[Rainydaiz]

*possible trigger*
I've been in therapy for about 5 years now. Anxiety/depression but most of the work has been around attachment with my t. In June I told her about a minor incident that happened with my doctor when I was little which left me feeling extremely shamed and disgusted with myself. (He put a stamp of a naked man on my hand and pointed out the names of the body parts but used a non medical term for the genitals). In September I had an emotional flashback triggered by my t saying the word the doctor had used. (I have posted about this before). From June to December I have really struggled emotionally, couldn't face socialising, was drinking far more than normal ( I rarely drink) and just a mess. Lots of night terrors too. Then I seemed to shut it down and have been stable since Christmas. I've been quite happy. During that time I suspected I might have been sexually abused; possibly by the doctor but have been worried it's about my dad as I can't bear to be near him and I freak if he touches me in any way. I have no memories of this. Since I shut down again at Christmas it feels like I'll never know what happened and I'll never have another flashback. Also I've not been as bothered by it and far fewer night terrors.
On wed I saw my t and I'd briefly mentioned the possibility of sexual abuse again as I'd had a few dreams about it whilst she was on holiday. Then we were talking about my attachment to her and I happened to say something about being upset that she wasn't my mum. She said, 'no' as if to say , you're right I'm not your mum. Then something weird happened which was similar to the flashback I had. I seemed to regress completely into my child part and it totally freaked me out. It was as if I WAS her, the little girl. I was saying some of the things I usually say in my night terrors- I don't like it, I want it to stop, I'm sorry, I don't want it...' I was desperate to get back to adult and not be her. I was able to cry out for my t to make it stop. My t was trying to ground me and asked me my name - I gave her my child name that we use, how old I was, I said 7 and she seemed surprised because I think she was trying to get me back so she said how old is the adult me and my little one said 41, then asking me sums but they were too hard for me. Eventually she managed to ground me again. It took ages. I was extremely scared when I was in it. She was being firm with me trying to ground me and I couldn't bear it, I kept saying 'please don't be cross with me' and I was terrified she was cross with me. She was saying she wasn't cross. Part of the scare when I was in the little me was that I felt out of control and the felt like I didn't want to be her and wanted to get back to adult but couldn't. It has left me quite shaken. However it was nowhere near as scary as my flashback in September. I told a colleague about it the day after and when I had told her my teeth wouldn't stop chattering. So this is what I'm curious to know- has anything similar happened to anyone here? Do you think it's another flashback or just a regression into little me? Could it happen again? What the hell is going on? Is it symptomatic of PTSD? Any light shed would be gratefully received. Many thanks.

[kaliope]

has your t talked to you about the possibility for dissociative identity disorder because that very much sounds like you had a little, a child alter come out. it happens to me many times in therapy, mostly a six year old and a 16 year old that is suicidal and hates living. they come out and talk to my therapist all the time. it is very important to have a therapist who specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders to get proper treatment. i spent three years with a doc that said it was going on and did nothing to treat it or my ptsd and it only managed to increase my anxiety so much i could barely function. now working with a specialist and letting these parts of me talk i am finally putting together to pieces of my past and feeling safer in life.

It sounds like you may have DID. do you have a pdoc you could ask about diagnosis with?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

*possible trigger*
I've been in therapy for about 5 years now. Anxiety/depression but most of the work has been around attachment with my t. In June I told her about a minor incident that happened with my doctor when I was little which left me feeling extremely shamed and disgusted with myself. (He put a stamp of a naked man on my hand and pointed out the names of the body parts but used a non medical term for the genitals). In September I had an emotional flashback triggered by my t saying the word the doctor had used. (I have posted about this before). From June to December I have really struggled emotionally, couldn't face socialising, was drinking far more than normal ( I rarely drink) and just a mess. Lots of night terrors too. Then I seemed to shut it down and have been stable since Christmas. I've been quite happy. During that time I suspected I might have been sexually abused; possibly by the doctor but have been worried it's about my dad as I can't bear to be near him and I freak if he touches me in any way. I have no memories of this. Since I shut down again at Christmas it feels like I'll never know what happened and I'll never have another flashback. Also I've not been as bothered by it and far fewer night terrors.
On wed I saw my t and I'd briefly mentioned the possibility of sexual abuse again as I'd had a few dreams about it whilst she was on holiday. Then we were talking about my attachment to her and I happened to say something about being upset that she wasn't my mum. She said, 'no' as if to say , you're right I'm not your mum. Then something weird happened which was similar to the flashback I had. I seemed to regress completely into my child part and it totally freaked me out. It was as if I WAS her, the little girl. I was saying some of the things I usually say in my night terrors- I don't like it, I want it to stop, I'm sorry, I don't want it...' I was desperate to get back to adult and not be her. I was able to cry out for my t to make it stop. My t was trying to ground me and asked me my name - I gave her my child name that we use, how old I was, I said 7 and she seemed surprised because I think she was trying to get me back so she said how old is the adult me and my little one said 41, then asking me sums but they were too hard for me. Eventually she managed to ground me again. It took ages. I was extremely scared when I was in it. She was being firm with me trying to ground me and I couldn't bear it, I kept saying 'please don't be cross with me' and I was terrified she was cross with me. She was saying she wasn't cross. Part of the scare when I was in the little me was that I felt out of control and the felt like I didn't want to be her and wanted to get back to adult but couldn't. It has left me quite shaken. However it was nowhere near as scary as my flashback in September. I told a colleague about it the day after and when I had told her my teeth wouldn't stop chattering. So this is what I'm curious to know- has anything similar happened to anyone here? Do you think it's another flashback or just a regression into little me? Could it happen again? What the hell is going on? Is it symptomatic of PTSD? Any light shed would be gratefully received. Many thanks.

