[Sterella]

I just started going to a new T (because I moved) and she started looking at me funny after I was talking for a while with her. She sat there for a minute and then said "Do you know if you dissociate?" Of course, I had no idea at the time what that was...until she said "Multiple Personality Disorder". I got a little freaked out, (not that anything is wrong with anyone who has it, its just at the time I was very emotional and nerve-wracked). She started asking me all kinds of questions about it, made me really nervous.

So now I just wanted to ask, what is dissociating like? (explanations from wikis only do so much). How on earth could I know if I'm doing it (if I am), and do you really think a first time visit is enough time for her to make that assumption?

I just want to get some solid answers from anyone who has any experience with this. And I certainly want to be sure I'm not over-thinking things.

[innocentjoy]

There are a lot of different levels to dissociation. They range anywhere from spacing out and not focusing on what you're doing, to dissociative disorders (DID, or multiple personality disorder being one). Did she explain why she might think so right away? Usually this is something that people are a little more cautious about bringing up with patients, so it interests me as to why she was certain so soon after talking to you.

I was talking to my counselor on Friday, asking her why she first suspected that I had alters, and she explained that I would switch topics while talking to her, my body language would change, posture, voice, facial expressions, etc depending on what was going on.

Things that haave come back to me that 'fit' are comments over my life about how I act "completely different' around certain people, like I'm a totally different person. people had mentioned that sometimes I get so silly/upset/energetic/etc that it's like I'm not really me anymore.

many people notice that they lose time, or can't seem to remember blocks of time, or important events, often consistently. They might 'come to' and realize they are somewhere else than they expected, they may find receipts in their bags for things they dont' remember, new items in their house they don't remember buying, extra mileage put on their car they don't remember driving. People they don't seem to know happen to know a lot about them, or people call them by another name. These are all suggestions of lost time.

For me, I don't lose time, but I do switch depending on who's in charge of my body. I've learned the differences between each part, and their emotions/reactions/body language are all distinct from each other. I don't just randomly switch, there are specific parts that come out consistently. I used to get so confused that sometimes I could do x,y or z really well, and other times I couldn't. it would just come and go. Or i'd like certain things, people or activities at certain times but not others. These were all signs that while I wasn't losing time, I was still switching.

A lot of people describe other levels of dissociation where they look in the mirror and don't recognize themselves, or things they know are familiar don't 'feel' familiar. They will feel distanced from things or people around them, or even from themselves. they may not be able to focus on what's going on around them, or may be able to communicate but it feels like it's coming from a really long way away. It just feels weird, different, or absurd, compared to what they're used to.

These are all different levels of dissociation. I find a lot of people, professionals included, use it to mean different things. Some very specific (ie switching alters) and some more general. If you are concerned the best thing you could do is write out all your concerns, and as many questions as you can think of and bring them back to her next time.

I remember being so confused when my providers brought it up, and they did so in a fairly gentle way, starting with mentioning that I sound different, and leaving it at that, then talking about those differences a little more in depth each time. Even then it was overwhelming. I can imagine it would be scary to not know what it all means for you, and to have someone new telling you all of this. At the same time, for me, when I started looking into the symptoms, I realized that while it was overwhelming, it was the only explanation ever given to me that made sense, and just fit.

Good luck with figuring it all out. Try not to over think things. When they come up, write them down, keep a list somehwere and bring it in to your next session. It could end up being true, it could end up not being true. Only time, and work with your t, will really bring about any answers.
Keep us posted,
IJ

[Sterella]

Thank you, innocentjoy. I will be sure to write down my questions, and organize my concerns for her.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Sterella

So now I just wanted to ask, what is dissociating like? (explanations from wikis only do so much). How on earth could I know if I'm doing it (if I am), and do you really think a first time visit is enough time for her to make that assumption?

I just want to get some solid answers from anyone who has any experience with this. And I certainly want to be sure I'm not over-thinking things.

Im sorry but there is no real solid answers. you see everyone dissociates in their own ways......

for some dissociation is daydreaming
for some dissociation is not remembering how you get from point A to point B
for some dissociating is feeling foggy minded
for some dissociating is feeling numb
for some dissociating is not remembering conversations
for some dissociating is not remembering important events
for some dissociating is spacing out
for some.....

you get the idea... dissociating is one of those things that there is no right and wrong way.

the same with what causes a person to dissociate. there is no one right or wrong cause for dissociation.

with in me dissociation is all of the above. with in my wife its just feeling a bit hung over type feelings. with in someone else I know its all of the above and more.

to find out what dissociation is in you, you will need to continue to work with your treatment provider. they will tell you what dissociation is in your location and what they have noticed in you for dissociative symptoms/problem areas.

[Sterella]

This post is going to sound really strange, but I don't get to see my T for about 2 weeks and this thought is weighing on me heavily.

I've never told anyone about this, but I have a habit of personifying emotions (or at least I'm pretty sure what this is. I have a terrible time discerning my emotions). Anyways, a couple of years ago, during an extremely depressive episode, I picked up a marker and drew.

I had given up drawing a long time ago because I found no enjoyment in it anymore, but for some reason I began to draw when I was sad. Later I would look over them and feel a little confused about why I would choose to draw such things. They at first featured a purple figure (sort of looks like a shadow, only purple. It has no details, just color) and some sort of situation. I assumed the purple figure was me, for it had red scars on its arms and legs where I had inflicted self-harm.

