[Sterella]

I think my T is still suspicious of me having DID! I brought it up in our session that I was concerned about being influenced by the diagnosis, and I was unsure about it, and she said, "All right, for now we can take a complete non-judgmental approach." But she didn't confirm or deny her suspicions, and then she keeps prodding still about whether I think I'm dissociating or not!

How on earth do I tell?!

I know I lose things all the time, and I forget faces/names, and I forget appointments, and I lose track of time, and I forget what people say...possibly more than other people, sure, but I always thought maybe it was just because of bad memory! I mean, some forgetfulness is normal, right? Or maybe I'm just unraveling at the seams with worry and suspicion right now, but who can blame me? I don't know whats going on anymore, and this session she wouldn't tell me anything about what she thinks! "Let's just wait and see." She says!

Please, can someone help me out. How did you find out? Did you just go with what your T said, or was there a certain point that you knew?

[innocentjoy]

It's definitely scary finding out something could be there. Does it frustrate you that your t won't tell you how she feels, or does it frustrate you becuase you know she suspects you having a dissociative disorder and you wish that she didn't? I'm asking because your first sentence talked about she is suspicious of you having DID, but then you say she won't tell you what she thinks.

Most trained professionals will not rush into a diagnosis, and will just be aware of how things happen before they feel they are most likely on the right tract. Diagnoses are, at best, educated guesses, as there is no difinitive medical test to see if it's happening. So she will not be 100% certain either way. She's asking you more questions so that she can see whether her suspicions may or may not fit. I would be much more wary if she jumped right into a diagnosis, was positive and not open to other options.

Not that it is any easier to go through the process of not knowing. My t broke it down to me in smaller chunks, and I didn't rush his answer, because part of me didn't want to hear all the theories. I was referred to him because my counselor knew of my newly remembered abuse, and symptoms similar to ptsd, as well as sudden changes in my demeanor, mood, body, voice, conversation topics. These were concrete things that helped me realize this diagnosis fit.

When I saw my t, he mentioned that my voice had sounded much younger on one of the phone calls I had left for him, and left it at that. He talked about ego states, without bringing DID right into the mix. There are many levels of dissociation and DID is only at the far extreme. Eventually he helped me to look at my actions, abilities, moods, perceptions, etc over time. I was able to see a pattern of times where I was able to function perfectly fine, others when I felt much more vulnerable and smaller, wasn't able to keep up with 'normal' adult functioning etc. He gave me the first diagnosis of complext ptsd, and a possible dissociative disorder. Eventually he confirmed it as DDNOS, which in my case is everything DID contains, but I don't lose time when I switch between alters.

It took awhile to process, but eventually it was the only thing that made sense for my behaviours over my life. Why some people would say I was acting so different it was like a nother person, why my sister would hate being around me when I was with friends, but loved hanging out with me when it was just us - because it was a different part she was with. It explained why I couldn't consistently keep interested in things, or keep housecleaning habits, hobbies, etc. All those pieces in my life I had always wondered why I was so different, or found things so hard when no one else did, it all kind of fit. I was able to realize that it wasn't anything wrong with me, with the diagnosis, it was just that I had been so innovative as a little girl to come up with coping skills that didn't work for me now as an adult.

I still have many moments where I feel like it's 'not me', but that is a natural part of any disorder. It really helped me to go through the checklists on my own, when I could be totally honest with myself, and not have to share it with anyone or feel like they would judge me for it.

Again, it surprises me that she would just jumpt right to DID, unless she has seen changes in you during session that you weren't aware of, or similar situations.

Bad memory can be part of DID, but the more important parts of full DID would be more finding out that you did things, bought things, talked to people, went places that you have evidence of doing, but really don't feel like you did. forgetting whether or not you mailed a letter is a lot different than someone mentioning that they received a letter you dont' remember writing or posting. Forgetting a name is different than meeting someone who knows you but you don't know who they are or how they know that your favourite colour is blue and you own a cat. Losing track of time can be different than going to watch your regular sunday show and finding out that it is two hours later, or even another day and not knowing what happening. When non DID people lose track of time, they just get involved in something and time flies. They can still pinpoint what they were doing and with whom, or that they were sitting starting into space and didn't realize time has passed so quickly. forgetting what people say is common, but when they remind you, you at least have some recolection of talking to them, or something to do with. If it was DID you most likely wouldn't recall even talking to the person.
Some forgetfulness is normal. However if it interferes with your daily life, or causes you any level of stress it is important to realize that for you, it isn't normal. Or even if it is regular for you, forgetfulness should not cause anxiety if it is at normal levels.

