Can't take it ( trigger warning )

4 months with this and I just can't keep going. I've always been a strong person but I can't do it. I don't even know if this is DP anyways, it feels farther than that.

I basically obsessed my way into DP from trauma and OCD. I went through a hard couple months before the onset, and I've always been a deep thinker and over analytical. It's as if DP has made me "figure it all out". I look at people now as just mammals and nothing more, I'm extremely existentially obsessed to where just thinking about existence makes me nauseous. I used to have it all. Good job, good family. I don't even know how to love anymore. And I'm losing my job. And I'm almost completely lost my identity. I'm on a horrible sleeping schedule where I basically sleep the entire day away. I'm losing so much weight I'm growing weak and look borderline anorexic.

This hyper awareness of reality and existence is just terrible. I can literally feel reality and existence.. I notice it with every waking moment. Constantly in panic because I'm alive and in reality. I can't even cry anymore, because as soon as I even feel emotion the thought of existence and the absurdity of it all follows right behind it and shuts off my emotions. I've lost my faith because of this. Everything is pointless and absurd.

I know there is no going back. My life is over. I just see the way of the world now that no man should... I used to be so happy. I feel like I'm in some kind of horrible game. I feel like this is all just an illusion and it never stops getting worse. Throw a little bit of solipsism in there and I'm at my worst nightmare. Where did everything go wrong... I'm not psychotic but at this point I just can't help but the think this is all just a horrible game being played on me. Or maybe I just have a irresistible glitch in my conscious where I cannot live. I want to live, but I can't keep living like this. I've been stripped of everything. From happiness, to emotions, to my own reality. The air around me makes me uncomfortable, everything I look at because existence is just so scary and absurd.
The life I once loved is a life no more. And I mourn myself and my old life everyday.
Thank you everyone for your help. And please try to enjoy your life.

I'm sorry Hun, MI is such a life robber, and can be quite the worst if it comes on later in life, robbing it's victim of a sense of security and sanity.

At this late stage of the game, I just say that this is what it is, and go with it because I was born this way, but I can't say that I can fully understand your dilemma. Thank you for sharing sweety and that things get better with you. I'm so sorry.

I had a similar realization around the time my DID was unraveling. I didn't know I was DID than. I began to realize that most all people function out of fear. Fear of not having, not being loved, not getting etc. But I believe most everyone's fear can be traced to their fear of death. Realizing my mortality was destabilizing at first, but through taking to a friend and reading I understood that realizing my mortality makes me think more clearly about what it important to me. I realized that I don't need to get anywhere. That my reason for existence is to live and learn, and that is all. I am lucky to be alive. I can not change the reality of my mortality so I will not waste time dwelling on it. I let my friends and family know that I love them, I spend more time at the beach and read more. I have even started painting. It all feels right. It's life. I hope some of my thoughts help.

Thank you guys

is there anyway you can get yourself inpatient and get stable? look at meds or med changes, get your weight stabilized and your reality stabilized? It may not be what you want to hear, but it's really not (often) the worst thing in the world. Sometimes we just need that stability until we can stand on our own again.

Have you talked with your therapist or possibly an option is inpatient to get stabilized. You sound very desperate. Life is worth living and you can overcome this....