But I began to draw a blue figure interacting with the purple figure as well, usually it was a drag on the purple one, crying over its shoulder, weighing it down, keeping it from talking to other figures (that were orange in color).
Pretty soon, another figure appeared as well, a red one. This one would hurt the purple one, and seemed to have scars in the same places that the purple one did, and often would be portrayed cutting the purple one.

I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I have been dissociating this whole time, and I just didn't know about it, or maybe this is just a subconscious outlet for my feelings. It just seems so weird though, how realistic and different the figures seem. It is a little disturbing just looking at the pictures, because I don't understand where on earth I would have gotten the idea to make them.

[innocentjoy]

Emotion recognition can be really difficult, especially if your experience of emotions early on were interrupted or messed up because of childhood trauma. I often find I dont' understand how or especially why I feel a certain way.

If you notice that these drawings are speaking to you, then they could definitely be a way for your subconcious to be communicating with you. Only you will be able to understand how/why you are affected by these drawings. Aside from dissociation, everyone has different ego states. Frued and Carl Jung are two of the biggest names when it comes to ego states. These are just different aspects of your personality, that take on different roles. With dissociation, a lot of people believe that it is just an extreme form of ego states separating themselves more distinctly within your mind. So I wouldn't necessarily put a ton of emphasis on who these figures are, and what that means, but keep drawing and see where it leads. You could take a mindful approach to the drawings and try and detach yourself emotionally while still focusing on the drawings and what they mean. (if any of these terms are confusing, google search them, and you cna learn a lot more about them).

One thing my counselors suggest is using my less dominant hand (for me my right hand because I'm left handed) to draw when I want to let my alters have a little more control. Apparently this gives my subconscious brain a little more control over the writing/drawing than it would have using my dominant hand.

Good for you for allowing these drawings to keep going, it may be a great way for you to communicate more with yourself.

With me, the way my system is set up (everyone's is different) I would think that the different figures were aspects of myself. The blue would be those parts that are feeling low, and needing more emotional support than I necessarily can offer at that time. The red would be my alter who takes on the role of the abusers in my life, and decides when I need to self harm, be punished etc. It is scary for me to learn about these parts, but since I have learned about them (especially the self-punisher) I have learned to control those urges and decide that I don't want to follow his advice to hurt myself.

For you, try and focus on what it means to you, and perhaps the knowledge will help you before you see your t again. If not, bring the issues in to your session and your t can help you make sense of it and take more control of you back.

I hope some of this makes sense, I'm feeling a bit off at the moment, but wanted to respond.
xoxo
IJ

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Sterella

This post is going to sound really strange, but I don't get to see my T for about 2 weeks and this thought is weighing on me heavily.

I've never told anyone about this, but I have a habit of personifying emotions (or at least I'm pretty sure what this is. I have a terrible time discerning my emotions). Anyways, a couple of years ago, during an extremely depressive episode, I picked up a marker and drew.

I had given up drawing a long time ago because I found no enjoyment in it anymore, but for some reason I began to draw when I was sad. Later I would look over them and feel a little confused about why I would choose to draw such things. They at first featured a purple figure (sort of looks like a shadow, only purple. It has no details, just color) and some sort of situation. I assumed the purple figure was me, for it had red scars on its arms and legs where I had inflicted self-harm.

But I began to draw a blue figure interacting with the purple figure as well, usually it was a drag on the purple one, crying over its shoulder, weighing it down, keeping it from talking to other figures (that were orange in color).
Pretty soon, another figure appeared as well, a red one. This one would hurt the purple one, and seemed to have scars in the same places that the purple one did, and often would be portrayed cutting the purple one.

I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I have been dissociating this whole time, and I just didn't know about it, or maybe this is just a subconscious outlet for my feelings. It just seems so weird though, how realistic and different the figures seem. It is a little disturbing just looking at the pictures, because I don't understand where on earth I would have gotten the idea to make them.

this is so interesting thanks for sharing... only you know whether this drawing what you were feeling and personifying your emotions is you dissociating.

what I can tell you is that in America doing this is not dissociating. its actually a therapy technique. which is why I said this is so interesting.....just last week when I could not verbalize what I was feeling my therapist pulled out crayons, markers and drawing paper, had me close my eyes and imagine what my feelings would look like and then open my eyes and draw my feelings. I drew a small generic gray figure with all kinds, shapes, colored figures all around me and hanging over me. my therapist who does interpreting artwork type therapy asked me when I was done ok which one is you.. I pointed to the grey person. she said no wonder you cant tell me what you are feeling. you colored yourself gray, not black not white not red green yellow. not a warm color not an angry color just a nice neutral gray. All your feelings are floating around waiting for you to notice they are there and invite them in. then she asked me questions like pointing to the black one and asked me what that one was representing, the same with the other colors I had chosen.

you see drawings are subjective. by that I mean they can mean anything and everything. drawing a figure and other figures around it doesnt necessarily mean the person drawing is dissociating, has alters and is feeling what one person thinks is angry or other person thinks that color is warmth. for me my therapist knows grays are not negative for me. those colors actually represent calmness, coolness, she knows my using black means victory, I have succeeded in something, she knows my usage of reds for me symbolizes faith and beauty, .....

my point is each person has their own meaning of what colors, shapes, person objects, drawing mean for them. only you and your therapist know how and why you drew the way you did.