Attempting to Connect

So last weekend my T went to a conference and saw Ida Shaw and Joan Farrell talk about the groups they help for people with Borderline Personality Disorders. In their work they also found that it was helping people who have issues with DID. Apparently what they were doing was connecting with people was by passing around some kind of object. Or they would make direct eye contact. Or a few other things. Using schema therapy is also something they do. .

I can talk to my T but I haven't connected with him. Haven't connected with any person for any length of time. Today my T had two long pieces of material. He gave me one piece of material and asked me to pick it up. I did pick it up and quickly put it down. He tied them both together and he held one end and I held the other for a matter of seconds then I pulled the material out of his hand and it ended up over my shoulder. He asked me to give his end back to him. He didn't was to frighten me by getting close. So I gave it back. So again he held one end I I tried holding the other end. My hand/arm started shaking so bad that I had to drop the material.

The desire not to connect is so strong. Right now I don't know if I will ever be able to do this. Has anybody else ever tried something like this. Did it help you?

Hello, possum220. I have not experienced what you describe. Please continue to work at it and let us know how you are doing.

in my culture we do something similar. it is said in our culture.... to share something that is of another is to hold that person in honor of their spirit. a kindred, a connection....

to sit and gaze upon the earth, to use ones spirit to see, listen, smell and touch is to be one with the earth.

it is an honor to be one with the earth...its plants, animals, elements and people.

examples....

vision quests involve going out in nature alone, sitting sharing natures beauty, smelling the earthy smells, holding the things that can be picked or picked up, sharing the togetherness with all the senses, while entering a meditative state when you are connected this way to the earth it can speak to you, help you with your troubles.

another example.....

my therapist holds something in her hand during a session and then hands it to me. this way I am connected to her through the object during hard times, or when she is unavailable.

sometimes I tell my therapist it seems like she is on the other side of the river. (usually after a long time of not seeing her, or when I need her be closer to me) She asks me what would make a bridge so she can come to me, or I come to her. I look around the room and find items then we both take some of those items and we build a bridge where she is holding one end and I the other, sometimes using that bridge in our hands we walk closer to each other until we are side by side rather than across the great divide.

Sometimes I bring in things ...journals, items of great importance to me and give them to my therapist. I know that she has a piece of me so I am connected with her.by reading my journals, listening to what I say to her about the things I share with her and her listening to what those things say to her she is also connected to me and can guide me where I am supposed to be, help me with my troubles.

((((((( possum )))))))

Good job that you tried!. Also remember nothing bad happened while you held the material. You just became afraid and pulled away. I think if you continue to work with your t you will be able to connect. Take care.

Thank you for sharing amandalouise. It seems quite natural they way you explained how you connect to the world and your T. Peaceful. It also reminded me that my T said I could take the piece on material home so I could continue the connection.

Yes I suppose I am scared claritytoo. I am trying to figure out if it's just my T I am scared of or if it a fear in general of connecting to any-one.

Right now my chest just hurts from the stress.

Today I saw my T again. We talked about trying to connect with each other. That's his plan.In order for me to get better he says we need to connect and I need to connect with my own parts. I don't want to connect. He told me I was mostly attachment avoidant. So I have two weeks to decide if I want to continue seeing him or not not see him. He sees failure to connect as a major stumbling block to progress.

On the drive home I realized that I would miss him. Does that mean I have already connected to him. Maybe it's just the thought that not seeing him every two weeks high lights the loneliness monster. One of my littlies started swearing at me when I got home. She was not happy.

Any thoughts?

there are many different definitions of being connected / attached to another person.....

complete strangers can form a connection/attachment/bond with another just by spending a few minutes talking. this kind of connection/attachment/bonding is called being acquaintances.

two people who discover they have common ground and continue to get together, do things together, have common ground, this kind of connection/atachment/bond is called friendship.

my point is being connected/attached/bonded with a treatment provider also has many different definitions/depths/ levels depending on ones own feelings and the type of relationship that person has with their treatment provider.

some of my treatment providers and I were/are only connected/attached/ bonded at surface...they are people that prescribe my meds and I have a certain amount of trust in their abilities, but I wouldnt go so far as to tell them my life story. the type of relationship we have doesnt go that deep and never will. Where as other treatment providers, that connection/attachment/bond is one of a deeper level where in an emergency I would have no problem saying I have this problem and maybe you can help me....And still other treatment providers and I are connected/attached/bonded at the most deepest there is for me at this time. I trust their judgement and would not hesitate to divulge even my darkest secrets/problems to them.

only you can answer whether you are connected/attached/bonded with your treatment providers, how what that connection/attachment/bonding is, and how deep it is between you.

Right now amandalouise I just dont know................. Some parts may want to be more connected with him. Other parts don't. I might have to see him a few times to get this sorted.

Eeek! That sounds scary to me. ((((Possum)))) I wouldn't like that excercise at all. I likely wouldn't even participate. There has to be trust before there is connection, I would think - like on a deep level. Hope things go better for you!

I have two weeks in between appointments with my T. In my head it has been a case of finishing up with him. Today my feelings have changed and I do want to connect.

It so frustrating..............

*handing you an ice pack for that lump you're getting on your head from the brick wall*

My head stopped hurting today when I saw my T. I do want to connect with him. Some parts are scared. We worked out a couple of ground rules.

I also had a dream about putting a lit candle in the in the window of a building on the 32nd floor so people in another building who were scared would know things were safe.

So I asked T if I could bring a candle to out next session and light it. He seemed happy about it. Wish me luck.... Forwards........... On we go.

luck! sounds like a lovely idea! hugs

Hey there, it sounds like you have somehow found a way to make peace on this? Your candle idea sounds really lovely and the fact your T listened to you and seems to want to help I think goes a long way. Sending hugs of encouragement