[Ineptitude]

Firstly, I'm really good at denial, secondly, I could be a hypochondriac, who knows, thirdly, I don't have a good gauge on how sane or insane I may be.

I'm bipolar, there is no argument there. For years and years I have been told (in my personal life, I wouldn't dare admit such weakness to a doctor) that it seems like I'm often an entirely different person from moment to moment, and I never paid much heed to such comments. I also understand that DID is a lot more convoluted than simply that, and that it exists as a spectrum.

I've been doing a lot of introspection and I am somewhat concerned that I may have some issues with dissociation. I also have some issues with escapism, which is also a possible reason.

Some of the reasons include: Not remembering much of anything from my childhood, it's completely blank with the exception of a few traumatic events I recall; I have always been aloof, a daydreamer, but when I daydream it completely consumes me, I get lost in thought for hours without and recollection of anything from my physical self (Where I was, what I did, how I got there, etc.); my body is pretty well autonomous, I cook, clean, shower, drive, work, etc without any real sense of existing. I carry on conversations and complete tasks with no memory whatsoever of it happening (I rely heavily on lists, without lists I'd never accomplish anything); I am bipolar and realize that could be solely responsible for this, but I tend to change in an instant. I have two states of being for the most part, a very laid back, compassionate and concerned, loving person, and within an instant I am a hate filled and violent nihilist, if it makes any sense. This happens in seconds with no causation or any influencing factors, and it's a good hour of hatred before I even realize I am in a bad mood. My ex has recorded what I say and played it back to me so I can realize how mean I am being, and I listen intently and don't remember 90% of what I even said; I often lose myself in books or games for hours, not even realizing it's occurring, on way too regular of a basis. I sometimes lay in bed with a book and don't emerge for 15 hours until I am finished.

Basically my life consists of a series of moments where I look up and have no idea who, what, where, when, why, or how I ended up there or what I am doing.

If anyone with any experience with degrees of dissociation has an advice or any comments, I'd appreciate to hear them.

I'm at a point in my life where I can't continue to be so inconsistent, so I am working to address some of my issues and get my mind cleared a bit, any help is appreciated.

[Lexi232]

Have you tried any grounding techniques?
I notice it helps some for me, a T i had before the one that i currently have told me that when i find myself "getting distant" to try some grounding techniques and she told me some. I used to do this a lot without even noticing that i did. But lately i've been intentionally trying to stay present (aka using some grounding technique) due to i'm usually walking out around cars.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Ineptitude

Firstly, I'm really good at denial, secondly, I could be a hypochondriac, who knows, thirdly, I don't have a good gauge on how sane or insane I may be.

I'm bipolar, there is no argument there. For years and years I have been told (in my personal life, I wouldn't dare admit such weakness to a doctor) that it seems like I'm often an entirely different person from moment to moment, and I never paid much heed to such comments. I also understand that DID is a lot more convoluted than simply that, and that it exists as a spectrum.

I've been doing a lot of introspection and I am somewhat concerned that I may have some issues with dissociation. I also have some issues with escapism, which is also a possible reason.

Some of the reasons include: Not remembering much of anything from my childhood, it's completely blank with the exception of a few traumatic events I recall; I have always been aloof, a daydreamer, but when I daydream it completely consumes me, I get lost in thought for hours without and recollection of anything from my physical self (Where I was, what I did, how I got there, etc.); my body is pretty well autonomous, I cook, clean, shower, drive, work, etc without any real sense of existing. I carry on conversations and complete tasks with no memory whatsoever of it happening (I rely heavily on lists, without lists I'd never accomplish anything); I am bipolar and realize that could be solely responsible for this, but I tend to change in an instant. I have two states of being for the most part, a very laid back, compassionate and concerned, loving person, and within an instant I am a hate filled and violent nihilist, if it makes any sense. This happens in seconds with no causation or any influencing factors, and it's a good hour of hatred before I even realize I am in a bad mood. My ex has recorded what I say and played it back to me so I can realize how mean I am being, and I listen intently and don't remember 90% of what I even said; I often lose myself in books or games for hours, not even realizing it's occurring, on way too regular of a basis. I sometimes lay in bed with a book and don't emerge for 15 hours until I am finished.

Basically my life consists of a series of moments where I look up and have no idea who, what, where, when, why, or how I ended up there or what I am doing.

If anyone with any experience with degrees of dissociation has an advice or any comments, I'd appreciate to hear them.

I'm at a point in my life where I can't continue to be so inconsistent, so I am working to address some of my issues and get my mind cleared a bit, any help is appreciated.

your subject line question...definately bipolar but is dissociation a possibility?

in general yes dissociation whether a person is mentally disordered or not can dissociate and have dissociative problems. Dissociation has many different ranges from normal through to abnormal and then through to many dissociative disorders.

related directly to your post...Im sorry but we cant say whether what you posted is from your bipolar disorder, hypochondria or dissociation. only your treatment providers can say that.

my suggestion keep working with your treatment providers (ie your medical doctor or mental health treatment provider) they will be able to tell you which symptom goes with which of your problems and whether its called dissociation where you are located.

