Serenity gone--MT

<font color="purple">Well, the serenity left sometime during working last evening while I was at work. Don't know if certain events that occurred triggered a f/b or another part, but spent the night in terror. I came home from work at around one o' clock this am after having gone to work Sunday am at 6:45 am (More than 16 hrs--I'm supposed to work 12).

Called my m from work and asked her to spend the night with me cuz I was afraid to be alone at home last night. She came--I was able to go to bed after 3 am. During the rest of the night the following happened....

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Felt very small...little girl...abandoned in a large open blank space...no one about...called out...no response...all alone...danger!!!!

Next, tied up....can't move....being SA'd by many people....very little....calling out....noone helps....abandoned....all alone....danger!!!

Once again, tied up to a tree in a forest....can't move....being burned with cigarettes on abdomen....punched in stomach....called out....noone helps....abandoned...all alone....danger!!!

Next, arms and legs immobilized....can't move....feel inappropriate touching....being stimulated....can't escape from sensations....they're wrong....call out for m ....no answer...abandoned....all alone....danger!!!

Find myself in a run down shack....attempting to take care of a man and woman that have received too much of a certain medicine....have to give antidote....someone comes behind me....gives me a shot....puts me in room adjacent to where the couple is....lose consciousness....tied up to a chair....being hit and punched....watch them hurt couple....they're also immobilized....call out for help...no one answers....abandoned....all alone....danger!!!

In same situation....man and woman need care....look for gloves to put on....none around...ask someone standing nearby....where are gloves....none available....can't care for them without gloves....attempt to leave to get some....immobilized again....back in adjacent room....cold, dark and damp like a cave....candles burning down....wax dripping down sides....some man picks up a candle and drips hot wax on face, arms, hands and breasts....pain....fear....is death coming?....call out....no one helps....abandoned...all alone....danger!!!

Next, I'm in a city where there's snow and it's really cold....trying to take care of someone in bed who has messed themselves cuz they can't get out of bed and don't know they've gone poop...once again no gloves around....go to bathroom to get cleanup supplies....can't find them, but next thing I know hand is covered with poop while I'm wiping poop off his ***....it's all over underpad, bed sheets, and him....ask for help....no one responds....become immobilized again....look on as he remains in filth....I'm covered in filth and they smear it all over my naked body....call out in fear....no one answers....all alone....abandoned....danger!!!

Again I'm in a house trying to care for someone(?) filth everywhere....m has taken my car and gone to aunt's house....no food....no water....no electricity....no instant hand sanitizer...bugs and spiders all over....rats and vermin crawling around and on me....I'm immobilized watching all this....call out for help....abandoned....all alone....no one answers...danger!!! Leave man alone in filth....cross street to find payphone....dial information to try and find aunt's phone number...operator gives me 317 951 5364 and dials it for me....can't talk when aunt answers phone....finally squeak comes out....want my m ...aunt yells at m ....it's for you....m gets on phone....try talking....no sound comes out....try yelling louder....HELLO....HELLO...HELLO...HELLO...no answer...look around....all alone....abandoned....danger!!!!

At this moment I'm screaming at top of my lungs. My dogs are barking so loudly. My m comes into my bedroom to wake me up...speaks and I yell why don't you help me when I need you?....she answers I'm here now....won't leave until you say it's okay. Abruptly come to present...aching all over...so much pain...can't talk...vocal cords strained....try to sit up...agony....finally move myself to side of bed...try to stand and fall flat on face on carpet (thankfully)....pull myself up...m is standing there telling me I've been yelling out all night long....she was afraid to come in...I've been known to be violent during these "attacks"....actually flashbacks....she stands far away and calls to me gently....crawl to bathroom....get in bathtubful of warm sudsy water....lay there a whole hour!! Still aching everywhere....still almost unable to walk...dry off...put on clean set of pj's and sit down to write this down....during bath notice bruises on face and body...burn marks on abdomen....face swollen in places...agony of pain all over....not relieved by soak in tub. Come in here trying to write...in and out of focused sight....in and out of consciousness (sort of)....aware of what I'm typing, but very hard to type due to pain in arms and hands, body is swollen all over...difficulty focusing and concentrating and blurred vision...so here I sit....it's taken over 45 minutes to type this out...usually much faster....abandoned....danger....all alone...BUT she's here in next room watching TV, some old show.

So the Serenity is gone....don't know where...but I had peace and serenity since 1230 pm on Thurs 1/25/07....sure it will return....just don't like what I'm experiencing right now.

Can I have a group hug right now? I think I need it! Feeling abandoned, all alone, and in danger, but intellectually know I'm not...you're here listening.

Thanks much you all,
cat </font>

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"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

((((( BIG GENTLE HUGS )))))

(((((((((((((catcoon))))))))))))) couldn't really read but wanted you to know we care.

(((((((((((((((((((( catcoon )))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so disturbed now... are you still seeing your T?

(((((((((( Cat )))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan