DID vs Caring for ill Parent TRIGGER

parent being one of our abusers

it's just... she had knee surgery and i'm caring a lot for her...
changing the ice pack over the knee with clean pillowcases inbetween for protection from both cold and germs..., putting on and taking off compression stockings (washing them out - once it was bloody),
and having been abused by her when I was an infant - I fought back (and won) against her and my dad's mom as well in the same year when I was three, when my first alter emerged (rather she fought). So it is really hard to be near THAT area whne working and helpting mom. sorry- typing gets bad when I get trigger.
plus she had *burn with embarrassment*. and there were men in the isle and men working the counter and men workers in the isle and I couldn't ask them where that medicated cream was... and we panicked.
so everyday I am steeling myself to put up with BOTH her demands and the triggers of seeing her mostly naked and working with her leg. Same in the hospital when she would sit up to get up and her gown would fall open in back all the way or whatever. It's hard. and it's hard to talk about and feel believed (that it's a problem).
when I am working, I can feel the kids trying to pull the body away from her.... "too close too close!!!" they say....

I'm sorry Kiya...I know how you feel. You're such a strong persons to be able to do this. I haven't talked to the father figure in years. Please be safe and be well.

kiya I take it you are co conscious with your alters (reason I say that is because you are aware of your alters, are aware of how they are feeling and what they are doing.)

an interesting thing about DID is that the alters are created to handle what we could not as children. part of an alters creation and job, purpose for being created is so that the child can continue functioning just like normal with out having to deal with triggering things because of the abuses and emotions from the abuses...

that means somewhere inside there is an alter that can handle what ever you can not and what ever is triggering you, even things that have to do with memories of past abuse, dealing with being near abusers and such.

my suggestion is ask inside for the one who's job, purpose reason for being is to hold those trauma filled memories and to deal with being near the abusers.

since you are co conscious this should bring that alter that can help you with this closer to the surface so that you can function just as if nothing happened to you at all by this parent that abused you as a child, you will be able to take care of your mother with out being triggered and such.

another suggestion since taking care of your parent is so traumatizing to you maybe you can contact your parents insurance and find out which aids\caretakers your mothers insurance will pay for and turn over the traumatizing parts of caring for your mom over to a home health care worker. rather than you doing it yourself.

another suggestion contact a church and your\your parents neighbors. theres usually someone in the community that is willing to help out new parents, the handicapped and elderly with home health care and other things.

in todays world no one needs to do things all by their self. theres always someone somewhere willing to help others, you just have to know how to find them.

another suggestion find out who your mothers friends are, then contact them to be the good daughter just letting them know your mother had knee surgery. theres bound to be someone saying things like " if you need anything just tell me and Ill be right over) let them know you need help caring for your mothers health issues.

thank you
that's pretty much what i'm doing - I am the one doing the care-taking... of her and of my littles....
I am getting help for her for pt; I tried to get her shower help, but she is still able to make her own decisions.
as for friends, she doesn't have close friends - only acquaintances. and her bf. I am trying to get her to have her bf take care of that... but I almost gave in today because she hadn't gotten a shower - i'm not sure I can hold that boundary tomorrow. :/
I'm noticing that I'm starting to side with her and protect her on issues.... definite back-sliding for me.
Am trying to see if people from the Senior Center can just come and be with her so I don't have to... I feel that I'm caving.

((((((((( Kiya )))))))))

I feel bad for you. My father was my abuser and when he was sick at his home, than dying in the hospital I had nothing to do with him. Nothing. When he died I went to the funeral. I have no intention to ever visit his grave. I owed him nothing. Not one fking thing. Just a thought.

(((((Clarity)))))) As will be the case with my own father. I've not spoken to him in 9 years. I'm not even sure his wife will tell me when he dies or let me know where he's buried. Nor do I care.
Mom's just a different case... with enmeshed boundaries and so forth - and was the safest family member in some respects, so it gets confusing. At least now she's wearing clothes. As she's becoming more capable, I am there less often (and more irritable when I am there).

no, you certainly don't owe him anything. period.

I hope I wasn't too harsh. I also help my mom and would visit her from time to time. She was a violent person but she was the only adult in my life when I was little. I know she made some decisions to protect us from my father. And for that I was always grateful. She recently passed at the age of 93. My older, and younger sister and myself cared for her for several months before she passed. I thought I owed her that. I thought your decision to help your mom wasn't yours. I misunderstood. I under stand making a conscious decision to care for someone who was often cruel. We had a difficult time going to the house we grew up in to help her, but we put that aside, helped my mom and when done left. Everyone was ok with that. But I could never have stayed there at that house for a great length of time. A couple of hours and we were gone. Again didn't mean to be harsh. Maybe a little triggered by the subject. I am glad things are getting better. Take care.

So for me I shouldn't have anything to do with my mom, she does have paranoid schizophrenia and one of my Alters feels the need to help when needed. Others could care less. My father figure however, none of us will speak to him no, not ever.. I'm really mixed about my mom, my T says its trauma bonding..
Some of us feel it hurts her more to be nice to her rather than just ignore..
I don't know it's just a bad subject for us....

