Hello, all . This is going to be a lengthy post, as it gives a little background to explain where I'm at. Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to read this.

Prior to last week Tuesday, I was convinced that I had Multiple Personality Disorder. It was the only way I could explain the lost time, voices and conversations in my head, and zoning out I've experienced since Jan.

Last week tuesday, I was triggered, and hit a low. Last Tuesday was the last time I heard my child alter. From that point, I heard one voice only, and that was a shouting, mean adult voice telling me to end it all every chance it got. When I saw my GP on Wednesday evening, I was a mess. I was anxious, shaky, and on verge of ending it. I told him how I felt. He said I was severely depressed (duh!!). I mentioned the voices. All I said was that I heard voices, and one of them wants me to end it all. It's shouting at me.He asked how I felt at other times. I told him that I went through stages on severe depression, which is what he was seeing. Sometimes, I was ridiculously happy, but irritable. Whilst other times, my emotions conflicted: happy, but not, wanting company and at the same time, not and so on.

He prescribed Lexamil , 10mg daily. I asked for something for the voices. He said the Lexamil will help with that.

Anyway, he told me that the voices I heard were hallucinations. When I spoke to my psych (first appointment) on Friday, I told her what I told the GP about my emotions. She suspects Bipolar and refered me to someone that deals with Bipolar and will diagnose me if necessary. I see her next week Saturday.

The thing is that the last time I heard my child alter was on Tuesday last week. On wednesday, I started Lexamil. I haven't heard anyone since. Not a single "alter" or "voice". Usually, that angry, shouting voice comes up when I'm depressed. The alters... There were so many opportunities for them to arise and they didn't. When I went for my first appointment on Friday, I touched on a painful memory, my Protector didn't kick in as usual. When I'm at work (which is really busy), my handyman alter that handled work doesn't arise. My littles... Oh, my littles. I tested it this weekend. I went to toy stores, and asked "Should we get another teddy?" Nothing. I deliberately went to sweet shops, chocolate aisles , asked which chocolate are we feelinf for. Before the Lexamil were arguments about which to get. Now I hear nothing. No one.

I will speak to my therapist about this. However, I would like to get some more ideas. Hence, this thread. Is is possible that my alters never existed, and that I've pretended to have them?

I thought that maybe they went from co-conscious to the other form. I haven't switched. I haven't lost time. It's all me.

Thank you again for reading.

[finding_my_way]

i am not sure what it could be. for myself, from the time i was five (that i know of), i heard voices and/or as i got older knew about the others. for the last eight years though, it has been very quiet/silent except some subtle things here and there over the years or dissociation but not really hearing/feeling them as much as i used to.

i can only think that for me, they just went quiet because things stabilized in my life more than previously, so there was not reason for them to be as active. i asked my psychiatrist that recently, if they can just disappear..she said anything can happen...but i would have to say for you and me both, if we believe they were/are real, they are.

i always thought hallucinations were outside the head...i have had the voices in my head but also heard things outside of my head, so with that i knew what the difference was.

sometimes, i still deny it's real when it is so quiet..but there are still times things do happen even if it's just some things every few months or so.

[Moreta]

In 2010 I had an experience with alters. I went off my meds and 2 months later I ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks where they diagnosed me with DID. They put me on geodon and a couple weeks after I got out of the hospital all the alters and voices went away. As my pdoc explained I was very manic and psychotic and it was my brains way of coping not being on meds. I haven't had a problem with it since. It was really weird that it happened, cause it had never happened before. They took DID off my chart and slapped on BP I with psychosis and that has been my diagnosis since. I also haven't been off my meds since then.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Yezeena88

Hello, all . This is going to be a lengthy post, as it gives a little background to explain where I'm at. Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to read this.

Prior to last week Tuesday, I was convinced that I had Multiple Personality Disorder. It was the only way I could explain the lost time, voices and conversations in my head, and zoning out I've experienced since Jan.

Last week tuesday, I was triggered, and hit a low. Last Tuesday was the last time I heard my child alter. From that point, I heard one voice only, and that was a shouting, mean adult voice telling me to end it all every chance it got. When I saw my GP on Wednesday evening, I was a mess. I was anxious, shaky, and on verge of ending it. I told him how I felt. He said I was severely depressed (duh!!). I mentioned the voices. All I said was that I heard voices, and one of them wants me to end it all. It's shouting at me.He asked how I felt at other times. I told him that I went through stages on severe depression, which is what he was seeing. Sometimes, I was ridiculously happy, but irritable. Whilst other times, my emotions conflicted: happy, but not, wanting company and at the same time, not and so on.

