[finding_my_way]

Hi. I have had dissociative episodes my entire life from derealization and depersonalization to a mix of those plus other types. In childhood, I was dissociated a lot of the time but didn't realize it until I got older when I became more aware of things.

I had a lot of types of trauma. Some I have partial memories of, none at all, and some I do have memories of. I remember basic things like friends, school, and what my houses looked like but not a lot about the people I lived with outside of the fact of knowing I was related to them and in general how they were. I am not sure how much the average person remembers of their family, daily life in childhood, etc. But I did have normal times in between the traumatic times as well.

In childhood, I recall having what I believe were alters. I have always referred to them as 'others.' I talked to them and spent more time alone than with friends at times because I was more comfortable and felt safer. I remember some times with the alters/voices, etc. including a day where one of them took away all the bad memories.

As I got older, I experienced several years of more dissociation and voices with more clearly defined alters. They rarely 'took over' and seemed to be more internal unless I just wasn't aware. I have never blacked out where I had days or weeks where I didn't remember. But I have had many instances where I do not recall large chunks of times 100% where things are incredibly hazy or after the dissociation stops, I don't recall much during that period of time.

I have experienced more of what I would say is a blending of alters where I am not 100% myself but neither are they, etc. and it becomes hard for any of them to know who they are and for me to know who I am because it's so entangled.

I struggled with anorexia for a few years and then got necessary treatment after which things seemed to have quieted down inside a lot. Years later, I have had a return of some dissociation with them (voices, blending, etc.), but not near as much as it used to be. I was wondering if it is possible to have that happen where things can just be kind of more quiet and stable internally for a long period of time?

I have been with a psychiatrist for 10 years but have not done much work with her because she says that things internally need to be more open and willing or else it could cause more issues. She has suggested hypnotherapy at some point when I am ready to try to remember some of the things I do not. But I am unsure if that is safe or even effective.

When I get stressed, my symptoms get bad, sometimes to the degree that I almost hallucinate and become paranoid on top of the dissociation and the alters stirring again. It confuses and terrifies me, and there is really not as much awareness or communication between them as there was. Years ago, I used to have a very loud head with a lot of chatter all the time, voices I could hear, sometimes almost being able to see the others, or feel shifts in ages, genders, etc. but do not have that much anymore. I do not know if it means some parts of healed because maybe they were not even that separated to start with. There are just a lot of things I have thought about for a while but am hesitant to bring up with my psychiatrist.

When I do not experience dissociation in those ways, I can kind of 'forget' that it happens to the severity it does, so I am less likely to talk about it until it happens again which reminds me of just how bad it can be.

Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) findingmyway. I am so sorry you are suffering from dissociative episodes. There are other people that have found ways of coping with dissociation. One point I hear often is to choose a therapist that specializes in dissociative disorders and can prescribe meds that help stabilize the situation.

PC has helped me find other people that can empathize with me and help provide insights and info. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

Glad you are joining us here. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[sideblinded]

Hi finding_my_my

Welcome to PC. I am glad that you found us. Thanks for sharing your story. We also have forums on PTSD and survivors of abuse.

The site has some great features to include a community calendar with weekly announcements.It also has a resource center.It takes a little while for your first 5 posts to appear as they are being evaluated. Browse the numerous forums and *social groups (*need to join) and post when and where you feel comfortable. If you need any help in navigating this site feel free to contact a community liaison or moderator. Best wishes.

Hi finding my way. Wow can I relate. I'm DiD but didn't know it. Im also a military brat so thought my not remembering chunks of time was due to all the moving around we did. Didn't know about alters either. When I was in labor with my first child, I remember waking up and the doctor was staring out the window of my room. He looked at me and said "u have an interesting way of dealing with pain." Remember thinking: it hurt, I went away, is it over yet. I like the way u describe blending. What's the perfect word. It's true for us that we had long periods of time with no dissociation. Largely cuz there was no reason to dissociate. We felt in control of our life. Well, perhaps I should reword that. No long periods of dissociation. I think, don't know, that perhaps we had short times when alters would come out but it wasn't disruptive of our lives except perhaps lost keys or some task done. But thought those were autopilot stuff. Like driving home from work + not really remembering every turn. Glad u r here. Hope u post often.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by cavaliers

Hi finding my way. Wow can I relate. I'm DiD but didn't know it. Im also a military brat so thought my not remembering chunks of time was due to all the moving around we did. Didn't know about alters either. When I was in labor with my first child, I remember waking up and the doctor was staring out the window of my room. He looked at me and said "u have an interesting way of dealing with pain." Remember thinking: it hurt, I went away, is it over yet. I like the way u describe blending. What's the perfect word. It's true for us that we had long periods of time with no dissociation. Largely cuz there was no reason to dissociate. We felt in control of our life. Well, perhaps I should reword that. No long periods of dissociation. I think, don't know, that perhaps we had short times when alters would come out but it wasn't disruptive of our lives except perhaps lost keys or some task done. But thought those were autopilot stuff. Like driving home from work + not really remembering every turn. Glad u r here. Hope u post often.

thanks for replying. i haven't talked much about it with people because finding the words is difficult and not knowing really how to talk about it. also, when i'm not experiencing dissociation, it doesn't seem 'real' so is no reason to talk about it, i guess.

I think I think😁 it's important to know what happened during those times. I remember a friend who had just lost his father reminiscing about something they had done together at 5 years old. Couldn't believe he actually 'remembered'.