Integration

Myself; Did you receive my message about Integration? Would like to hear your thoughts on it. Thanks, -everybody

yes I did. I am trying to locate an article in a post that someone posted here that explains in less words then I would probably do to explain integration. but since I can't cant locate it and what would be my reply may help others too here you go.-

My views and many of those professionals that I have had contact with and what is the bulk of the post I was trying to locate is that integration isn't the end result. that it happensright from the beginning and is just a foot long word for remembering what happened to you while remaining aware.

Now in my words The first time you have a flashback and can remember what is in that flashback is a person experiencing integration. a person who is sitting with their therapist and the therapist is helping them to stay grounded and tell them what they are remembering is doing the integration process. a person who is journaling and or drawing and is doing this while remaining aware of the present and writing and or drawing about what they are remembering of what they experienced in the past is doing the integration process. extablishing communication (Listening to the voices and doing what needs to be done to take care of myself for example haring a voice in my head saying the words "I'm cold" and going and getting a sweater, jacket or blanket and wrapping up in it) is doing the integration process.

Some people can live happily knowing they have voices and ignoring those voices for the most part and going on with their lives the way they are - losing time and so on and doing the minimum communication of occasionally listening in, drawing writing and so on and doing what will make those voices stop and occasionally use grounding techniques and so on so that they can have some sort of desired funtionality. and they do great.

But for alot of people like me doing integration (remembering while aware) is not a choice if I want my life to be better I had and have no choice but to remnember while aware what happened to me, learn and do coping skills like grounding and relaxation so that those memorys no longer trigger me into dissociating (daydreaming myself out of my problems).

The professionals recognize that movies with over dramatized and fictionalized for ratings such as the integration scenes in Sybil and The Three Faces of Eve scare suvivors with DID so instead of using the words "ok we are going to do integration work today" they pretty much say you know what we are not going to worry about integration you can decide if you want to do that later on down the road. and then they use wording like "lets get all the parts working together. The way we do this is through communication and sharing information, I want you to start keeping a journal and when you are dissociated see if you can write in that journal or other journals, start writing notes to your other parts of yourself and see if you get answers back."

What this activity really is doing is facilitating integration - the person remembering things when aware, without using that foot long word that scares the client.

When dissociated if the person had kept a dairy at that age that the memory had been separated they will be writing about things that happened to them then. Things in that memory. the person when aware reads that journal entry they wrote when not aware, they go through the denial and acceptance phases of pieces of that memory. When they have accepted that that piece of memory is there the whole memory starts coming through to them when they are fully aware by way of flashbacks and nightmares. When through the flashbacks nightmares, journaling and artwork and so on they have the whole picture of that memory and can think of it like a normal memory not by being triggered first the memory is considered fully integrated.

I was working on the integration process for two years before I said to SKR - You remember when you said I could decide later if I wanted to integrate? She said yes and I said Ok lets do it but one question how do I integrate a voice that I no longer hear? It seems like every time I remember the details of something that voice goes away and I don't switch into that one anymore.

She laughed and said - I'm going to tell you a secret of the therapy world - Integration is just remembering what happened to you. nothing dies or goes away like you thought does it you can still remember you had that alter and what that alter did and stuff but what was that alter is back to being you because it was just a part the memory of you doing something. But now that memory is where you can think about it like normal so you don't switch anymore into that one. L laughed at her and told her she was sneaky getting past my hate for that integration word by not using it.

you can find out more information about integration and my experience with it in my blog. To geth there -

click on blogs at the top of the page
click on the words on the left saying - get your own
then click on my recent entry. Last nights entry was Art Therapy Projects part 2.

Once in my blog click on the letter head - Me, Myself and I
then on the right you will see a blue link called - Blog index click on that. All my blog entries are listed in there. Use what can help you and pass on what doesn't fit you. and take your time some entries are graphic.

Thanks again. I think I understand. So integration just means remebering without switching. you will have al the parts undr control.?

Ok yea - great blog. That should give me plenty of reading for a while. Sorry to read you have had problems with others putting you down. I can tell already from the amount of research and time you have put into your own recovery and your desire to help others that you are just doing the best you can to be of assistance to others with what you have learned.This should be respected.
Just don't burn yourself out trying to do too much. Thanks for your help. -everybody

Don't worry. I won't burn myself out. I take many breaks in my therapy program and research so that doesn't happen. hang in there.

