[catcoon]

<font color="purple"> Here's a quick update on what's been going on with me lately:

Well, I've been having extreme flashbacks the past week or so such that I'm not getting restful sleep and sleeping only 3 to 4 hours a night. Sometimes I've been able to sleep during the day for 2 to 3 hrs, so that helps. But I've still been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Won't go into description on the f/b's as I don't believe it's necessary here. The important thing is acknowledging them in t which is what we've been working on. It just seems like I've had soooooo many. Keep asking T when will it be over? She says when you've had ENOUGH...I want to know when is enough? I'm a mathematical person and have loved numbers as long as I can remember. The total number of abusive episodes with my f was 1487 (don't ask me how I know, but I do count things). Lately it's been MORE stuff involving him. Ask T how much do I have to have? Answer is always--"enough"...Enough already!!! LOL! I then ask does my system think I need to have them ALL? Reply is, of course, "I don't know, just enough," by T. I'm beginning to think that because I'm a number person, maybe I DO have to get them all? Oh well, I've come too far to give up now.

Also having problems with employment...not with my supervisor, but with Administrator and workers' comp. Injured left shoulder and arm while lifting a patient in October and was put on light duty by the clinic. Was only scheduled for 16 hrs per week, can't live on 50% of salary cuz it's just me supporting myself. Went back to clinic, they said I had to see an Ortho dr. Well, last time I had to see Ortho dr of workers' comp pick it took them 8 weeks to get me in to see one---took light duty slip back to work (still Oct)---supv said only have to schedule you for what I can, workers' comp will make up difference. Don't know about your workers' comp, but ours only pays 60%--can't live on 60% of my salary. Went crying back to clinic and they put me back on full duty--took letter to supv who said okay just be careful with left arm. Have had continued pain in left arm and have seen my Primary Care Provider (PCP) for narcotics when I ran out of what clinic gave me, it was for arm and leg pain. PCP referred me to neurologist due to continued pain in legs; neurologist gave me one month on narcotic and referred me back to PCP; PCP then referred me to a pain doctor who put me on a low dose maintenance narcotic. In the meantime, I've had continued pain in left arm. I made appt to see MY ortho from 2 years ago. Couldn't see him till this past Tues, he put me on light duty--no pushing, pulling, lifting with left upper extremity--took letter to supv who said give it to Administrator which I did...I went home. Got two calls from Admin while I was out of house, got home, called her #, no ans. so left msg. Went out of house to pay rent, got back with another ans from her on my phone (this was Wed). Left house at 6am on Thurs and returned at 12 midnight. Msgs: from supv "Admin has been trying to get in touch with you for a couple of days now, what's going on?", from workers' comp "Call immediately!", and from Admin "call immediately!" Can't call at midnight, so I get up on Fri am and 1st call workers' comp--interviewed for 1 1/2 hrs with end result being, "We're not accepting your light duty--you can't work until this issue is resolved--you went out of network when you went to your own doctors--have to have records from ALL doctors you've seen then we'll decide what we're going to do--until then can't see any more doctors and can't work." Called Admin who said I have to take FMLA due to what workers' comp says. Call human resources person who says Admin already told her what to do, tell HR person to leave papers at work, I'll pick them up. Now, during the conversation with workers' comp and Admin was able to maintain, then I broke down and started howling, bawling...was bad girl again, my fault...was being punished cuz I'd been bad...all that old %#@&#! reared it's ugly head. Supv calls and leaves msg and wants to know what's going on? It's after 5pm and she's usually gone by then, no ans on her cell, so call work and she's there. Tell her about having to be on FMLA for undetermined time and she flips! Wants to know what's going on? Tell her it's about light duty and my seeing my own ortho. She still doesn't get it. So now I'm off work for undetermined amt of time--have 191 hrs of paid time off (PTO) so I won't lose any income unless this goes beyond 1 month, but I won't have any vacation this summer like I wanted, oh well! Guess I needed to take the time off now due to what's happening in my system? Who knows? I'm trying to look on the bright side, like whoopee days off! But without a structure it sure is hard to maintain a semblance of life. Right now I feel I have no purpose. But me and T are working on me!

Have t Thurs night and will let you know how it's all going.

More later,
cat </font>

[(JD)]

you certainly are having a go of it, aren't you? ((((safe hug)))) I hope your T knows you are overwhelmed, and goes slowly enough to lessen the reactions.

[January]

(((((((((( Cat )))))))))))

I hope things slow down for you very soon.

Hugs,

Jan

[catcoon]

<font color="purple">Thanks, ((((Jan &amp; Sky)))

My therapist isn't the one who directs therapy, it's my system! Sometimes it just seems to be too much, but it seems I am able to get through the rough spots. My T says let's slow down, but I reply how can I? "I" don't control what's going on, the whole system does and presents what needs to be presented when it needs to happen. T has always said I'm going at warp factor 3 (remember Star Trek?). Well, we've been doing this 13 years now and I feel like we're almost at the end. Still have two parts that are not together with the rest of us and that's the ***** we're getting now.

Only two more days til t, then maybe some of this will slow down for awhile? Who knows? I do know that I am able to just BE right now, which is something I wasn't able to do before.

Jan, can I join you under the goldern mallorn trees of Lothlorien where Celeborn and Gladriel dwelt?

more later,
cat
Off to bed right now!</font>

[January]

(((((((((( Cat )))))))))))))

There is always room in the Golden Forest.

Hugs,

Jan