short version this can be just about any mental or physical or normal problem. if you googled your symptoms you would find billions upon billions of things this could be. unfortunately we can not tell you what this is is you (make a diagnosis) for that you will need to contact a treatment provider in your off line location.. can this happen again only you and your treatment provider can say that. with some people yes and with other no.

my suggestion if this continues to bother contact your or a treatment provider ie a psychiatrist, medical docor or other mental health treatment provider.

I spend some evenings talking to my alters, and I came across Bobby, a 7 year old who said that "he was scared" and didn't want to come out to talk to any other person, ever. He had a small timid voice. I felt so small and scared and the world so big. It didn't last long, but long enough to know that it was real.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by kaliope

has your t talked to you about the possibility for dissociative identity disorder because that very much sounds like you had a little, a child alter come out. it happens to me many times in therapy, mostly a six year old and a 16 year old that is suicidal and hates living. they come out and talk to my therapist all the time. it is very important to have a therapist who specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders to get proper treatment. i spent three years with a doc that said it was going on and did nothing to treat it or my ptsd and it only managed to increase my anxiety so much i could barely function. now working with a specialist and letting these parts of me talk i am finally putting together to pieces of my past and feeling safer in life.

Thanks for this. My t has spoken about me dissociating and she knows a lot about dissociation. She has thought for a long time that I dissociate, but only in that I go off sometimes when we're talking and I don't know what I've been thinking about. This only happened to me this week though so we've not had much chance to discuss it and now we are both away. I saw a book on her desk when I was there this time about splitting and wondered if she had got that because of me. I don't know how much she is a trauma specialist, but she has told me that her specialism is dissociation. So I guess the two are intertwined. This has been a relatively new aspect of my therapy so needs some discussion. It has only come up since last June and really September when I had that flashback. Then nothing till now. The little me part is often discussed/referred to. It's the first time that I completely felt I was her and kind of lost my adult self -she was still there but I couldn't find my way back to her. We have a toy that represents little me that we bring in to therapy, though I hate her. So I guess we are beginning to work on this.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

It sounds like you may have DID. do you have a pdoc you could ask about diagnosis with?

Thanks for this. I don't think our system works the same way in the UK. I guess I would have to go to my GP and ask for a referral but I would feel a complete fool because most of the time I am functioning pretty well. I pay privately for my t and ts here are not usually linked to the NHS. It's a. It confusing. I think I will ask. Y t directly next time if she thinks I might have DID. And if I need referring. We don't need a diagnosis here to get therapy. Thanks for your reply.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I spend some evenings talking to my alters, and I came across Bobby, a 7 year old who said that "he was scared" and didn't want to come out to talk to any other person, ever. He had a small timid voice. I felt so small and scared and the world so big. It didn't last long, but long enough to know that it was real.

Thank you for this. It helped when you said 'long enough to know it was real.'

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

short version this can be just about any mental or physical or normal problem. if you googled your symptoms you would find billions upon billions of things this could be. unfortunately we can not tell you what this is is you (make a diagnosis) for that you will need to contact a treatment provider in your off line location.. can this happen again only you and your treatment provider can say that. with some people yes and with other no.

my suggestion if this continues to bother contact your or a treatment provider ie a psychiatrist, medical docor or other mental health treatment provider.

Thank you

[Fuzzybear]