Wtf is wrong with me????

Idk who the **** I am!!! Like even as a kid when I didn't have this disorder I was still super weird like I didn't have a personality! I never talked and felt awkward playing pretend and it was hard for me to have fun. I'm the same way now except for I'm so numb to everything. Like idk what's funny it what's not funny I kinda just laugh at whatever to make conversations seem light but I can never put the positive in a situation and when I do it feels forced. I think about my disorder a lot especially on bad days. I do weird things like match my walking pace with peoples pace when they slow down so do I when they speed up I do too. My therapist pointed this out to me so I'm guessing it's weird to do that. I don't have my own intentions like idk what I feel like doing i could literally just lay in one spot and exist and that's all I really feel like I doing I don't have a purpose anymore. I can't form relationships with anyone bc I can't connect with myself or them. That's my main issue not connecting with myself I'm like a stranger to myself and instead of getting to know myself I ignore myself. I can't even say what I wanna say when I type this. It's so frustrating like all I wanna do is feel my emotions and know what my intentions are and go off of that!!! This isn't hard stuff but I've made it so complicated for myself. Oh and the weirdest part is I can't feel anything that I take!!!! Like I was on 300mg of Wellbutrin and never felt it. I snorted 40mg of adder all and didn't feel a thing! I wasn't anymore alert or energetic. When I drink I can take endless shots and still feel completely sober it pisses me off and kinda freaks me out like it just defies how things are supposed to work. I wanna be out on anti anxiety meds since anxiety is the root of depersonalization but I'm afraid I won't feel the effects and I'll be stuck in this rut forever.

When I was in the hospital two summers ago a very kind nurse told me to think of my issues as a mystery. I just need to find the clues to solve it. So I've been doing just that.

I have depersonalization disorder

I think it stems from being physically abided as a child. And when I was 15 my parents shaved my hair off while I was unconscious. That traumatic event particularly scarred me and I feel like that might have been when things really kicked off. But I also think that it started when I was 14. I ate a weed brownie by myself and I was a beginning smoker so I wasn't used to being high and that brownie got me STONED. I would have enjoyed it except for the fact that my parents were home and they scare me to death so I got super paranoid and I couldn't calm down so I rocked myself to sleep. After that day nothing really ever went back to looking normal it looked like I was buzzed off of pot but I didn't feel buzzed. I wasn't detached tho I could still feel my emotions and I knew who I was and I wasn't uncomfortable. Then at 16 I went to a concert and smoked what I think was spice (synthetic weed) right after taking my first hit I passed out. I could hear everyone around me and I could see them too they took me out of the crowd and then I experienced my first out if body experience. I could see myself flailing my arms around as they later me on a bench I couldn't control my body movements. As I waved my arms around uncontrollably, eyes still closed, I saw streaks of blue and red and white attached to every arm motion. I eventually got back into my consciousness but when I did I felt soooo out of it. Like I didn't really feel anything. At all actually. Everything was mindless and kinda pointless. A year later is when hell started I was fully blown depersonalized and I had no idea what was going on. Everyone thought I was on hard core drugs bc I would walk around looking really confused and my actions probably made no sense.

What it's like right now:
-there's this constant sense of fear like I have something to be scared about or something to worry about. Like I'm afraid of life itself even when I'm just laying down in bed it's like there's something scary about it but there's really nothin to be afraid of
-I don't know the right way to think. Like do I actually speak to myself in my head or do I stay silent and let myself feel the vibes (I feel like that's the better option)
-I still can't connect with anyone I have a hard time relating I guess.

So the mystery is still insolvent but what I have so far is that I NEED meds. The only thing is I don't feel anything. Lemme explain: yesterday I consumed quite a lot of alcohol yet I didn't feel drunk (before DP I woulda been white girl wasted) and two weeks ago I took 40mg of adderall to study and I felt nothing what so ever (before DP I would have been high for a little bit and then I'd be in hyper-focus mode) idk what the deal is someone tell me I'll be okay and have proof to back it up please