He prescribed Lexamil , 10mg daily. I asked for something for the voices. He said the Lexamil will help with that.

Anyway, he told me that the voices I heard were hallucinations. When I spoke to my psych (first appointment) on Friday, I told her what I told the GP about my emotions. She suspects Bipolar and refered me to someone that deals with Bipolar and will diagnose me if necessary. I see her next week Saturday.

The thing is that the last time I heard my child alter was on Tuesday last week. On wednesday, I started Lexamil. I haven't heard anyone since. Not a single "alter" or "voice". Usually, that angry, shouting voice comes up when I'm depressed. The alters... There were so many opportunities for them to arise and they didn't. When I went for my first appointment on Friday, I touched on a painful memory, my Protector didn't kick in as usual. When I'm at work (which is really busy), my handyman alter that handled work doesn't arise. My littles... Oh, my littles. I tested it this weekend. I went to toy stores, and asked "Should we get another teddy?" Nothing. I deliberately went to sweet shops, chocolate aisles , asked which chocolate are we feelinf for. Before the Lexamil were arguments about which to get. Now I hear nothing. No one.

I will speak to my therapist about this. However, I would like to get some more ideas. Hence, this thread. Is is possible that my alters never existed, and that I've pretended to have them?

I thought that maybe they went from co-conscious to the other form. I haven't switched. I haven't lost time. It's all me.

Thank you again for reading.

yes it is possible that the alters never existed. I know many people who have either assumed or were diagnosed DID and then later it turned out that they did not have DID \dissociative type alters , but instead had alters that were the result of other mental disorders\hallucinations or delusions.

as for you pretending you had them the only person that can answer that part of your question is you, only you know whether you were pretending to have alters or not.

my own opinion is that it doesnt matter, what matters is that you now know what your alters were and that you are on medication that will help you to feel better, and not have the voices and such.

my suggestion is to not worry about what was, now to just move forwards, follow what ever your treatment providers say is your diagnosis and treatment, thats what's important now, now whether or not you were pretending.

by the way its great to read posts like this where someone finally has answers to what is going on and able to have the right medication to help them. sounds like you have really good treatment providers who listened and understood exactly what was going on with you and got you treated for it.

[flockpride]

Do you now remember things that only certain alters knew? Do you have access to knowledge that you didn't before?

[kecanoe]

Sounds like more than coincidence that parts stop talking when meds kick in. I don't think them stopping means they were never there. Maybe the medicine is helping them so they don't have to speak up so much.

[amandalouise]

I was just re reading my posts and yours and noticed something....in your post you stated that the symptoms started in January. this may be a key factor in why your treatment providers think your alters were hallucinations.

DID is a mental disorder that begins in very early childhood, usually before the age of 5, what that means is the symptoms that point to a person being DID begins before the age of 5. since the hearing voices, time loss, conversations and zoning out began 10 months ago and you did not have them all your childhood you can rest assured that your treatment providers are correct in diagnosing you with hallucinations instead of DID. it may be that your treatment providers saw this defining symptom that definitively rules out DID in most locations.

I know having a treatment provider tell you that you do not have DID and that what you have is hallucinations can be confusing and shocking. but this is actually a good thing. your symptoms and problems can now be completely cleared up with the right medications. right now that medication for you that is working is leximil. I am very happy for you and this progress you and your treatment providers have made in your treatment and whats best for you.

[finding_my_way]

i wanted to add that for me, over the years i have tried different medications including antipsychotics. when i took those, they really had no effect on my dissociation or the others...just like being off meds hasn't really increased it either and they naturally just quieted down for longer periods of time over the last few years.

if they are real, it could just be maybe the medication either has an effect on them or maybe they feel they are being punished or not wanted, etc. since you chose to take a med to try to suppress them? those are just potential guesses.

Wow, it's wonderful that medication is working for you!

Most people don't know what being manic feels like because it feels good, and we tend to only report the bad. I always thought my body was happy about coming out of depression.

They have me dx'd as BD1, but I don't get as manic as they think. I know I'm BD2 if anything.