Myself

While I appreciate the fact that you have done much research and therapy in your own life,
it seems that in your quest for “telling the truth about DID” sensitivity and regard for others who may not be in a place for hearing “your truth” has been laid aside. The blunt and lack of feeling way things are stated, along with the “this is the right way---the only way” attitude of your posts has caused severe anxiety in my system.

Your post on integration has upset a delicate balance of trust and faith in our T and in a professional friend who has worked with DID for over 40 + yrs. (who disagrees with a lot of what you say). The statement that upset us is the following:

When talking about integration, without using the word Professionals say “….we are not going to worry about integration you can decide if you want to do that later on down the road. and then they use wording like "lets get all the parts working together. The way we do this is through communication and sharing information, I want you to start keeping a journal and when you are dissociated see if you can write in that journal or other journals, start writing notes to your other parts of yourself and see if you get answers back."

This statement, which are things my T has said to me, imply that I am being “tricked, lied to and having something going on that is underhanded and not upfront.” Perhaps for you this was not upsetting, but it is to me.

Curiosity had caused me to read your post on integration---I do regret that. Now I have to deal with the consequences of that curiosity.

White_Iris

I hit the "quick reply". This is something I wanted to state here in this thread, but not to one individual...

One thing I've learned over these MANY years online talking with DID'ers is this:

All DID is different. Yes, there are the basic causes, the basic ages for it to have began, the basic manifestations of the disorder, etc. However, after that I believe that DID is an individual experience (due to the individual's mind and "escapes" used); as individual as the body's DNA, including the systems and forms of healing. Even the term integration means different things to DID'ers and even to therapists.

Just because my experience, and even healing, looks different from anyone else's, doesn't mean it's not my experience, my truth, eventually showing me my individual need. My healing (so far) jumped up and grabbed me when least expected and not in the ways I expected; certainly different from what I'd read and heard...changing the meaning of healing for me. That's OK!!!

Let's all please remember that we're all brought together by a common thread. However, from there we've created our own individual, unique, and even beautiful, tapestries. We are extraordinary and amazing. Though we're each similar in that we've created these beautiful "tapestries" beginning with the thread doled out to us, they're totally different tapestries. My tapestry doesn't look like your tapestry and that's OK!

Let's hang on to the fact that we're all survivors no matter how we survived, that we survived differently and continue to survive differently in some ways. Let's remember that our healings are an individual process based on our pasts, our current needs, and our unique (to us) goals.

Respect to all.

KD

KD--I appreciate your post. I love the tapestry image. Mine feels like it's full of holes right now, but I'm sure they will fill in, OR the holes may make a pattern in and of itself??

Yep, sweetie, imagine a tapestry where at the center there is a intricately woven beautiful lace design. Lace isn't lace without the "holes".

KD

White iris -

there was a time when you were telling me that everything I was saying was 100% what you went through. and asked for my information and told me you were taking my information to your therapist and it has helped you alot. I will gladly reviel where you can find those posts and those pms to me and related to my information if you like for I never delete any pms and emails to me and I still have a copy of all my posts that I place on the public boards and in my blog.

I am sorry if now a year later you are upset by the same information that you agreed with and wanted and asked my help on understanding and that at the time you were telling me that your therapist agreed with.

If I triggered you and your therapy process I am sorry but I have not changed my posting stlye and information during the whole time I have been here as anyone that wants to review any of my posts and threads will see.

So may I suggest that maybe since at one time you and your therapist agreed with me one hundred percent that you may be experiencing some other deeper problems associated with that core personality that you asked information about and then posted that you found about a year ago. if this is so then please contact your therapist. she can help you.

I am not saying a therapist tricked anybody. I am saying a therapist gears each persons therapy sessions accoding to the terminology that each individual client understands and can work with.

I also in no way tell people that my way is the only way. in fact many times I have stated on the boards and in pms and in emails and in my blog that I don't expect anyone to agree with me. My information is for those that ask for it, want it, need it and are ready for it. and many times I tell people if what I am posting about does not fit you then take waht does from my posts and move on because there are people that do ask for my information, want my information, need my information and like you at some point agree with my infomation.

I am not going to stop posting my personal experiences and personal research and so on because that would limit those that ask for my information in not getting the information that they want, ask and need.

