proved to me, yes I probably do need to take baby steps and not try to run to the finish line so to speak. Heck if I can't manage the possibility, I don't know what I will do with the much worse abusers, when I learn what happened by them... I don't want to know... But I have to know to get better and I want to get better.... Yet another cycle ***********************End of triggers********************* So basically I want to accept it, but my mind is going around and around. Afraid to have it and afraid I don't have it. If I have it, that means I'm a lot more troubled (as in a lot more to overcome with my past than I know about) than I feel some days. It means that people I am the closest to will become people I no longer trust (which is probably justified but...) it would mean that as much as I want to believe it (even though I can't) I'm not normal and am far from it. It would mean that there is a whole other/many other part of me that I don't even know (I guess I already know this to be true too though) it would mean that I obviously don't know myself at all. And it would mean that the things I've wished were just dreams, were really reality. If I don't have it it would mean I am crazy, that I am psychotic. I'm just in a spiralling circle. When I'm in denial I feel much more normal than I should considering, but I also feel like I'm over all crazy, that I will snap and go into a psychotic episode. But when I'm in the acceptance phase, is normally when I'm in the episode and everything makes sense. But when the storm calms, and everything seems stable and normal, I'm left wondering if any of it was real. I've been tempted to somehow find a way to trigger myself to prove it once and for all to myself, but I've been triggered and the facts have been put in front of my eyes numerous times. I'll believe it while it's happening but once things calm down, I'm back to denial. Even denying or devalidating my symptoms, trying to find excuses. I want to get better, I just don't want to take on the challenges that come along with it. T thinks I'm the so called "gate keeper" that I am a part but since I am a people pleaser and so easy to get along with, and I just cave and give in to everyone to avoid confrontation and all of that that I have the most control of the body. But if I accept them I'm afraid it will cause me to lose more time. Last night was hard, I was getting pulled away but I refused. Sometimes I give in to it but last night I fought my hardest. And kept thinking to myself/them "I can handle this, I can do this. I want to stay out, I will stay out, don't come out right now, I need to be the one out right now" I was stopping it because my fiance and I had just gotten over our argument (wasn't a fight or anything though) and I went to work. When he picked me up I guess me or someone within panicked or something because I instantly started to panic and get pulled back. I thought it was important considering he and I were just getting back to normal, for me to stay out. And after having a long thinking conversation (although one sided) about why I should stay out, the pulling stopped and I was fine the rest of the night. I think I'm just rambling, I'm just really trying to make sense of this... Thank you again DPS for such a long, thoughtful and thorough response I really appreciate it and it gave me a lot to think about
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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| darkpurplesecrets, Hunny
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| darkpurplesecrets, Hunny
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#11
Aug 17, 2012, 09:06 AM
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Purple Flying monkeys
I have days like that too. And I've only just begun. I've found a book called got parts it a work book and its pretty good for working through it and explaining things with resources at the back. I finished a life in pieces very interesting reading the moral I got was that DID is not evil it is a highly evolved defense mechanism to cope with various stressors unfortunately it involves losing time for that particular case. I have come to realise that I am there using hearing and seeing but I feel blocked from controlling my actions and behaviours when I am in a stressful situation it is quite odd the worst part is that I hate myself for losing the control, that turns to anger then finally turns to denial. Hugs my friend Love Lou
__________________
As a child you were not responsible for the actions/reactions of the adults who were responsible for you
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#12
Aug 17, 2012, 12:23 PM
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quote=PurpleFlyingMonkeys;2488627]So as some of you may know, I've had my trouble with accepting my DID diagnosis. But for those that don't know just a tid bit of background info...