With bipolar, you have depression and mania with varying degrees in between. There are also mixed episodes that have qualities of both depression and mania where one will be up but also in a foul mood, angry, irritable, etc. When one is manic, periods of time and memories can be not remembered.

Maybe the alters are like found relief themselves? When I'm depressed, I too get that angry voice that criticizes me and degrades me, but I take that as our abuser has been activated. I feel bipolar affects my multiplism, like who gets triggered and when.

The meds I'm taking hasn't stopped the others from talking or presenting, even when I took an antipsychotic. Bipolar is genetic, so my condition isn't affected by meds. I just feel stabile and content.

Hopefully they are on to something with you. You can be both DID/BD. If you had alters, they wouldn't just be gone, maybe they just went silent?

I wouldn't say you were pretending, maybe psychotic and/or delusional if it is BD1.

Check out the bipolar forum if you haven't yet.

Good luck! Keep us posted please!

A huge thank you to everyone that took the time to read my post, and respond with care, insight and understanding. It's helped me immensely.

Thank you.

[Shaly78]

Well to be fair the treatment providers are at the mercy of what you disclose to them. I was just noting a clear switch on another website. On any given day a few inside will say I didnt noticed any thing which is true because their either in their room not paying attention to the outside world or dont hear that alter.. Its is easy for those to block proper disclosure delaying diagnoses hearing conflicting messages.

I dont know this to be true but is medication a way to weed out a DID dx? DID has to hear alters inside is what I remember reading...Is it just to alleviate the volume?...I was denied medication at the time i didnt remember what i read i sat in 2 psych wards 48 hours no meds was given to after agonizing how loud it was....Maybe u have schizophrenia and bipolar good for u seems easier for a pill that works and ur better than having to deal with talk therapy etc

Hey all right congratulations! I'm taking all these stupid pills and all I get is "stabile". It's more fun being "unstabile".

Every time I try to quit meds, I'm back on them again :/

They just won't quit.

Well, good for you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by newday7121

Well to be fair the treatment providers are at the mercy of what you disclose to them. I was just noting a clear switch on another website. On any given day a few inside will say I didnt noticed any thing which is true because their either in their room not paying attention to the outside world or dont hear that alter.. Its is easy for those to block proper disclosure delaying diagnoses hearing conflicting messages.

I dont know this to be true but is medication a way to weed out a DID dx? DID has to hear alters inside is what I remember reading...Is it just to alleviate the volume?...I was denied medication at the time i didnt remember what i read i sat in 2 psych wards 48 hours no meds was given to after agonizing how loud it was....Maybe u have schizophrenia and bipolar good for u seems easier for a pill that works and ur better than having to deal with talk therapy etc

there is no medication for treating DID. that means there is no medication that will take away the symptoms and alters that come with DID (you can read about the diagnostics in my signature line)

that said there is medication for things like depression, anxiety...what that means is if a persons dissociative problems are because of having depression and anxiety (which is different than having DID and do contain having dissociative symptoms) then that medication will help stabilize the depression and anxiety related dissociative problems by preventing the person from reacting with their anxiety and depression symptoms.

example before I was integrated the dissociative problems that were not related to my having DID but were part of my anxiety and depression problems stopped...

I still heard voices, I still dissociated\switched into alters (DID related) but I did not get numb and spaced out during staff meetings (my anxiety disorder related dissociative symptom) and because the medication was taking care of my depression I no longer felt numb and spaced out due to depression.

there is no medication for treating DID (having dissociative type alters, switching into and out of being alters, hearing dissociative type alters voices, conversations, dissociative type memory problems/time loss......)

one time my treatment provider and i got into a "medication debate" and she had a great question and point to me....

if medication worked for DID you (meaning me amanda) would not be switching into two or more alternate personalities therefore you would no longer be diagnosed DID per the diagnostic criteria, true?

she had me there it wasnt my bipolar and depression and anxiety medications that caused or prevented my alters from communicating and taking control, if it was in mental health terms I at that point would not have had the diagnosis of DID. needless to say she won the medication debate of my wanting a pill to cure this ___.

as for medication being a diagnostic tool...in general no matter what the mental or physical health problems things like getting enough rest, diet and exercise and medications are tried first because here in america we have so many mental and physical health problems that do respond to various types of rest, relaxation, diet, exercise and medications. treatment providers do not automatically jump to the more serious mental and physical problems until the less severe and easier to treat things have been ruled out. just the way it is, no matter what the problem is.