[Lady Lindsey]

I am having a rough time coping since I lost my voices... it is just crazy all the time.... for those who don't know my history, here is a little bit of it before I explain what happened today..

Besides my trauma that caused my dissociation/depersonalization issues, a little over a year ago I was shot in the back of the head with a shot gun blast in a hunting accident, I am very lucky and very fortunate to be here... I am not in the least complaining... but I do have some PTSD issues from it. One issue I have is I can't sit my back against a window or open area... I also have issues from my childhood from my past regarding fear of being possessed by an evil spirit... so with all that being said.... let me tell you what happened today.

I suffer from constant headaches and some vision issues due to the accident, today I went to the Eye doctor, for more tests. They dilated my eyes and put me in an exam room and asked me to sit in a chair that the back was against a window... ummm not good.... on top of that it was thundering and lightening outside... ummm not good either.... So I sit in another chair until the doc comes in, they know my history of the accident , so I explain that I have a hard time with my back against a window... he says ok then we will make this as fast as we can. I am holding up pretty good, stiff and obviously anxious but wanting to get this over with..... then he has me looking in a mirror at the same time a lightening bolt and thunder strike behind me...... ummm even worse.... ......

This is what happens... I look in the mirror and see my eyes fully dilated at the same time the clap of thunder and lightening strike behind me.... all I see is evilness looking back at me and the noise, and the stress.... I literally freaked out, screamed at the top of my lungs and before I knew what was going on, I was curled up in a ball in the corner crying..... OMG how humiliating.. a 48 year old women behaving like that... I kept apologizing, they were looking at me like I was crazy.... they said they understood, but they didn't, I could see it in their eyes.... we have rescheduled the apt for next week..... Ughhhhhh!!!

I actually emailed my T about it, I normally wait until Friday to talk to her about this type of stuff... but this is a first and it was awful, terrible and humiliating! She has pretty strict boundaries, and I can email her but she does not respond until we discuss during session on Friday, and we have an agreement if it is an emergency, I call and make and appointment and she works me in for the day. Well the day is over, I don't want to bother her, and it would not constitute and emergency, but I am so freaked out by this whole thing.... when does this stop????
I can't take it anymore! When I had my voices, they helped me control this type of stuff, now I just have me and it just sucks... I don't want to be normal if this is normal! Does it ever go away???

[Travelinglady]

Oh, my, I am sorry that happened. Are you in therapy for your PTSD? That said, the thunder and lightening and the big eyes might concern me, too. You will be okay.

I do think you can get better. Also, does the doc have a room without a window or some other better environment for you?

[QuasiM0d0]

I am very sorry you are suffering so much. I understand that what you see is "real" for you at the moment but is there any way you can tell some part of your brain that.."This is not real"? Perhaps you may need to see an M.D. about this and not a Therapist.

Please hang in there....

Kind regards,
QuasiM0D0

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Oh, my, I am sorry that happened. Are you in therapy for your PTSD? That said, the thunder and lightening and the big eyes might concern me, too. You will be okay.

I do think you can get better. Also, does the doc have a room without a window or some other better environment for you?

Travelinglady,

Yes, the therapist I see works specifically with Complex PTSD and multiple issues along with evidence based practices... She started seeing me for the shooting and then the rest just came tumbling out... I really thought I could keep the rest a secret.. but she has been great and has been very supportive.
I drove right by her office on my way home and if I had stopped by, she would have found a way to work me in, because she knows I only come in or call in a true emergency... believe me I almost stopped by, but it was over and I can wait until Friday, unless I have another of these... We have been working on a serious childhood issue that seems to be getting mixed up with the shooting in my mind so thus why we think the multiple issues at once...

I was originally dx'd with DID 15 years ago, but she doesn't believe I meet all the criteria for DID and neither do I so I dissociate, but I don't have distinct personalities, closest I ever came is voices in my head, I loose time and go into a fog like state at times. The voices suddenly left about a month ago (shortly after my last head surgery, she thinks this may have done something as a nerve was severed during the surgery)... I have been having a hard time coping as they were how I coped....

The Eye Doctor is not aware of anything other than I have PTSD and will have me in a room without a window next week, thank heavens... I really think I freaked them out.

Thank you for your kind words of support

Originally Posted by QuasiM0d0

I am very sorry you are suffering so much. I understand that what you see is "real" for you at the moment but is there any way you can tell some part of your brain that.."This is not real"? Perhaps you may need to see an M.D. about this and not a Therapist.

Please hang in there....

Kind regards,
QuasiM0D0

Quasimodo,

I am seeing a MD, a Neurologist, an ENT, an Eye specialist and a therapist that specializes in complex trauma and Dissociation... I am just a plain mess!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and your kind words, I know Trigger posts can be scary to read and I appreciate both of you responding, it makes me not feel so alone