In late 2001 I began therapy. Was hospitalized and in and out of therapists and pdocs for about 6 months until I found a t I liked and a pdoc I liked. Along the line I was diagnosed with a number of disorders ranging from PTSD bipolar schizophrenia OCD and panic disorder. When I found the "right" doctors I was with them for about a year. Going back and forth through diagnosis' and eventually they came to the DID (in early 2002) diagnosis. Ruling out the rest besides PTSD and panic disorder (which is now generalized anxiety disorder according to my new t and pdoc) I've been in and out of therapy the last 10 years. Most doctors have agreed with the DID diagnosis but a few (including some who didn't believe it existed at all, others who thought I was too functioning to be DID) and so I started with this new t and pdoc combo in the beginning of May after a seizure (my second one) They both (after me giving them my previous diagnosis') said they were ruling everything out and starting from scratch. The more I went in the more they were going either DID or schizophrenic. At about two months in we had a joint session (both t and pdoc with me) and they said I'm not schizophrenic. That they believe fully and completely that I'm DID. All of my issues are DID related and that there isn't a doubt in either of their minds that I'm DID. I didn't expect this as t previously mentioned that my pdoc thinks DID is OVER diagnosed and far less people have it than those who are diagnosed. She was looking to rule it out completely but ended up confirming the diagnosis. So I've had many doctors who have given me the diagnosis DID and about 5-10% who have claimed it to be other things including seizures (that apparently last for a year at a time, that I talk and function and all that goodness, apparently these new seizures according to my docs are stress seizures related to DID or something) OK so going back and forth with doctors always saying "Yes you have it" then changing and sometimes doctors saying "No you don't have it" then having people do the same. Mom says I do, family who have known me my whole life say I do, my fiance says I don't. Although he admits to the changes, admits to the oddness of what I am pretty much, he is in denial like me. So now I'm here (sorry for the "bit" of background being an essay length, I tend to do that") going back and forth all the time, and just basically being afraid of what will happen if I do accept it, I just don't know how to accept this diagnosis. So I'm hoping to get help here on pc. I've heard it's common to go through denial so I'm hoping someone will have tips on how to accept this completely out there diagnosis. It's just something that... I'm afraid I will get worse off if I accept it. I'm afraid that accepting it means I'm accepting the fact that I'm not "normal" (whatever that may be) but I also don't feel like I'm that special. It's hard to accept that through all of the major crud I went through, that I was "good" enough in any sense to be able to develop something such as this. Although it's rather difficult dealing with the symptoms, I just don't feel as though I was ever special enough to do something like split and create other parts. Any advice on acceptance or anything? Sorry it's so long, I meant to keep it short, I just write too much... Any advice? How did you get past the denial stage?[/quote] ((((( purpleflying monkeys)))) I was diagnosed d.i.d when i was sixteen years old ....but I was not told and at the time ( early 80's) I don't think it was an "official Diagnosis" So I was told that I was Schitzoafective,borderline, bi-polar,PTSD,ED disorders....I don't know; you name it and I have been diagnosed it.I think looking back that I must have caused quite a few T's and psydocs to scratch their heads because I was so "confusing" Any way my best friends and my daughter "knew" I had d.i.d before I did.I was finally diagnosed again in 1993 while I was an inpatient at a state hospital in Ga.BUT there was no one around who had any experience in treating d.i.d so most T didn't want to touch me with a ten foot pole.One Psydoc admitted that he didn't want to diagnose me d.i.d because if he did then he would have to treat me....so I was shipped off to Shepard Pratt where it was quite obvious that I had d.i.d.....but did I accept it ? NO...even when staff saw me switch 4 times in 30 minutes....and at the time they asked me to start journaling now if you ever wonder *if* you are a d.i.d look at your journal with all the different hand writings,ages of the "people" writing...helps you to believe.Then the time loss thing which a lot of us diders have there's no denying that we loose time.See PFM being able to dissociate saved my life and probably my sanity.The dissociation worked and served us very well till we were in our early 30's when the dissociation started to not work so well, instead it made more problems.I have had many,many T's and Psydocs in my time and there are only 3 that knew what they were doing.I think for me I had to have *prof* that I had "people" inside my head that did,said and were very different from each other,and when you get called a liar it hurts...because YOU know you didn't do say what some one saw / heard you do /say because "We all look alike" People who don't know you have parts they see" You do say what ever" ( so you can't say "I didn't do it Susie Q did that) This diagnosis is very difficult because it is so rare and there are so few T and Psydocs that know how to treat it.I finally accepted it....but for some reason I was deeply ashamed of it.I cant explain the shame and quilt I still feel at times. I found a T in March of 2011 who has 20 years experience with d.i.d and she has helped me so much.....PFM; I'm healing , I am feeling lighter freer she has been able to help me integrate a few, it's amazing when you start to live life,be apart of life....healing is hard ,it's painful,it sux's at times....but it's worth it when you start "waking up". It has taken us a year to trust this new T...I'm so glad I am sticking with her because believe me there are times when all I know to do is show up for my appointment.I guess what I'm trying to say PFM is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel d.i.d is one diagnosis that is fixable which makes *me* feel better. There are times when I wished I had a "regular " diagnosis....but my brain felt like splitting ( was the best thing to do) to deal with some pretty horrific junk that was done to our "core" personality....which by the way we have not reached yet. I hope maybe some thing I have said helps you FPM....I really like you So take care and I am here if you need some one to talk to,you are not alone.....when I am at a party every one has a name tag ....but I have a Rolodex ... Life....
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When life gets crazy.....love it even more!! 
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| Hunny, PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#13
Aug 17, 2012, 07:02 PM
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good to hear that others deal with denial even after years of treatment. just recently back into denial after what heard come out of my mouth and saw in my head in session. This is all so complicated.
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| Hunny, PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#14
Aug 19, 2012, 03:51 PM
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I would have to agree with the above statement "denial" is easier than accepting. Besides it's a defense mechanism and people with DID are experts at denying everything. We deny that we have lived through or witnessed severe trauma.
