Can any of you relate to this? (maybe triggering?)

I have borderline personality disorder. Ever since I was at least 11 or 12, my mind has blocked me out. I'm completely detached from it. I can't picture or imagine anything, I cant think at all. Everything I say or do is like an impulse. I dissociate as well.

I lost complete touch with reality (depersonalization?) over a month ago. And ever since, everything has be hell. Spiraling downhill. I alternate rapidly between suicidal, wanting to cut, being really *****y and emotionally abusive, and feeling so angry that I feel possessed. I have little control over what I do or say. My mind has a mind of its own. My identity changes rapidly. I can't remember anything anymore.

Last night, I was really irritated and something triggered me, I can't remember what it was, but I tried to hurt myself with the first thing in sight, a metal nail file (not sharp enough, but it left some decent scrapes). I was then sitting on the couch talking to my mother, I was just rambling about everything. And then I started to feel really angry inside, I felt this blackness overwhelming me inside. I started to think about hurting other people. The feeling was really intense, so I was super angry, but I also had to hold back from crying at the same time.

All of a sudden, I get this tingling sensation in my scalp, and I heard a voice. It was only short, it was a very soothing feminine female voice. Kind of sounded like Arwen from LOTR. The 'door to my mind' had opened up for a brief second and this voice came out, but I couldn't hear exactly what was being said because of all the background noise inside the part of my mind that what just opened. It sounded like a very crowded mall. Lots of panic or chaos.

As soon as I started to hear the voice and background noise, I started to panic, and it stopped immediately and my mind closed again.

WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!? I've always kind of suspected DID because of how my mind is blocking me out completely, but does this like confirm it? Or am I hallucinating or going psychotic?

Once I got into therapy and had a better understanding of the function of my alters I was able to hear them as individuals. Not so much voices but thoughts. When I felt feelings of anger for no apparent reason I started by asking "who is so angry?" Or "who is so sad?" if the feeling was sad. Everyone used to talk over everyone so in the beginning I had to really listen and (the hardest part) accept that this was happening. Once I could hear someone trying to answer my question the acceptance part became natural.
The other most important thing is I found a therapist that had a history of working with DID patients. This was important for me because I am able to function in everyday life most of the time so I didn't want to be misdiagnosed and given drugs that would effect my employment and such. So my suggestion is work with your t and talk to your thoughts and see what happens. And always keep in mind if you have DID it happened to save you. So in some way they are actually trying to help you they just sometimes are stuck in time so their suggestions and actions no longer fit present life. Take care

I like you explanation.So very true

do you mean you were delusional and having hallucinations type of losing touch with reality?

here where I live and work depersonalization is feeling numb, spacy, but you stay in touch with reality.

here is the present standard for depersonalization that america uses for defining what is depersonalization....

Depersonalization Disorder

A. Persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, and as if one is an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body (e.g., feeling like one is in a dream).

B. During the depersonalization experience, reality testing remains intact.

C. The depersonalization causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The depersonalization experience does not occur exclusively during the course of another mental disorder, such as Schizophrenia, Panic Disorder, Acute Stress Disorder, or another Dissociative Disorder, and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., temporal lobe epilepsy).

here is the soon to be incoming standards for depersonalization that america will be using ...

The presence of persistent or recurrent depersonalization, derealization, or both:
depersonalization: Experiences of unreality, detachment, or being an outside observer with respect to one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, or actions(e.g., unreal or absent self, perceptual alterations, emotional and/or physical numbing, distorted sense of time)
derealization: Experiences of unreality or detachment with respect to surroundings (e.g., individuals or objects are experienced as unreal, dreamlike, foggy, lifeless, or visually distorted)
During the depersonalization and/or derealization experiences, reality testing remains intact.
The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
The disturbance is not attributable to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or another medical condition (e.g., seizures).
The disturbance is not better accounted for by another mental disorder, such as Schizophrenia, Panic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, or another Dissociative Disorder.

quoted from

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevision...n.aspx?rid=58#

here where I live and work losing touch with reality is called psychosis, a psychotic event. psychosis is when you have hallucinations, or you believe something that isnt real and cant possibly be real, or you think whats real isnt real like when Im having a psychotic event with my bipolar disorder I believe someone is watching me even though there is no one anywhere near me, I believe someone is calling my name when there is no one around to do that, and one time when my medication was causing me to have psychosis I believed the earth and everyone on it wasnt real, what was real was what I was seeing an alien world of monsters that I was seeing only in my mind, outside myself Im told I was catatonic (not moving, not participating, not talking, just appearing to stare, but I wasnt seeing anything other than what was in my mind) once I was detoxed off that meds and on the correct one I was back in touch with earth and all around me.