[Sparking1]

At 21, I wanted to created some kind of religious unified theory and write about it using symbols in a intergalactic sci fi. Now at 35, its like I've lost so much time to brainmapping. I obsess about trying to find myself in the characters and I'm left with this story that begs to be told and is just so confusing and all -encompassing to my identity. Because of mental illness, I'm trapped at my parent's house with no car, a new job (after five years) and a boyfriend I talk to every night but see only once in a while. I have no energy to talk about all this to friends and I'm hoping to make some here. Its a very heavy, tiring reality, in which I feel I'm watching my life fly by with nothing going on in it. Living at home where all my mom does all day (my dad still works), is take people to appointments and either facebook or tv in bed. Its like I'm an attachment to her life. I just feel useless and old. I'm worried that my relationship with my boyfriend will fall apart with my lack of ability to write. It can't get any worse then this, but what if it does? I can barely stand not to kill myself like this.

[tohelpafriend]

Originally Posted by Sparking1

At 21, I wanted to created some kind of religious unified theory and write about it using symbols in a intergalactic sci fi. Now at 35, its like I've lost so much time to brainmapping. I obsess about trying to find myself in the characters and I'm left with this story that begs to be told and is just so confusing and all -encompassing to my identity. Because of mental illness, I'm trapped at my parent's house with no car, a new job (after five years) and a boyfriend I talk to every night but see only once in a while. I have no energy to talk about all this to friends and I'm hoping to make some here. Its a very heavy, tiring reality, in which I feel I'm watching my life fly by with nothing going on in it. Living at home where all my mom does all day (my dad still works), is take people to appointments and either facebook or tv in bed. Its like I'm an attachment to her life. I just feel useless and old. I'm worried that my relationship with my boyfriend will fall apart with my lack of ability to write. It can't get any worse then this, but what if it does? I can barely stand not to kill myself like this.

Hi,
I just happened to read your post, being bored and baking a cake layer. Baking cheers me up a lot. You mention you have a new job, so maybe that will lead to your getting your own place. Are you a dependent personality? When I was 30 I lived at home awhile and went to hairdressing school, had a bad boyfriend. My mother was not much of a friend. You'll probably feel better when you get out of your parents' house and experience what you want to do. The book idea sounds interesting....what is brainmapping> I'm a writer, thinking about it lately as I found a notebook with the outline and characters and research I had done. When I decide to seriously write, I will plan to do so with a writer's program to organize it. I've found most people aren't interested in reading others' personal experiences, but a story which will take them out of themselves, much like movies do. In that respect, the writer is a craftsperson, not selfish. People want their own experiences. Wow, I'm rambling. I hope you have a sunny day filled with new inspiration! Peace, 'help..."

[Sparking1]

Thanks so much for replying! You were sounding very intelligent and I was feeling better, not in anyway thinking you were rambling. Its very wise to encourage me to look toward feeling better when I move out. I often feel that's its just going to take too long, but thinking about it like that kind of makes the depression bearable. I don't know very much about being dependent. I guess I am, I'm very strong in my personal life and have a lot of imagined personalities, while I'm only very outgoing in my social life when I drink. I don't know much about dissociation. I typically look to schizophrenia to explain why my depersonalizing isn't normal, but it doesn't help. I feel like I understand that I imagine everything, so it doesn't work to call them hallucinations.

Brainmapping is a way of brainstorming, like plotting out your thoughts. I'm so obsessed with making them for my book that I forgot all about calling it brainstorming. I guess it relies more on doodles, pictures. Its a nightmare for me, like I'm trapped in them and can no longer write a theatrical scene. Almost like I feel no energy for anything else and an intense addiction to plotting out ideas, to connect the characters in a simple way. Writing scenes just creates so much mystery, I don't know how to get into it again. You're right, that is the key, people want their own experiences, maybe that'll help. It's something I've sort of considered, to be realistic. No one wants to hear my experience flat out, and so I have to encode everything, make it symbolic. Its like tearing my soul apart. I feel intense pain trying to force myself to do anything other than what I think I need to do. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy. Writing scenes takes so much work. But at this point, I think my brain is becoming warped or something and I've made it hard on myself, like an addiction.