[Monty_girl]

Wish I could cry on the outside. Think I would just sit and cry all day if I could. I can feel it inside. Just crying in pain. But nothing is ever outside.

Lisa

[Rhapsody]

I am SORRY!!!! - ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ((((((( HUGS )))))))


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[January]

((((((((( Lisa ))))))))))

I'm so sorry you hurt.

Hugs,

Jan

[OneAndMany]

Hi Lisa,

I don't have any words of wisdom--I'm too new at all this still. But, I do hear you and wish it will get better. Isn't it odd how a person can feel something and feel nothing at the exact same time?

Elizabeth

(((((Lisa)))))
w_i

[hillbunnyb]

I'm not a big crier either, but, let one of my bunnies die............ I make up for lost time right quick.

[January]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Isn't it odd how a person can feel something and feel nothing at the exact same time?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Elizabeth,

You took my breath away. I didn't know anyone else in the world understood.

Thank you.

Jan

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
January said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Isn't it odd how a person can feel something and feel nothing at the exact same time?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Elizabeth,

You took my breath away. I didn't know anyone else in the world understood.

Thank you.

Jan

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

i thought i was the only one who experienced this.

[Monty_girl]

Thank You all for understanding.

That's really it. I can feel it hurting so much, But then not. Just like something that's unreachable. Then again if I reached for it and felt it. Would I know what to do with it?? I don't know how to cry really. I don't get angery, but only from inside. I never yell, I never cry, just feel it inside as I smile.

Then I have a hugh fear, Ok, if I cry, if I yell, will I lose control?? T say's it's from always seeing the extremes and never seeing someone express emotions in the healthy way. So I've never learned that. How do you learn? If I hurt or been angery, my reaction has always been to hurt myself. I don't cry on the outside normally. There have been times that I've cried, but that ends in hurting myself. So how do I do this????

Lisa

[hillbunnyb]

When I was a sweet young thing I realized I was numb. I was living in NYC at the time with roommates into acting. So, I thought to myself, hmmm, maybe if I take acting lessons I can learn how to have emotions.

I lasted 2 lessons and the presence of these "acted" emotions turned out to demand actual feeling (cause good acting is just replaying your own feelings in a new situation.......) and OH BABY I was NOT ready to go there. My ulcer blew th f up. I crumpled. I was not ready to feel. I could not push it intellectually. Back to the drawing board....... I was better off numb.

It has taken me most of my aging life to get present with my feelings. Finding a safe place to live was a huge part of the problem. Until I was safe on a very primal limbic level, there was no going into the depths...... "on guard" was my full time natural state.

The feeling that if I ever did break my shell and start feeling/crying, I would never stop. I was soooo backed up. That turned out to be a misconception on my part. It was the pressure of holding back that was huge. Once the tears found a hole in my armour, they were finite, I did stop. Drained, exhausted, glassy eyed, but, relieved.

When you are ready, it will come.

I worked so hard all my life (like most here) NOT to cry. No matter what.

My first T session consisted of me sitting in a chair, my hands and fingers grasping the arms and holding on for dear life saying over and over again "Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry."

As if tears signaled my weakness. As if tears declared defeat. As if tears were BAD.

Warriors don't cry. Warriors are strong. Warriors don't fall.

What a crock.

Like bunny, once the tears found a hole in my armor, I was FREE from the extra burden of trying to be strong. I never realized all the energy and angst I had invested in "trying to hold it together." That energy, once returned back to me, let's me laugh and play and feel.

I don't even know who or what I was trying to prove all that to. What I found in the end was that it took more strength for me to open up and cry than it did to hold it all in and I was a warrior either way I looked at it.

It was then and only then did the healing process begin.

[Evangelista]

(((Monty_Girl)))

Hope that with time...the ability to experience the painful emotions will strengthen and you are in my thoughts and prayers...TC

EV

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((monty))))))))))))
I so understand this. I am unable to cry. Tears sometimes well in the eyes but never fall. Like so many here, it's not so much that I don't want to or feel embarrassed to. I am incapable of it. I hear people sometimes talk about a healing cry and it mystifies me even though I want the elusive healing that goes along with it. Good luck to you monty.

[dreaming2fly]

((((((((((((((MG)))))))))))))) i so, so understand you on this.. i wish i felt safe enough or whatever it is enough to just let it all out.. and for it actually to come.. safest hugs to you if ok MG.. your in my thoughts..

Kat n all

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((( Lisa ))))))))))))))))))))

It will come...when it's time. I've cried more in the last two months triple of what I've cried over my entire life.

I so understand.

KD

[Monty_girl]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Doing a group hug today. ( physically hurt so can't write much )

When growing up we had to be strong and never show any kind of emotion. Good or bad emotions. So it's been turned off on the outside. Think that I'm getting more comfortable as I get older and feel safer. Still a youngin being only 33. I think that things well improve as time goes by. Just have to remember that.

Lisa

[Monty_girl]

I was reading around today and found a great site that I've been to before but had forgot about. One of the sections is called "Feeling is Healing". It really touched home with everything going on right now.

www.goessoftlyishere.com

It's under the DID section of the website. Reading today helps me look at feeling in the way it should be. As healing.

Lisa