None of this information can be a diagnosis, but it might be ways to see the difference between singleton forgetting, and multiple forgetting.

And no matter what the diagnosis ends up being, you are sitll you. Nothing about you will change, be better or worse, depending on a label written down. You are still a human being, full of worth, beauty, and deserving. Just as much, no matter what is written down.

If it turns out the diagnosis is DID, or some other dissociative disorder, it just means that they are closer to being able to help you become the strong, happy, balanced person you wish to be. It is all about how to help you, not to find out 'what is wrong with you'.

I hope any of this helps. Again, my info is not diagnosis information, there are many links of info, and probaby books your t can suggest you look into that would be helpful.

All my best,

IJ

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Sterella

I think my T is still suspicious of me having DID! I brought it up in our session that I was concerned about being influenced by the diagnosis, and I was unsure about it, and she said, "All right, for now we can take a complete non-judgmental approach." But she didn't confirm or deny her suspicions, and then she keeps prodding still about whether I think I'm dissociating or not!

How on earth do I tell?!

I know I lose things all the time, and I forget faces/names, and I forget appointments, and I lose track of time, and I forget what people say...possibly more than other people, sure, but I always thought maybe it was just because of bad memory! I mean, some forgetfulness is normal, right? Or maybe I'm just unraveling at the seams with worry and suspicion right now, but who can blame me? I don't know whats going on anymore, and this session she wouldn't tell me anything about what she thinks! "Let's just wait and see." She says!

Please, can someone help me out. How did you find out? Did you just go with what your T said, or was there a certain point that you knew?

according to your post you said

Originally Posted by Sterella

I brought it up in our session that I was concerned about being influenced by the diagnosis, and I was unsure about it, and she said, "All right, for now we can take a complete non-judgmental approach." But she didn't confirm or deny her suspicions,

so now she has no choice but to ask you what you think. whether you believe you are dissociating or not and what you consider to be your dissociating or not. by telling her that you effectively tied her hands behind her back in whether she can tell you how you are dissociating or not, and she cant confirm nor deny that you have dissociation problems...its in your ball park now so to speak.

I knew I was dissociating into the dissociative disorder ranges through diagnostic testing with a psychiatrist. my test results showed I had dissociative disorders and which ones.

Im sorry but we cant tell you how to tell when ....you ....are dissociating. only you know whether you are dissociating or not and how.

yes for some people the dissociative symptoms you posted are normal and for others it isnt.

you see dissociation happens on normal ranges and then branches out into the abnormal ranges.

example

for some people its normal for then to daydream and for others it isnt normal for them to daydream.

for some people it is normal for them to feel a bit spacy, foggy minded, and not connected to their self and their environment. for others it isnt normal.

for some people its normal to lose time, have memory problems and for others it isnt.

Using the same symptoms you posted you have my own treatment providers called them vy many names depending upon other accompanying symptoms, like depression, psychosis, hallucinations, sleep deprivation, dissociation and many others too.

each location, treatment providers, cultures, religions,....have their own names /definitions of what symptoms are what so only you and your treatment providers can say whether you are dissociating or something else is happening.

one way to tell if you are dissociating or whether what is going on with you is normal is by keeping a daily journal. after a period of time keeping a journal you will notice whether your symptoms are normal for you or the symptoms are dissociation beyond the normal for you.

another way to tell whether you are dissociating or whether dissociative symptoms is normal for you is by untying your treatment providers arms by telling her you want to know whether you are dissociating or not and whether you have a dissociative disorder or not. that will open the door for diagnostic tests that can tell you whether you are dissociating or not, whether you have a dissociative disorder or not.

It wouldnt really do any good for me to tell you how I dissociate and what my dissociative symptoms are because whats dissociative for me may be just normal in you. only you and your treatment providers can say whether you are dissociating or not.

in general a person knows they are dissociating according to how they feel and then tell their treatment providers how they felt and why. then the treatment provider can tell the person whether in their location, agency, culture what ever that symptom is called dissociation.

beyond general and person specific, unfortunately or fortunately depending upon point of view we cant tell you how to tell when you are dissociating, we can only say how we our selves are dissociating.

like I said I learned through getting officially tested.

my suggestion just be honest with your treatment providers on how you feel and why and they will help you to discover whether you are dissociating or not.

