[sickchick24]

When I was in the hospital two summers ago a very kind nurse told me to think of my issues as a mystery. I just need to find the clues to solve it. So I've been doing just that.


I have depersonalization disorder


I think it stems from being physically abided as a child. And when I was 15 my parents shaved my hair off while I was unconscious. That traumatic event particularly scarred me and I feel like that might have been when things really kicked off. But I also think that it started when I was 14. I ate a weed brownie by myself and I was a beginning smoker so I wasn't used to being high and that brownie got me STONED. I would have enjoyed it except for the fact that my parents were home and they scare me to death so I got super paranoid and I couldn't calm down so I rocked myself to sleep. After that day nothing really ever went back to looking normal it looked like I was buzzed off of pot but I didn't feel buzzed. I wasn't detached tho I could still feel my emotions and I knew who I was and I wasn't uncomfortable. Then at 16 I went to a concert and smoked what I think was spice (synthetic weed) right after taking my first hit I passed out. I could hear everyone around me and I could see them too they took me out of the crowd and then I experienced my first out if body experience. I could see myself flailing my arms around as they later me on a bench I couldn't control my body movements. As I waved my arms around uncontrollably, eyes still closed, I saw streaks of blue and red and white attached to every arm motion. I eventually got back into my consciousness but when I did I felt soooo out of it. Like I didn't really feel anything. At all actually. Everything was mindless and kinda pointless. A year later is when hell started I was fully blown depersonalized and I had no idea what was going on. Everyone thought I was on hard core drugs bc I would walk around looking really confused and my actions probably made no sense.


What it's like right now:

-there's this constant sense of fear like I have something to be scared about or something to worry about. Like I'm afraid of life itself even when I'm just laying down in bed it's like there's something scary about it but there's really nothin to be afraid of

-I don't know the right way to think. Like do I actually speak to myself in my head or do I stay silent and let myself feel the vibes (I feel like that's the better option)

-I still can't connect with anyone I have a hard time relating I guess.


So the mystery is still insolvent but what I have so far is that I NEED meds. The only thing is I don't feel anything. Lemme explain: yesterday I consumed quite a lot of alcohol yet I didn't feel drunk (before DP I woulda been white girl wasted) and two weeks ago I took 40mg of adderall to study and I felt nothing what so ever (before DP I would have been high for a little bit and then I'd be in hyper-focus mode) idk what the deal is someone tell me I'll be okay and have proof to back it up please

[Kiya]

dunno but one thing is certain - you gotta not mix drugs and alcohol or street drugs. that will mess you up bad. You sound like a friend of mine who is also on Adderall but I don't see it helping her. only a trained professional can really tell you about meds, but maybe a mood stabilizer like lamictal or seroquil which I can never spell. drinking with lamictal will make you pretty sick. mind altering substances does NOT help with depersonalization. it intensifies the effects. I'd start there. Good luck.

[sickchick24]

Thanks kiya