Since my posts seen to trigger you you do have an option here at psych central that allows you not to be triggered. each person here must take care of themselves first and theat includes controling their own on line experience here at psych central. you have known for over a year what my information is and what my posts contain so there is no reason to subject yourself to my posts if you already know what information that I have to offer is. so you have the ignore button and you have your therapist who you have told me you have taken my information to and it has helped both her and you to understand. Since she knows what information you are getting from me she can help you over this trigger that suddenly is appearing after knowing my information and so on for this long of a time.

and again in no way do I say my way is the only way and that I expect others to agree with me. I have a right to post my experiences and knowlege just like anyone else. and you have the right to use the ignore button with any and all of my posts so that you will no longer be triggered by my information that you a year ago agreed with 100% since it is now triggering you.

Take care.

Thanks (((((((((Kimmy))))))))

And I repeat like I have in many posts, pms, emails and many times on my blog -

My posts, blog entries and pms are from MY experiences with having DID, MY therapy for DID, and my going on 6 years of research on DID.

If what I am posting, blogging and pming does not fit a person then they are free to take what does fit and pass on what doesnt.

I have been here at Psych Central since 2004 and am not posting anything new that I haven't posted many times before.

So a majority of the people here at Psych Central already know my DID information and experiences. And I always inform the new people of my information and that it is my personal experiences and that I in no way expect everyone to agree with me and to take what they can use and pass on what they cant.

I have also repeated many times as have the administrators and moderators -

If my information triggers anyone this site has a feature called the IGNORE button that you can turn on simply by clicking on my name and then scrolling down to the bottom and clicking on - ignore this user.

That way you will not have to read about my experiences with having DID, my going on 6 years of research for DID and my therapy for DID.

If you are triggered by my posts and choose not to use the tools offered at Psych Central then your being triggered is your own responsibility and fault. not mine.

especially and more so for those that have been here as long as I have, and knowing what my threads and posts are and still choose to subject themselves to their known triggers of reading my posts instead of turning on the ignore button.

Nice kimmy . Nice. Thankyou. Your healing is manifest in your words.-evrybdy

myself--please DO check out your PMs from me and posts----i save all mine also. Once I asked for information PM. I didn't say anything about my T and I agreeing with you. The info clarified a couple of things and that was on a specific topic. We have been triggered by your posts since last yr. (do check 4/8/05) I do put you on ignore, but someone takes you off.....go figure.

few to lots depending on your point of view of copied pms on the way to you.

This seems that a private issue is now coming out onto the public forum. Please go to PM with private issues as opposed to bringing them into a member's thread, and taking focus away from the author's initial post.

I appreciate it.

KD

already done kimmy thats why I posted pms on the way to her so t hat she would know I was taking it to pm not here on the boards. Thanks for the reminder though (((((Kimmy))))))

Everybody,

I know you asked myself specifically the question. I do have some thoughts on what can be considered integration.

I never, ever could find a specific, agreed up by the professionals meaning for that word. I still don't use it because I think it means a few different things to different professionals and clients, so if I were to use it some might think I mean one thing when I mean the other. I choose to use the word "healing" in whatever form that takes.

For some, healing is awareness of all (even though still separate), with recall, and no time loss and working together for the benefit of the whole.

For some others, it's having no separate parts with complete recall and functioning as a whole with no sense of separateness.

For still some others, healing is simply accepting what is and moving forward with what they have.

I think it's a very personal decision for the DID'er and any decision made has to be based on what feels OK for the whole.

Good luck hon!

KD

((((Kimmy))))

"For still some others, healing is simply accepting what is and moving forward with what they have."

We are working hard to heal, I did not know what the experience would be like or feel like, human beings are different, amazing, and scarey, and on and on and on, that doesn't change just because we have DID, albiet it makes the interactions with externals much more challenging, but after going thru this integration process with an alter in which I was able to transform the energy from the release of her pain, and actually allowing myself to share it, take ownership of the fluid part of her existence and integrate the expereince into our conscious recall, it was so very cathargic.

It's like reaching for the candle's flame, instinctivly thinking that it would burn me if I touched it, but because someone else was there with me, trusting that he could bare the pain if I could not gave me the ability and courage I needed to reach into the fire and though it initially burned red hot, as the memory was experienced at all levels and converged, in the end, we danced in the same fire I thought would consume us...and we healed..she is not in a dark lonely place anymore..actually there is no where she goes that she will ever feel that alone again...and that is what our integration of her was like..she is not gone, but now she is here and not there..and now she chooses to be in a meadow picking flowers..perfectly content, at peace, and able to finally live in a new light that dosent consume but nurishes her to grow, I have a feeling someday she will outgrow the meadow and move on, but everypart of me believes she will be okay with that..somehow I just know...