[innocentjoy]

Not that we are the same, but I was diagnosed with bipolar for years, when the issue I had was switching personalities. I would be so hyper sometimes that people would tell me I was a whole different person, and the switches were so fast I was labelled as having rapid cycling. What was actually happening was that I would dissociate to different personalities, even though they all answered to my name and I never lost time. Some people have both, but it is also possible to be misdiagnosed as well. Again, just my experience.

Dissociation sounds like it is something that is happening with you, and I would try and be honest with your treatment providers. I was wrongly medicated for years because the doctors trusted the first diagnosis, and didn't do any further investigation until the last two years. There is a difference between switching between personalities that have different mood, energy and affect levels, and becoming depressed and/or (hypo)manic. It takes someone knowledgeable in trauma and dissociation to help you weed through that, though.

It might help to print out what you have written and bring it into your doctor or therapist and see what they have to say.

good luck,
IJ

[Ineptitude]

I don't actually have anything at all to do with doctors or medication. Thanks, but no thanks to anything involving the medical community in any way.

I won't ever go to a doctor for any non physical ailments, nor will I take psych meds again. In 20 years I've never had anything but terrible experiences, and am quite capable of keeping myself close enough to on track.

I was just looking for another perspective so I can better understand myself, strengths and weaknesses.

[bronzeowl]

I can kind of understand not wanting anything to do with doctors. I didn't for years myself. Although, we cannot diagnose you here. Even people who are professionals or psych students or what have you cannot without seeing you face to face. It's tough.

Dissociation is highly possible. Whether it is a dissociative disorder, I don't know. I dissociate sometimes. By this, I mean that... I separate from myself. Not in relation to one of the disorders on the dissociative disorder spectrum. I have sat within a circle of family members - people whom I've known all my life - and felt like I did not know who they were at all. I was still moderately consciously aware. But it felt like I had separated from myself and was watching myself from a distance. And like I had been a different person. I haven't had an episode like that in a while. For some time, they were frequent. I'm not sure what caused them. I haven't yet brought them up to my pdoc. But I do wonder if it was related to the dog attack I experienced a few years ago. As the episodes began around that time and just ceased when I slowly started to better understand what happened.

The thing with dissociation is that it can be tied to a lot of mental illnesses. Even people without a mental illness dissociate from time to time. It's when it becomes an interference with your life that something may be up. It could be related to another one, it could be a dissociative disorder. We cannot say accurately. But dissociation occurs for some people who have depression, and since depressive episodes are part of bipolar disorder it is possible that it could be that.

[Ineptitude]

I'd like to revise my question:

There is obviously a line where it goes from normal or healthy escapes into unhealthy territory, but I am not sure where that lies.

I wouldn't say that I'm harmed by my inability to keep touch, per se. My entire consciousness is obviously not completely detached, my body seems to know what to do. If I am functional for all intents and purposes, is it necessarily an issue I should be concerning myself with?

[Neptune83]

I don't think anyone can tell whether or not it is an issue of which you should be concerning yourself. I think it could be at some point, but there again it's not necessarily going to be either.
I tend to lean towards what Innocenjoy said, the bipolar could be wrong. That is always a possibility, but without seeing a professional in this area, you'll never know. I can understand where you're coming from with not wanting to go there, but perhaps you shouldn't rule it out completely if this is concerning you. Not all doctors are crap, not all of them are going to try to force medication on you and send you on your merry way. There are some who will make the effort in helping you get to the bottom of things.
No one can say if this will become problematic because everyone is different. For some it will be, for others it won't.

[innocentjoy]

Originally Posted by Ineptitude

I'd like to revise my question:

There is obviously a line where it goes from normal or healthy escapes into unhealthy territory, but I am not sure where that lies.

I wouldn't say that I'm harmed by my inability to keep touch, per se. My entire consciousness is obviously not completely detached, my body seems to know what to do. If I am functional for all intents and purposes, is it necessarily an issue I should be concerning myself with?

No one can tell you whether this is something you need to focus on, or concern yourself with. No doctors, friends, family, support groups. That is a question you have to answer for youself. I will suggest that coming onto this group and posting shows me that you are at least concerned enough to check in with someone. Perhaps that is your answer, and you're wishing it weren't? Deciding to face the issues can be scary, but also incredibly helpful and healing. Only you will know whether you are ready and/or willing to get into it. I believe that anyone on the planet, mental health issues or not, has issues to face and work through, and the choice to do so or not is 100% theirs.

If you are deciding that you would like support with this, or even have any more questions regarding our experiences, etc. this is a great site for you. I know it can be so frustrating to have to make these decisions on your own sometimes.

I hope that you feel at peace with whatever path you choose, and remember that if you choose one way and it is too much/not enough for you, you can choose to change your mind at any time. If you decide it is important to look into these issues, you have the right to decide at any time that it is not working for you, and vice versa.

All the best,
IJ

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Ineptitude

I'd like to revise my question:

There is obviously a line where it goes from normal or healthy escapes into unhealthy territory, but I am not sure where that lies.

I wouldn't say that I'm harmed by my inability to keep touch, per se. My entire consciousness is obviously not completely detached, my body seems to know what to do. If I am functional for all intents and purposes, is it necessarily an issue I should be concerning myself with?

for some people yes and for others no.

my therapist once told me if my problem bothers me then its worth the time and effort to work on that problem.

only you can say whether your problems concern you or not and whether they are worth your time and effort to work on them.