Completely understandable Likewise, my mom made SOME good choices on my behalf... she also made some she still doesn't understand were abuse. She doesn't know what she did was wrong. :/

But anyway, yeah, I am spending less time there and my body is usually the one telling me to go home: MIGRAINE! I am also into the habit now of making sure I am doing the things that are for ME: being home in time to water in that cooler time between 7pm and dark. And now I am going on walks in the night because my insiders want to. Today I thought would be hard with no time limits (and 102 degree heat - I don't have a/c). I was there from 11:30- 7pm. WAAAAAAY too long, but she could tell I was swapping out and went upstairs to let me be alone (WOW!). I didn't have to touch her today - was there at the same time as PT and she put the compression stockings on mom for me because it's been hurting my wrist (tendonitis). Meeting the PT was interesting after having had convos with her by phone and text. I was super nervous, but she just breezed in and did what she always does. There were several triggers (overheard) and I kept trying to leave, but pt kept drawing me into the conversation. AWKWARD.

Also understandable. Please take good care of yourself!

mom is clearly something - but undiagnosed. The one word that is ALWAYS used about her from every t I've seen is "narcissistic".
That "trauma bonded" is interesting - I will have to research that. Wonder if that is like Stockholm Syndrome. It hurts me to be nice to my mom because I know it's an act. And I feel guilt about that. There is a part of me that really does care when push comes to shove, and that part will advocate for her and such.
Tomorrow I will have to make strong boundaries. And I AM taking sunday off. First day off away from mom since the 14th. Most I've seen of her since I moved away in 2010.

I was reading about this on healing-arts.org wow the section on why trauma bonds form it talks about "traumatic attachment" very interesting has a lot to do with dissociation. Hmm..

I've been getting a lot of body memory pain- unsure if it is related to working with mom or if this is an anniversary that only my body knows. I've never been co-conscience enough to track these times. Maybe u can start now. It's very possible it dates back to being 12.
But it is also possible that it is mom related since I have it before going to her house. Today I set the boundary at 3 hours. (Which I'm losing track of time and need to get ready).
I am looking up that link- thanks!

kiya I dont remember if you are located in the USA or not. in your post you stated...

That "trauma bonded" is interesting - I will have to research that. Wonder if that is like Stockholm Syndrome.

all countries and languages have their own definition. here in america / USA yes trauma bonded is the same thing as Stockholm Syndrome. short version it means a person who has been abused\traumatized in a way that they felt they could not get free, or held captive by someone attaches to that abuser, cares about that abuser, and in some cases falls in love with that abuser.

some locations call it trauma bonding, some locations call it captive bonding, ...there are many different terms for this depending upon ones own location and culture.

thanks - yeah, I'm up on my research now.
Part -I am sure- is that when I was a kid under 5, child protective services came to our house twice, eventually sending out a social worker to actually - ok I should put in a trigger warning
But after "4 or 5 times" of these sessions, it did "cure tantrums", aka broke my spirit and set in motion further DID splitting and allowed our boundaries to become enmeshed. I'm still a fighter... just sometimes it's FOR her instead of me.
The bonding makes sense. Frustrating... especially because it is bonded in alter form.
Yesterday I was there only 3.5 hours - today I had off completely and was afraid to call when I was done with my stuff, in fear that she'd call me in before her bf got there.
I hate that i'm afraid of my mom at nearly 40 years old, and hate that sometimes I feel so powerless to change it; to say no; to stick up for myself.
I do tryst I'll get there. I'm a fighter, in some form, after all.

Little steps Kiya.

I never could have stayed that long. But having the pt there for some of the time was good. And you mom letting you be by yourself when you were switching was also good. Maybe she is trying. My mother never thought anything she did to us was wrong. She had a very narcissistic personality. She loved us when we were little because it made her feel good. Although I do believe she loved us. Just not in a healthy way. She did some mean and cruel things once we turned four/five. She once said she loved us when we were babies. She was a crazy fk. Sorry for the profanity. But that is the best way to describe her. There were times in my life she was there for me so at the end when she needed to be cared for I was there for her.

I need to practice mindfulness and shore up my boundaries... mom's "getting better" which means getting grumpy that now she's not being waited on hand and foot :P
"Everybody's leaving me; the pt (hello - sessions ended), my bf doesn't want to spend the night every night" (which he's graciously done since the 13th and she's yelled at him every single night since every single thing he does is wrong), "...now you" (as i'm sitting there, talking with her after bringing her dinner LOL).
I just smiled. "That's great! You're getting better!"
"Yeah (scoff laugh) I guess" (sarcastic/ caustic tone)
"Now I'm going home to my new furr baby. Night!"
(since I just adopted a new cat)

New kitty cat. That is a very good thing. Some warms and cuddles and purrs.

Congrats on the new cat.