[Sterella]

Sorry for the confusion. I was very angry/emotional over my last session. On top of that i haven't been sleeping well. What i meant was i had told her i was uncertain of her saying i had DID. She told me we would wait and see and be nonjudgmental about it. I was upset though, because after saying that she is still asking me questions about dissociation...which makes me think she still believes i have DID, she just isn't flat out telling me anymore.

Again, sorry for the growling rant. I feel terribly whiny after rereading my own post! Sorry!

But thanks for your advice! I know i have had a lot of "stranger friends" before, in which people claim they know me and carry a conversation with me but inside im just like (oh my gosh, who are you? I dont know you. Why are you talking to me?) Though i probably just have one of those familiar faces.

No the only part that kind of makes me pause, and what i cant explain is my forgetfulness. Its not like, oh, haha i missed my turn! No, its like where on earth am i? I actually found myself off campus not too long ago. I had apparently walked clear away from all of my classes all the way out to this one park across a bridge. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I thought about calling someone, but who would believe me? Its not like i remember going there, i was just there! Unless someone drugged me, kidnapped me, and put me in the park or something. But that seems incredibly ridiculous.
This sort of thing has happened before, but never anywhere that far away. It took me a half hour to get back, and i missed class!

[innocentjoy]

I can understand how frustrating it is when people say one thing, but it seems like they're just saying to appease you. I think that is how I would feel in your situation, that the t was just saying that she'd be nonjudgemental, but still judging and just not saying it. Is that close to how you are feeling? I'm sorry if it is.

I have difficultites when my t isn't careful about how she words things. I also have a sensitivity to slight changes in body language, due to being very hypervigilant, and that makes it even more difficult. It is important that you explain to your t how you feel when she said that, but didn't seem to change how she was reacting (if I'm on the same page as you, and this is how you're feeling - I could be way off).

What you describe sounds like you are 'waking up' and realizing you are somewhere you didn't know you'd be, or weren't expecting. That is important to mention to your t, and is how a lot of people with dissociative disorders describe their experience.

I think it's also important to note that if you've been dissociating your entire life (or from a very early age) focusing on what's normal 'for you' may not have any impact. When I learned about my disorder, I realized a lot of the things I'd assumed were normal, were part of the dissociative disorder. Just because something seems normal for one person doesn't mean that they are fine. There are many criteria for dissociation based on the mass population and those would be what to go by. Obviously your t can help you out. Sorry to add all the conflicting information, I just wouldn't want people to think that something that seems normal becuase they've done it all their lives is totally fine based on the fact that they're used to it.

I wish you all the best. Try and be honest with your t about what she is doing/saying that is upsetting you. It is the only way she will be able to help make things easier for you and stop triggering you. It's hard to remember, but t's are human and they have bad days, say the wrong things and make mistakes too. The best way for them to learn how to be a supportive helper for you is to teach them what you need.

good luck
IJ

[Sterella]

Thanks, Innocentjoy, and Amandalouise.

I will have to tell my T about my little trek, it was too bizarre not to. I feel so "dizzy in the head" lately, and sorting out my daily happenings is becoming a drain. I've been trying to keep a journal, and I have to admit, there are some odd holes.

Although I always thought this was all from having ADD. I know as a child I practically lived in what my grandmother called "Lala land" I would just float away in my mind to this place a lot. I barely remember any of my childhood, but I thought that was just a part of my inattentiveness.

I don't know anymore. But, thanks for the help and advice you two. I will speak with my T, and see what she has to say. (And I'll try to be more informative with her and more trusting this time).

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Sterella

Thanks, Innocentjoy, and Amandalouise.

I will have to tell my T about my little trek, it was too bizarre not to. I feel so "dizzy in the head" lately, and sorting out my daily happenings is becoming a drain. I've been trying to keep a journal, and I have to admit, there are some odd holes.

Although I always thought this was all from having ADD. I know as a child I practically lived in what my grandmother called "Lala land" I would just float away in my mind to this place a lot. I barely remember any of my childhood, but I thought that was just a part of my inattentiveness.

I don't know anymore. But, thanks for the help and advice you two. I will speak with my T, and see what she has to say. (And I'll try to be more informative with her and more trusting this time).

I cvan see why you thought/think what was happening is your having add, many add people have internal worlds, just like some people with bipolar disorder have internal worlds as do many others with many different mental disorders. even normal people sometimes escape into internal worlds. with some this is called normal dissociation with others its called psychosis, hallucinations and other things.

I never had an internal world though I did and still do have quite an imagination. with me I would "become" the wall, "become"the bed, "become" the tea pot short and stout" lol

everyone has their own ways in which they daydream/dissociate /mentally create/pretend they are something or their internal world.

my own grandmother would say to me "stop counting sheep, chickens and horses for goodness sake and go play." when ever she caught me spacing off.

[Fuzzybear]

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Sterella

Sorry for the confusion. I was very angry/emotional over my last session. On top of that i haven't been sleeping well. What i meant was i had told her i was uncertain of her saying i had DID. She told me we would wait and see and be nonjudgmental about it. I was upset though, because after saying that she is still asking me questions about dissociation...which makes me think she still believes i have DID, she just isn't flat out telling me anymore.

Again, sorry for the growling rant. I feel terribly whiny after rereading my own post! Sorry!

But thanks for your advice! I know i have had a lot of "stranger friends" before, in which people claim they know me and carry a conversation with me but inside im just like (oh my gosh, who are you? I dont know you. Why are you talking to me?) Though i probably just have one of those familiar faces.

No the only part that kind of makes me pause, and what i cant explain is my forgetfulness. Its not like, oh, haha i missed my turn! No, its like where on earth am i? I actually found myself off campus not too long ago. I had apparently walked clear away from all of my classes all the way out to this one park across a bridge. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I thought about calling someone, but who would believe me? Its not like i remember going there, i was just there! Unless someone drugged me, kidnapped me, and put me in the park or something. But that seems incredibly ridiculous.
This sort of thing has happened before, but never anywhere that far away. It took me a half hour to get back, and i missed class!

After many years trying to figure what was going on in my head I eventually read up on dissociating. It covered most if not all of my thinking and actions. When I went to my t after some sessions she told me she thought I might have DID or DDNOS. I was put off by her telling me that even though I thought that prior to therapy. It's a difficult thing to wrap our head around because for me it meant i didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. It caused me to feel unfimiliar with myself. So I went through moments of complete dinal and mild acceptence. What I found was my alters were glad to be finally aknowledged as existing. They helped me to work the feelings confusion and uncertianty. I think what you are going through is good. It will cause you to ask your t many questions that you might not have thought to ask. In the end my diagnosis didn't change me it helped me to understand me better. And for me to realize that I am not crazy, Something I had been questioning for years. Be honest with your t. Tell her how you feel but also understand your t will sometimes need to ask questions DID related in order to make certain that that diagnosis is correct. This will guide you and her through therapy. For me it is better to know that to not know.

[kimmy77]

I think if I was explaining my "journey" through being diagnosed with DID, and those of others I've talked to, I think that denial is part of the journey. It seems so weird and crazy to think that YOU could have alters or other personalities or ego states or whatever makes you the least uncomfortable to call it.

I used to explain things away all the time. I just forget things. I have a familiar face. I am scattered and don't remember where I put things. I just wasn't paying attention while I was driving and that's why I am here and not where I was planning on going. I must have read the clock wrong and that's why 3 hours have passed that I don't remember.

My therapist started being suspicious when I asked her when she got a new chair in her office. I had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder before I was diagnosed with DID. They had come up with "ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder" for me. I had been on pretty much every psychotropic medication, had 11 ECT treatments, 5 suicide attempts, SI, etc. I was a mess, and no treatment was helping.

The dissociative symptoms started manifesting more often and more obviously. I would get a dizzy feeling in my head. I felt like I was floating when I was walking. They did all sorts of EKG tests and stuff to make sure I wasn't having seizures.

Finally, they sent me to a dissociative disorders unit in a hospital in another state, and the DID diagnosis made itself aware (in a most spectacular way, that I won't get into now, because I just don't have the energy).

I wasn't diagnosed until 2005. I was...let's see...28. I had been in the mental health system from about 2002 or so.

It's a hard road.

Try not to think too hard about the diagnosis. I know that's difficult with such a "bomb" hanging over your head, but the diagnosis is just letters to make insurance companies pay. It doesn't really describe you as a person. It doesn't define your experiences.

Try to just focus on what your experience of your life is. Try to be as honest as possible with your therapist. I know you probably have trust issues (it comes with the territory, even if you're anywhere near any dissociative diagnoses). But your therapist CAN'T help if you don't tell them what's going on. If you don't feel safe with them, find someone else that you do feel safe with to talk to (a professional). You need someone who will be with you for the long haul, if possible.