[innocentjoy]

I have a friend who has had a very hard time with the idea that I dont' have Borderline personality disorder, which was diagnosed last summer, but that I have a dissociative disorder.
She has been a very good online source of support for me, but lately whenever I talk about it, she will remind me that she "worries" about me, the diagnosis, how I will be treated, etc. She hasn't come out and told me that she doesn't believe me herself, but has mentioned many times that any professional she has spoken with doesn't believe DID, or similar disorders exist.
I realize that is many people's opinions, and I'm not interested in starting a debate about it. What hurts is that she won't say how she herself believes, but is very clear that the diagnosis upsets her.
I wrote an email back to her, explaining what it means to me, my symptoms, etc. I also asked at the end if there was a reason other than simply being worried about how others will treat me, that this makes her uncomfortable. Basically I mentioned that I hoped it didn't trigger her because it is related to truama that I have been through, something she has been triggered by before (related to her past, not mine).
I just wish people could tell you how they feel, instead of always quoting other people. I don't care how other treatment providers you've seen view Diss. Disorders, I care about how you, as my friend, feel. I want to know whether I can expect support, or whether it is not going to come. I've never met her treatment providers, and never will, so it doesn't matter to me. Plus I can stick up for myself when I need to.
I am waiting to here back from her, to see what her reaction is before I decide, but it makes me sad.
Has anyone else had issues with "well-meaning" friends/family? How do you deal with it? Especially when people tell you they worry about you...and not in a way that is positive support, in a way that feels much more negative.

[-jimi-]

It sounds like she believe she knows you better than anyone and she has decided you don't have dissociation. Or she has decided you don't have it because it doesn't exist. It would make me feel hurt as well. Especially if it was wrapped up in cowardly behavior.

This is very far fetched but maybe she has a phobia of her maybe having dissociation too? Maybe she is fearful.

I hope you guys can talk this out and still be good friends. Sometimes friendship is hard. The other day when I had a bit of a stress related breakdown my friend wouldn't comfort me at first because she didn't accept the stressor. She said it doesn't stress people. Well it stressed me into severe fatigue. It does hurt when you're not heard or understood.

[shortandcute]

That must be so frustrating. I've had people telling me things like I just don't have enough confidence in myself, I just don't get out enough, etc., (which both are true, but they are RESULTS of my illness-not the reasons for it). It's embarrassing too, because I don't WANT to be sick, but I feel like I have to yell at people and say that I AM!

jimi, I understand what you mean about the phobia part. I think something similar is going on with my sister. She swears up and down that schizophrenia does NOT exist, and if you do have it, you are either lying about it, or demon possessed. Well, her oldest son has it, and I've always got the feeling that she thinks that if she admits it, she may have to question herself. She's always talking about what a liar he is, he's milking the system, he's just disobediant to God, etc. She's also one of the ones that preaches to me about just having more self confidence; she and her husband were my legal guardians for a couple of years, and to this day, she swears up and down that my only problem was that I was "rebellious," and they still insist they did nothing wrong while I was living with them.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

That must be so frustrating. I've had people telling me things like I just don't have enough confidence in myself, I just don't get out enough, etc., (which both are true, but they are RESULTS of my illness-not the reasons for it).

Isn't it just fun when people suggests a healthy state as a CURE for issues?....... Grr. Like if you have depressed thoughts, think happy thoughts. If you are panicky, calm down. If you have no energy, start have energy and do things. Even had a nurse telling me that my sleep issues would go away if I started to sleep normally.

Like yea, thanks...

[innocentjoy]

Yes, that's it! The phobia. I couldn't find the words to say it, but I really think she may have a phobia with it. It's like because she has empathized with me in the past, she may have to admit to x, y and z about herself. Sadly, it is causing issues.
She wrote back another long email about how she understands the process of dissociation, she just wants to "make sure" that my dr is not putting false memories or ideas in my head. And I go out of my way to NOT prove myself to other people. If she wants to believe me, what I've already told her will be enough. If she doesn't want to, nothing will ever be enough.
What I would like to say is that she either accept me as I am (ie where I am and what I identify with), or at least stop bringing that up all the time, or we go our merry ways. She keeps hinting that unless I know for sure I was 'definitely' abused, I cannot say I have been traumatized. (this is another sensitive spot with her, the proof of abuse).
I just wish I could think of something nice, yet firm to explain to her that her negative opinions are putting holes in my relationship with her, without blaming, sounding unkind, or offending her.

Anyways, thanks for the input

As far as people thinking we're making up the mental illness, it makes me sad. I wish people could just admit that they don't know everything about other people, and accept people where they are, instead of where they think the person 'should' be.

[innocentjoy]

Originally Posted by jimi...

Isn't it just fun when people suggests a healthy state as a CURE for issues?....... Grr. Like if you have depressed thoughts, think happy thoughts. If you are panicky, calm down. If you have no energy, start have energy and do things. Even had a nurse telling me that my sleep issues would go away if I started to sleep normally.

Like yea, thanks...

Sometimes I will feel a tad sarcastic and reply with (fake) sincerity: Wow, thank you! I never thought of it that way, my problems are completely fixed. Here I've been thinking that panic gets better by trying to work myself into a state of panic.

Usually when I answer that way it takes them a minute to realize I'm being sarcastic, and then they have no idea what to say afterward. So silly.

My brother told me a few weeks ago that at some point I need to take my memories of abuse and just put them in a box away in my mind and forget about them. My answer was, "oh you mean like I'd done for 25 years already. Great idea, it worked Sooo well in the past". He got the point, I think.