[innocentjoy]

I had a rough night last night, had a new memory come up, which led to my youngest, Maya, feeling really terrible. It was her memory, and she was afraid she would get in trouble for telling someone, even after all these years. It took a lot of work before I could settle down, but eventually I was able to sleep.

I went in to see my case worker this morning, who helped me feel a little stronger, and then went to a craft group at an agency I go to. The craft today was making posters for a walk they are holding this year, Take back the Night. I was a little out of it, and slowly started dissociating more and more. Eventually I spoke to the counselor running the group and she tried to ground me. Maya was really upset and kept getting stronger until she took over. Normally I try not to switch in front of other people so obviously, but I couldn't do it this time. She talked to Maya, and was respectful, kind, and spoke at her level, like you would a "real" child. Eventually I came back out and was able to calm down.

I talked to the counselor after and told her I was embarrassed, and she said not to worry, it was her job, etc. Except really what I wanted to ask her was what just happened? I mean, I think I remember most of what happened, but I was so out of it... It was a bit of a relief, but mostly just scary and embarrassing to switch. My case worker told me over the phone afterward that there isn't a way I can stop this process from happening until the healing process is worked through, and that it would help if I could accept things this way. Not in a mean way, but in a reality check way, there's no easy answer kind of thing.

Does anyone have any encouragement or support they could share? I'm feeling very much alone at the moment...

[pegasus]

Hello innocentjoy,

I do understand and I have had that happen and yes I've felt embarrassed about it and then worried that who ever came out had said or done something really wrong. It felt awful and not knowing if anything happened that I didn't know about during that time... But peole reassured me that whoever came out had done nothing wrong whatsoever. I have got to a point now that I can trust - ish the other parts that do come out from time to time. They didn't do anything wrong a long time ago and so they aren't doing anything wrong now either...

I hope this helps.

[innocentjoy]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello innocentjoy,

I do understand and I have had that happen and yes I've felt embarrassed about it and then worried that who ever came out had said or done something really wrong. It felt awful and not knowing if anything happened that I didn't know about during that time... But peole reassured me that whoever came out had done nothing wrong whatsoever. I have got to a point now that I can trust - ish the other parts that do come out from time to time. They didn't do anything wrong a long time ago and so they aren't doing anything wrong now either...

I hope this helps.

Thanks, it does help a bit. I'm not so worried about the others doing anything wrong, or bad, necessarily. I'm worried about how others react to them. I'm afraid other people will be upset with them, and make it even worse for them. Obviously that didn't happen this last time, but I'm feeling unsafe about it. Plus, with it happening so obviously in front of someone I only slightly know, I'm now aware of the possibility of switching in front of people who are definitely not safe (such as my family dr, who tends to make it obvious that she believes I'm just being over dramatic, etc).
It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this, though.