[Rhapsody]

I posted this issue in the sexual thread at first,but know have decided to post in here as it has to do with my DID and I need some help in this area now. Hope any one reading this stays safe.

While my husband and I have our ups and downs, as any 30 year marriage is going to have, we do seem to still love each other and work at loving each other still....... but having DID he still does one thing I wish he would give up or at least hide from me better as it always triggers my deepest darkest most clinically depressed alter out of me when I find out and then all hell breaks loose.

My husband still looks at PORN!!
which in turn leaves us feeling unwanted, rejected, replaced (childhood fear)

__________

How am I to remain in a life with this man if this one thing he seems to need for his broken self is a danger to me? --maybe life and death feelings at times.

How can I truly TRUST a man that gives in more to his selfish needs than to the needs of the woman he is supposed to love? --dont I matter?

Why does he no longer want to have sex and yet he can still look at porn? --whats wrong with me ..... have I become that ugly after 30 years together?

*sigh* does he still LOVE ME or is he just afraid to be alone after all these year? --do I stay or do I go? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

I posted this issue in the sexual thread at first,but know have decided to post in here as it has to do with my DID and I need some help in this area now. Hope any one reading this stays safe.

While my husband and I have our ups and downs, as any 30 year marriage is going to have, we do seem to still love each other and work at loving each other still....... but having DID he still does one thing I wish he would give up or at least hide from me better as it always triggers my deepest darkest most clinically depressed alter out of me when I find out and then all hell breaks loose.

My husband still looks at PORN!!
which in turn leaves us feeling unwanted, rejected, replaced (childhood fear)

__________

How am I to remain in a life with this man if this one thing he seems to need for his broken self is a danger to me? --maybe life and death feelings at times.

How can I truly TRUST a man that gives in more to his selfish needs than to the needs of the woman he is supposed to love? --dont I matter?

Why does he no longer want to have sex and yet he can still look at porn? --whats wrong with me ..... have I become that ugly after 30 years together?

*sigh* does he still LOVE ME or is he just afraid to be alone after all these year? --do I stay or do I go? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

only you can answer these questions as they pertain to you and your life.....that said if I was answering these same questions about my life and my wife....

obviously I am going to stay with her. I didtn up and leave when I first found out about the porn and I have stuck with this person even after knowing about the porn. someone who is going to leave their spouse over porn doesnt stick around. they give the ultimatum and then follow through if it is this important to them that its affecting my life.

does the person using porn love me, are they trust worthy and selfish...my opinion... using porn isnt any more selfish then someone touching their self in the shower or bath, bedroom, choosing their own clothes, bath or shower, religion, politics, make up or anything else a human being uses to help them to feel better in some way, men are not the only ones that use porn/masturbate. when my wife and I were in couples therapy due to this exact problem and my sexual related problems she explained to me porn is just a means to accomplishing something that may not be accomplished other wise at that moment. no one knows when their body is going to react in a sexual way and sometimes the only way to fix that problem is solo action.

why does the other want porn and cant have sex...porn is not real. its scripted sex acted out by actors (not talking about child porn, illegal porn, I am talking about the regulated licensed porn business). this enables a person to day dream, fantasize, help their self along to achieve their physical and mental goal during masturbation. like I found out meant sex ed classes are not teaching its perfectly fine to read the play boys, play girls, watch erotic material. its illegal to posses child porn in many USA states but watching adult porn is not illegal in most USA states. my therapist even encouraged my wife's using porn because there were just somethings at times I could not do for her at that moment. she was able to take care of her own needs during those times.

my wife using porn didnt trigger me into dissociating into an alter (DID) it worked the opposite for me. sometimes during sex I would dissociate and not remember what happened once I was in my aware state of mind. therefore this caused me to not want to have sex when I was aware, I mean why bother if I was only going to switch into my sexualized alter and not glean any of the memories/feelings/ and emotions from that sexual act, might as well not do anything at all. my wife using porn was a way that allowed me to not have to perform sex so my DID triggered (not switch into an alter).

over time my wife and I talked about sex, what she got from using porn, setting up rules and a safe word so that I could have sex but stop when ever I would start dissociating and we both now use porn when ever we feel the need to do so with out worrying that the other partner is going to hold bad thoughts against the one masturbating and using porn, we even watch porn together sometimes and talk about whether we want to add something we see to enhance/spice up our sex life.

masturbating is something that is completely normal even babies and children not aware of sex touch their self and make their self feel good like this, its only after they have been taught to dont do that, by their parents that masturbation becomes taboo in someones mind. some people use romance novels like Danielle Steele, Harold Robbins, Nancy Friday, E.L. James ( 50 shades of grey and 50 shades darker are real popular around here and my favorites) melissa Brayden.....some people use porn (playboy/play girl magazines or the internet)

just a side note to those who may use or consider using porn for their self or their partners to take a break from sex and dissociating during sex ...check with your locations laws. each state has their own laws on where they stand on porn issues. example here in NY it is legal to watch porn possess romance novels, adult porn magazines and adult porn movies but you cant distribute it to minors. porn in NY is covered by the first amendment law.

[jelly-bean]

You are in a difficult place right now and you and your husband might want to consider giving couples therapy a try. All long term marriages run into problems but if you work together maybe you can get past this one together.

[Rhapsody]

And IF he will not do couples therapy with me...... then what?
I have asked him, but never got a reply, just silence.