Is this depersonalization? I really hate whatever this is.

Hi all,

I'm 23 years old and have been experiencing a whole range of weird neurological health problems since I was 14. I ignored them for about 7 years because I had localized excruciating pain in this one spot on my head combined with a bunch of neuro symptoms, so I was terrified of finding out I had a brain tumor and would have to have brain surgery. Then once it got so bad that I couldn't really ignore it anymore, I went to my GP, who told me it was all anxiety. Then I went to an internist who referred me to a neurologist who basically told me "You're too young for me to put you on any medication, so come back to me in 5 months if you still feel like you have a problem." I kept seeking other opinions, and now I've been to a whole bunch of doctors...2 GPs, 2 neurologists, a cardiologist, an eye doctor, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, and an internist. Everyone except the acupuncturist and chiropractor have told me there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. Well, my second neurologist said there's a spot that showed up on my MRI, but it's too small for him to think it's significant. For years, people have told me that I'm making it all up or that it's all just anxiety, and for years I told them that they wouldn't be saying that if they spent an hour in my body.

For the past about four weeks, though, I've had this weird feeling like none of it is or ever was real at all. I still have the symptoms, but I tell myself they're not really occurring. I don't really know how to describe it. For instance, I'm really sensitive to abrupt changes in lighting, so if I go from a really bright room to a dark room or vice versa, I start feeling nauseous and like I'm going to fall over. The other day, I went to the mall at night, and upon walking out of the brightly lit store, I started having a gagging attack because the abrupt change from the light store and the dark night made me feel sick. But even though I was standing there gagging and gasping for breath and almost throwing up, I felt like it wasn't really happening. Before that, inside of the mall, my balance issues were acting up, so I had to clutch onto the handrail of the escalator because I felt like, the second I let go, I would fall down the steps. Yet I just felt like it wasn't real even though it was occurring right before my eyes.
Then last night I got one of the really awful headaches I get, and even while I was sitting there with my head throbbing, I was sitting there thinking, "You don't really have a headache. Why do you keep making this stuff up?"

I recently went to a chiropractor who I had consulted with about a month ago. It's kind of a weird story. I had an MRI scheduled a few days after I consulted with him, so we decided to wait until the results of my MRI were in before he started any treatment on me. I never heard back on the MRI until several weeks later, though, because my neurologist went on vacation. When I had initially consulted with him, I relayed my whole symptom picture to him, and I never once had the thought "Oh, I'm just making all of this up" or "This isn't even real." But now when I went back to him, I was sitting there laying on the table thinking, "Why am I even here?I don't REALLY have these problems. Why can't I just stop making stuff up and move on with my life? I know I don't feel good, but maybe this is normal and I for some reason lied to myself that it isn't."

I don't know how else to describe it. I just know I want it all to stop. A little while after that chiropractor visit, I called up and canceled the next appointment I had made with him and resolved to just quit going to doctors all together. I feel guilty now when I go because I feel like I"m lying to them since I feel like all of my symptoms aren't real, and I feel like, if there's nothing apparently wrong with me, I'm just wasting money.

I'm so confused. I'm just overwhelmed with this feeling like none of the symptoms I've had for years ever occurred...none of the doctors visits...it's all just been one giant dream that never happened to me. But then I get hit with a symptom, or I come across a blog entry I wrote on a day I was feeling really sick, and I'm thinking, "How do I explain all of this if none of it ever happened?"

I don't know how to describe it. It's very confusing. I want to go back to being convinced I'm dying of something like a brain tumor or that I inherited my mom's neurofibromatosis, and that's why I have so many neurological problems. At least I didn't feel crazy then.

It does not sound like what I have experienced as depersonalization.

Perhaps it is a somatoform disorder, such as conversion disorder?

Im sorry but we cant tell you whether your symptoms are depersonalization. only you and your treatment providers can say whether your symptoms are depersonalization. this is because many symptoms cross over into many different diagnosis's example sometimes I feel numb. sometimes my treatment providers call it normal, other times they call it a MS symptom, sometimes they call it derealization, depersonalization, sleep deprivation... gosh I cant keep track of all the different things my treatment providers called in when I had the same symptoms as what you have posted.it all just depends upon things like other accompanying symptoms, medications, stressors, my physical health, and other events in my life,I just take it one problem at a time and my treatment providers do the same by diagnosing my symptoms as they come.

my suggestion contact a treatment provider in your off line location. they will be able to tell you if your problems are depersonalization or not based on what it is called in your location, your individual symptoms and other issues that may be going on in your body and your environment..and other accompanying symptoms.

You need to have a complete physical work up that includes a range of blood work. If nothing shows up you should find a good psychologist to speak with. Also a good psychiatrist for medication should you need them. If you don't have a medical plan there should be low cost mental health services offered in your community as well as health centers that charge on a sliding scale. Stress can do a lot of strange things to the body. Feel better.