Again, this was just my way of healing, not very technical sounding, with all the professional nomenclature and formulas, but then it is what it is for us, every alter will be different in the way it occurs, the aspects of the traumatic world they live in is different..people are different..different is different in that much we are the same...maybe why we put up with each other..and just except...

Gentle hugs to all...take care..



Eva...

Thanks for your insights kimmy.

Another thing I was wondering about: I understand how a child will dissociate during the trauma in order to cope with it - and then the child is left with DID. Where is the connection as an adult with the different parts?

For, example - My real name is Bob - and I have a part that we call Java Bob or Starbucks Bob - he likes the cafe's and looking at the artwork , etc Now as a child I know I didn't dissociate and go daydreaming about being in coffe shops looking at art work - so what is the connection btween me having these parts and the original dissociation that I did ? Or is that the illness?- whenever I pick up a new hobby or interest I create another person ?- that my brain can't be one with everything ,it has to keep everything separte entities? Your thoughts please.-eveybdy

Once a child learns to dissociate to the point of developing DID, that wonderfully creative mind will continue to do so as deemed necessary. It becomes instinctual, and we have little awareness or control over that without help.

A DID'er can, and usually does, continue to develop parts as needed as life goes on into adulthood. Those adult parts can be just as developed as the original parts...specific likes, interests, capabilities, etc.

I hope that helps a bit.

KD

OK I didn't know that. That seems to make sense. Thanks.

children when they dissociate they don't consciously think ok Im going to daydream now. they think of things that are pleasent to them anything that will fix it so that they cant mentally experience what is physically going on. they do this by what they have contact with. at the time. When I daydreamed about la la land I didn't say ok Im daydreaming now. I though I see that cloud up there I wish I could be floating on it. I didn't know until 5 years ago that la la land was a mental day dream. Up until then all I knew was that I could float with the clouds.

The word Java has been a word used to discribe coffee since the 17th centruy (1800's) so at some poin tyou probably had heard someone say that word with a cup of coffee or asking for a cup of coffee in a restraunt. Coffee has been a part of restraunts and cafes since at least world war 2 because there are film where there are people sitting in cafe's, coffee shops, malt shop restraunts since that time frame so again you may have gone to a restraunt with someone and they called it a cafe or the owners of the restraunt called it a cafe.

and starbuck coffee shops and cafes have been around since 1971 so again any one in the age range of of 0 - 50 give or take a few years depending on how old that memory piece is could have had contact with with a star bucks restraunt, cafe, coffee shop and not know it because they were dissociated.

<font color="green"> What a bummer ~ my reply was kicked into outer space ????? Go figure.

I so enjoyed Kimmies initial response about us being tapestries woven into something beautiful by an ugly thread. What a great idea for a picture.

And, this did seem to evolve into a personal matter.

I would just like to say this, I have asked Myself for clarification on several occassions and have appreciated thought put into it. AND I have put Myself on ignore at times because I couldn't handle her version of belief. Just the way DID works for me I guess.

We are all beautiful individuals and beautiful individuals within individuals. Whether you believe in integration or not, each system does what it needs to do to survive. That's what we do, we survive. Our DID is living testimony to that fact.

I respect all of you and know that you all respect me and others.

Gentle Hugs to all of us,
Anne </font>

hang in there (((((Anne)))))

Here is a link to the article that I remember seeing on integration by a survivor of DID who is also a therapy professional - Dr Rachel Downing author of "Can I Look Now"

WARNING - for those who don't agree or want my information - A majority of what is contained in this article has been what my experience with going through the integration is like too so like every thing else that I provide here and in my blog -

If this does not fit you then move on to things that do fit and help you. This information is for those at this level of healing and those that want and ask for this information.

Like always I am not discounting or disbelieving other peoples experiences just like a person would not go into a store and buy something they would not use or like and bring it home force themselves to use it everyone on line has the option of reading or not, using or not my information.

So for those easily upset by the integration process take care in reading if you choose to read at this link.


http://www.sidran.org/integration.html