[SongBirdandDaisy]

I took a nap. A long nap. I wonder what the days are for, for people like me? It seems empty to do anything. Useless dribble to fill time. Meaning nothing to no one.

Once again I ponder the question of existence. Do we always have to accomplish something with each task that we under take? Should there always be significance to each action? I don't know. Seems like that is the point. Otherwise, why bother in an endless excercise of insignificance?

I'm finding it difficult to begin any idea that might surface. What would be the point, I ask.

Dissociating seems a way of life and has crossed over into everything. A might out of control. Dark drumming rain hitting me in the face saying "go back down into the dirt"

Anne

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((songbird&daisy))))))))))))) i understand. i often ponder the exact same thing. existence ending. today, tomorrow, what difference will it make if it is sooner rather than later. i hope you find answers and i wish you a calm and peaceful day.

Once again I ponder the question of existence.

I'm finding it difficult to begin any idea that might surface. What would be the point, I ask.

((((( Anne )))))

I hope you won't mind me sharing this.

I entered my story in Doc John's contest the night before it was closed for submissions. I'd thought about it when I first read his call out but decided it was too personal and people were sick of hearing my same sob story.

When I've doubted sharing my existence, my story, My T reminds me that "my words" will find their way to whoever needs to read them.

So I decided the night before final submissions, to write my words down. I emailed it to the Doc at 11:59 and submissions closed at midnight. I felt I had accomplished something.

Within a few days, some things happened here at PC that disturbed me. Tempers flared, feelings were hurt and I emailed the Doc and asked that he withdraw my story. Cuz what was the point of sharing my words? What was the point of being honest and open when trust was no where to be found.

My T and the Doc both said my story might help someone else who finds themselves with a similar situation, not feel so alone.

Or it might help a young girl who has no one to turn to, see that I lived through some rough stuff, and so can she.

I resubmitted it based on that thought process. That's what my days are for. Sharing my guts, so that I might heal and help others. (The support and thank you's I received through PM's was incredible.)

Your words are important Anne. You may not think so, but there is someone, somewhere, who is in the same place/pain you're in.

Someone, somewhere, right now, is reading about your struggles, your triumphs, your WORDS, Anne. Soon they may even see your drawings as you discover healing through your art.

Someone is thanking you silently for your courage in sharing your journey.

"Dark drumming rain hitting me in the face saying "go back out into the world. There is beauty to be found, even in the dirt."

That's what the days are for.

[allthegirls6]

sorta know how you feel but we cant be insignificant, it just cant be true. I think we all need to hold onto that.

[wanttoheal]

I know this was directed at songbird&daisy but all I can say is Wow!

[SongBirdandDaisy]

((((((((((((want to heal))))))))))))))

calm and peaceful day - what a wonderful thought. Thank you.

Anne

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Wow! Thanks Petunia. I do hear your words.

Anne

[SongBirdandDaisy]

(((((((((((((atg))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sure we aren't all insignificant. Sorry. I hope I didn't scare the littles.

When you hear that from the beginning of time, from the very moment of recollection, it's a hard concept to redefine. I am trying. But the rain keeps coming down.

Anne

[SongBirdandDaisy]

P.S. Petunia,

When I asked T about submitting my story, he said he did not recommend it at this time. I did anyway.

[January]

((((((((( Anne & all )))))))))))

I can't add anything better than what Petunia said, but I want you to know that I know that you and all of us here are important. I know it.

Hugs,

Jan

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Anne and all )))))))))))))))))

[LILITH]

{{{{{annie}}}}} I think we have all been it that dark damp place.......... I hear you...... Hang in there...Lilith

(((((anne))))

so sorry you are feeling down.

Sometimes we can just be. That in itself is sometimes enough. If you are alive, then that in itself is its own signifigance!

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Miss Jan,

I will take your word for it.

Anne

[SongBirdandDaisy]

((((((((((((((fuzzy))))))))))))))))

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Lilith,

I think you're right. It just seems like I've been here too many times. I know it will get better . . . . I just have to hang in there long enough.

Anne

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Rainbowzz,

I'm alive. I just don't know why.

Anne

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((Anne & all)))))))))))))))

I understand what you're saying and how hard it can be at times.

I look back at my journey in healing (so far) and see the times when I was most frustrated because it felt as if I was NOTHING, accomplishing nothing and moving nowhere...but those times were so important.

Even though obvious things weren't being accomplished, so much was...trusts being built, insiders need times of "nothingness" to feel ok to move forward a bit, etc. It might not be that "obviously" significant things are happening right now, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that significant happenings are taking place. Without the times of "unseen/unknown" significance, healing could not have happened for me.

I wish you peace with this right now...

KD

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Thank you Kitty,

I don't know where all of this is leading me, but I know I can't go back so I guess the only place to go is forward. It should be exciting, I know. Maybe next week I can see the excitement. Just now, sad, bad dark skies.

Thank you for the kind words. I will try and hold on.

Hugs,
Anne

[January]

((((((((((( Anne )))))))))))

You said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't know where all of this is leading me, but I know I can't go back so I guess the only place to go is forward.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is one of the wisest things I've ever read.

Many hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((Anne)))))))))

Staying in one place for me is so annoying. I want to just barrel on through come what may and "be done" so to speak. And at one point I did charge full steam ahean not paying attention to when I needed to stay put for a bit. the end result was my landing in a mental unit not for the 72 hour eval but beyond that to the full two weeks and then my unit psychiatrist told me that he was going to keep me another week possibly indefinately because the work I had been doing with my counselor outside the unit had stirred the pot of stew and when that happens the person needs time for those that I now remember to settle into my conscious awareness to where what my counselor and I were working on could resume and since I obviously was not going to give myself that time at home he was going to make sure I got that rest time on the unit.

Let me tell you a mental health unit is NOT where you you really want to be. during that "visit" I was restrained, medicated againt my permission and one night raped in the non smoking solarium by an orderly that had come to lock the solarium for the night.

Now I push myself to my limits but I also give myself the time I need to let things settle in. The time to let yourself settle in is when you are experiencing flashbacks beyond what you normally have, and so on because that is the brain performing the memory recall cycle doing what it needs to do to integrate new memories feelings and so on into your awareness. Then you need a bit of time to gain enegry, sleep and nutrician so that you have what you need to fight the next battle.

I recieved a new therapist 2 years ago. On purpose I kept my sessions very low keyed and at home working on things that would not stir the pot beyond what SKR and I had already been working on. This gave LL and I time to develop trust for each other and LL to learn the different aspects of my therapy program and what works for me.

If I hadn't taken the time that was needed I would would not be where I am today - medication free and not in some mental ward again and LL and I would not be where we are today - being a great therapy team, and getting into the harder stuff.

Hang in there ((((((((Anne)))))))) nothing happening on the outside is actually lots happening on the inside. while your life is calm your brain is doing the work neded to be done. Kind of like the brain integrates daily experiences when the person sleeps at night its doing its job of integrating the things you have recently been working on.

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Mis Jan

I guess you are saying I should take my own advice?

Things do look better today. I have to strike while the iron is hot
Hugs,
Anne

[SongBirdandDaisy]

((((((((((Myself))))))))))))))

I do need to allow myself patients. Thank you for sharing that experience. It must have been very difficult and more confusing for you.

I am learning more about emotions and where they come from and what to do with them. That seems to be the issue now.

Just like Bob - BABY STEPS

Anne

[January]

(((((((((( Anne )))))))))))))

I hope you are having a really good day.

Hugs,

Miss Jan