What is this

Today during session something happened while I was going over types of alters. When I got to the little ones I felt like I was rising up from the couch. I felt very light headed and talking became very light like I didn't have enough air to get the words out. It feels trances like. I can't think of another way to explain it. This same thing happened to me during a session a few weeks ago. What is that?

unfortunately we can not tell you what this is with in you, only you and your treatment providers can say what this is in you...

in me my treatment providers call this by many different names depending upon other accompanying symptoms...psychosis, hallucination, delusion, panic attack, anxiety, stress, sleep deprivation, lack of food, medication problem...gosh there are so many different things that can make me feel like what you posted.

again only you and your treatment providers can say what this is in you. my suggestion is tell your treatment provider what happened so you and they can work out what it is and then you will be able to find a way so that it doesnt happen again.

Thanks for responding. It wasn't psychosis, hallucination delusion, sleep deprivation, lack of food or medication. It could have been panic but I didn't feel a pain in my chest or like I had to run. Also my heart rate didn't go up. No fight or flight. It could have been anxiety or stress sense I was talking about little ones. But it didn't feel like either. I did not feel afraid, I did feel like I was completely in my head, that I was going to float up and maybe sleep. My eyes kept closing. I had to fight to keep them open and continue reading what I was reading. I didn't feel fear just like I was drifting away.

panic attacks dont always have to be accompanied by chest pain. example sometimes when I have a panic attack its just a feeling of being extremely scared. other times in me its a dizzy light headed feeling, sometimes its not being able to speak so I speak in almost a whisper, sometimes its a tingling in my hands, sometimes its holding my breath and I dont realize Im doing it until I get dizzy. sometimes it doesnt feel like Im afraid, sometimes its just a heart thumping moment for me...my point is there are many different ways a person can have a panic attack. maybe you can check with your doctors or a doctor near you because there are also many medical conditions that can have the symptoms you wrote about. your treatment providers or one near you would best be the ones to help you with diagnosing this kind of thing.

I am having a physical in two weeks so if there is anything wrong with my physical health I should find out. I appreciate you sharing the different ways you experience a panic attack. But for me it wasn't a panic attack. I think I was dissociating in a way I might have when I was little. Later on in the night I realized that I have felt this way before and that it had something to do with my father.

Claritytoo, when I get the feeling that you described, it means I am dissociating -- in particular, depersonalization. That is what I do too -- I float up and backwards from my body and feel separated. I used to get panicked for air when this happened because I didn't know what was happening and it felt weird, but now that I've been aware of what is going on I am not as afraid of it. Now I try to ask inside what were we feeling or doing that would cause me to dissociate?
Hope that helps...

Yes, I will try to keep in mind to ask us what is happening when we feel like that. I have been taken by surprise by the feeling and have pushed through it not thinking about stopping and asking what's going on. Thanks. I will try that.

I do wonder what would happen if I just let myself go into the depersonalized state. Would I still know where I was? Would I be able to come back? All that runs through my head.

only you know the answers to these questions based on how depersonalization affects you.

what I can say is that when I wasnt integrated I could tell when I was going through my depersonalization (feeling numb, spacy foggy minded, like a watcher not a participant, like I was moving either too slow or too fast, like my limbs were numb/non feeling...)

now that Im integrated I can still tell when I am having depersonalization symptoms.

Both before I was integrated and after I was able to use the grounding tools that my therapist and I came up with to help me to feel more connected, less foggy /spacy,.. one of my grounding activities is rowing my canoe around the lake and another is taking a walk, smelling apples and cinnamon...

maybe you can talk with your or a treatment provider near you that can help you to figure out what your depersonalization symptoms are and how to reground yourself so that you dont have to worry so much about it.

forgot to add my alters each had their own ways to ground their self when they were feeling depersonalization (foggy /spacy/numbness, ....) Rainy would ccurl up with her doll and blanket, sunny loved to be out in the sunshine, thelma would put on perfume and make up.....each of these made them feel better and more grounded when they were in control of the body.

My t wants me to watch what a screen when this happens so I can remain in the present. But when this depersonalization happens I have switched and the one in charge is the little one who is floating. Who would be watching the screen if the only one out is the little one? I don't know how to do that.

As a child, I would dissociate by floating up to the ceiling.
Not sure about the screen thing - I've heard of it, but no t has tried it with me. I guess, practice? Good luck!

the ones watching the screen are the ones not in control of the body. like watching but not participating. most if not all people with DID already have this automatic dissociative skill. its part of depersonalization diagnostic criteria. maybe you can talk with your treatment provider some more and they can clarify what they want you to do. and how in some ways you may already be doing this without actually paying attention to it.

examples....

sometimes on rare occasions, when rainy was in control of my body I or another alter could see what rainy was doing, kind of foggy like though. my therapist called this watching the screen.

I have not heard of the screen -- how does it work?
Sometimes when I feel dissociation coming on I can catch it and stay in the present if I start noticing physical sensations around me. It happens often at the store so I focus on the grocery cart, the cold metal, etc. Is it a grounding sort of thing like that?

Empress, from what I have been taught, it is to use when memories come up- to put them on a screen or TV where one can watch them from afar and not as if we are actually reliving them (like flashbacks). In theory, on the screen -or especially TV- one can make the image smaller, or black and white, mute the sound, or even change the channel. Of course I don't know what it is like for Clarity.

it works differently for different people...

for some it means using the therapeutic exercise of using imagination/visualization exercise of deep relaxation then using your imagination that you are watching a movie screen (as if you have gone to a movie theater) and watch portions of your life play on the screen in a non emotional way so that you can effectively discuss and work out the problems associated with that event unfolding on the screen.

for others its a metaphor for being in a dissociated state of mind where you are coconscious with an alter... the alter is in control of the body but the ones not in control can still see through to what is going on outside the body too. some people call this state of mind back seat driving, cloudy veil, like watching a movie, watching but not participating.