So while we continue to allow dissocaition to rule our lives the more strength we give to the 'denial stage". I am not saying it's easy. I have no connection to my alters being the host, but I still allow the T to work with them. It's not hurting me or anyone else but accepting the " alters" need help. Okay this is only partial acceptance but it's a stage that works for me/us. Maybe you could do the same - partial acceptance. The alters need that from you and maybe nothing else at this stage. they will let you know when they need more of your acceptance... Hope that helps a bit to break down that horrible defence mechanism.
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Abuse happens everyday and every moment of the day and still people walk around like nothings happened. But I ask does that make the normal insane and insane normal ? Are they the one's that need the help? The so called sane are the ones that don't except the real world |
| PurpleFlyingMonkeys, such is life...
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#15
Aug 19, 2012, 07:31 PM
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Thank you all, you all have definately helped. I still don't feel any less in denial but I do feel less like a phony even to myself. I kind of felt like "Well if even you who inhabits this body doesn't believe it then it must not be true and somehow you're a liar without realizing it" I don't know if that makes sense, my mind is very twisted in my thinking process, let's just say I wasn't taught the corrects ways of learning thinking or anything else for that matter.
T is trying to help me start internal dialogue, and it's helped but mostly it only works when I am trying to sleep. When I'm at that point where I'm about to fall asleep I get jolted awake hearing them talking and often screaming at each other, never really directed at me. So he had me start to try to encourage it, instead of waiting for something bad to happen that set them off, he had me before bed try to talk to them to let them know it was ok to come out and talk to me. I did and it worked. But I got about 30 minutes of sleep in the 8 hours I was in bed. So needless to say t and I don't think it's a good idea to try that any more. So now before I go to be I silently ask them to keep it down so the body can get some rest, without sleep it's a HUGE disaster and I seem to lose more time that way. So without that small window of communication I'm not really sure how to get the "proof" I want. As far as the journaling goes, when I was journaling on my own (before I started with the current t, I was in a bad place dissociating constantly I thought it would help) I frequently noticed the different handwrittings. My fiance even pointed them out a couple of times, and a couple of times I noticed that the handwriting changed when I was dissociating (I was writing and then I would start to feel myself being pulled away and the next thing I know I'm reading this response to a rhetorical question, but it's in a different handwriting. So when t asked I brought this up. He asked me to start journaling again so we could look at the different handwritings, so I did, but they have been consistant since I started journaling again. I didn't know what to think but when I tried to bring in my old journal with the different handwrittings, of course it turned up missing minutes before the appointment, even though I got it out of the closet and put it on the counter so I would remember, well low and behold the journal turned up slid behind the TV in my bedroom when I remembered specifically putting it on the bar in the living room. I searched all over and no one knew where it was. So I flipped through it and a lot was missing. Strange. I don't know now, and I've wondered this before, either I'm imagining that the writings were there or some part hid the journal and ripped the pages out as a way to keep it a secret, knowing why I was bringing it to t. T says that parts are listening to the conversations as I get that really cloudy confusing almost out of it feeling every time I go in to his office. Either way it's not helping my acceptance of them. Maybe they aren't ready for it, could that be a possibility? I know I'm not quite ready for everything but I'm wondering, if they are hiding perhaps it's because they're not ready to be revealed? It took 9 months for them to reveal themselves to the first t that diagnosed me DID. I personally have a problem trusting men, I can't imagine the trust issues within of the ones who were actually hurt by those men. So I'm kind of stuck in this place, the place of denial but acceptance, if that makes sense. I don't believe it because I don't have concrete evidence staring me in the face, sure before I did but now that I don't I always wonder if there could be some other explination. Then I believe it because it makes sense. But other things might make sense too... But they don't. Like supposedly schizophrenia and bipolar disorder don't occur together. But I've been diagnosed both, and many t's believe that the diagnosis was not correct, but it was the DID creating those symptoms, which makes sense as no medication has ever helped, has only made me 20 times worse off. But maybe I do have both? Even though neither my pdoc nor my t believe I have either one, they are 100% certain. I know they are just names but it means a lot to me to know if it's something that is actually there or something I imagine is there (the voices, emotions etc)
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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#16
Aug 22, 2012, 08:57 PM
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Just an hour ago I was back doubting ANYTHING at all was wrong, I felt 100% "normal", kind of. I could feel deep down things were wrong, but everything just seemed normal and ok.
Then I walk up to the counter a minute ago and answer the phone, and instantly start to be pulled away and start to hear and see myself more than be myself. Looks like the work part wants to come out, but typically that's not unless I'm in a horrible mood... I was doubting and now I'm feeling all, floaty and spacey. Funny how quick things can change...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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