[janiedough]

I will start out by saying that I do not personally have a diagnosis of dissociation. Here is a hypothetical situation... The story includes some stuff about childhood abuse, and how 2 siblings react and cope in different ways. Please, only read if this does not sound triggering...

2 siblings grew up together in the same household and went through the same physical and emotional abuse, though one of those siblings had it worse. The sibling that had it worse somehow doesn't remember any of it, nor most of his/her childhood, and is doing mostly okay in adulthood. The other sibling remembers everything and is also doing mostly okay in adulthood, but not without sadness and grief from the past. The sibling that forgot everything is sad about not remembering their childhood and longs to remember, but the sibling that remembers thinks that the other sibling is better off not remembering because it was terrible and went on for over two years. The sibling that does not remember also has some anxiety in certain situations (a superior getting upset with them will make them shut down and cry). The other sibling has the same anxiety except theirs happens more often but is less extreme. The sibling that doesn't remember also has an ability to completely "zone out" in any situation if they so choose (ex: another person inflicts extreme pain, and the sibling that doesn't remember is able to act like the person inflicting the pain is doing no harm, thus making the person doing the harm confused and less inclined to continue). (Note: the last time that the sibling that doesn't remember used this ability in the past, they may have not been able to move a certain body part for a couple of days due to some damage that was done to it).

This is just a general description of the situation. My curiosity lies in how the sibling that doesn't remember got rid of the memories, and I am also curious in thoughts on which sibling developed a better coping mechanism.

[Shaly78]

If this is happening as a child who is there to trigger a memory or identity out so that what is being dissociated is told to an adult so that it stops? What is being taught to a child at that age? What if pain is dissociated? What if terminology a child uses doesn't get adults attention enough to investigate? I was told I better not say anything, what if the plan in my mind was to not say anything anyway....Who is to say I need his help to dissociate! I'm not sure why your comparing a sibling, but the bottom line is your sibling doesn't owe you anything. I tried to get something out of my sibling that would help me possible associate memories, it was the wrong thing to do basically I picked up a tactic a therapist showed me, well used people to show me that alter used....In fact, really none of my family members owe me anything no memories no triggers no nothing. At the same time, though, if carefully fully explained I would think well yes why wouldn't my sister not want to help me with memories so that the prognosis might be positive one. The only thing she can consciously say is I don't remember....I have to accept that!

[finding_my_way]

in my situation, i remembered some trauma in childhood while my closest sibling did not, claiming it never happened. i also had other trauma that she did not and as a result did not cope as well overall compared to her. she was affected to a lesser degree and could just go on with things.

the difference between us was personality types, ability to leave the house/situations, etc. and overall resiliency. i was the youngest, quietest, smallest, more cautious/fearful, etc. she was more outgoing, outspoken, etc. and would stick up for herself. she was able to go be with friends more often than i was.

i also had two older siblings who seemed overall to do better than me. i mean, they all have had their own issues from various things, but their ability to cope was different than mine. i do not know either how early they experienced trauma in life, so maybe that makes a difference too. mine started around four or five years old, so when my siblings were older than me.

as for dissociation or forgetting trauma/difficult things being positive, it can as it helps a person get through trauma/overwhelming situations. it only becomes negative when it impacts a person's life in a way that affects their functioning.

i would not say that my one sister necessarily experienced dissociation (but maybe to a mild degree) related to the trauma we went through together, but more plain old forgetting maybe because her way of dealing with things overall (as well as my older two siblings) is out with the old/negative and in with the new with the ability to just push things out of their awareness willingly...and also, if something isn't important to them, they just won't think/feel/talk about it, etc. so, if they aren't affected like i am where memories/negative feelings, etc. are intrusive or cause issues with functioning, the way they are able to function and live is different than the way i live. for whatever reason, they were resilient in a different way.

[janiedough]

Originally Posted by Shaly78

If this is happening as a child who is there to trigger a memory or identity out so that what is being dissociated is told to an adult so that it stops? What is being taught to a child at that age? What if pain is dissociated? What if terminology a child uses doesn't get adults attention enough to investigate? I was told I better not say anything, what if the plan in my mind was to not say anything anyway....Who is to say I need his help to dissociate! I'm not sure why your comparing a sibling, but the bottom line is your sibling doesn't owe you anything. I tried to get something out of my sibling that would help me possible associate memories, it was the wrong thing to do basically I picked up a tactic a therapist showed me, well used people to show me that alter used....In fact, really none of my family members owe me anything no memories no triggers no nothing. At the same time, though, if carefully fully explained I would think well yes why wouldn't my sister not want to help me with memories so that the prognosis might be positive one. The only thing she can consciously say is I don't remember....I have to accept that!

I'm not necessarily comparing siblings, but wondering about the respective coping mechanisms. Really, the underlying thing that is bugging me is whether it is better to completely forget and let it go not ever knowing what happened and why my body does stupid things without my consent or whether figuring out where the memories are "stored" would allow me to overpower the shut downs when they occur. It's kind of sad not being able to remember much about being a kid and only knowing what you were told. Maybe I don't want to believe that I was an awful child. Maybe I want to justify my supposed actions as a kid. Maybe I want some clarity to what the hell caused me to be so freaking quiet and fearful of authority. Sorry about the rant, it's just frustrating to think about not being able to control certain situations.

[janiedough]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

in my situation, i remembered some trauma in childhood while my closest sibling did not, claiming it never happened. i also had other trauma that she did not and as a result did not cope as well overall compared to her. she was affected to a lesser degree and could just go on with things.

the difference between us was personality types, ability to leave the house/situations, etc. and overall resiliency. i was the youngest, quietest, smallest, more cautious/fearful, etc. she was more outgoing, outspoken, etc. and would stick up for herself. she was able to go be with friends more often than i was.

i also had two older siblings who seemed overall to do better than me. i mean, they all have had their own issues from various things, but their ability to cope was different than mine. i do not know either how early they experienced trauma in life, so maybe that makes a difference too. mine started around four or five years old, so when my siblings were older than me.

as for dissociation or forgetting trauma/difficult things being positive, it can as it helps a person get through trauma/overwhelming situations. it only becomes negative when it impacts a person's life in a way that affects their functioning.

i would not say that my one sister necessarily experienced dissociation (but maybe to a mild degree) related to the trauma we went through together, but more plain old forgetting maybe because her way of dealing with things overall (as well as my older two siblings) is out with the old/negative and in with the new with the ability to just push things out of their awareness willingly...and also, if something isn't important to them, they just won't think/feel/talk about it, etc. so, if they aren't affected like i am where memories/negative feelings, etc. are intrusive or cause issues with functioning, the way they are able to function and live is different than the way i live. for whatever reason, they were resilient in a different way.

Thank you for your insight.
I think my way of coping is similar to the out with the old, in with the new... But, sometimes I find myself sad about not being able to recall things the same way that my sister can. I feel like I am an impostor in my own family because I don't really remember how I felt toward any of them, other than my immediate family. It is a really weird sensation to feel like you don't belong in your own family. Maybe it's just a sign that I shouldn't be around them and should push forward and just forget more to not worry about it anymore. That may not be in my best interest, since forgetting your own family members is seen as bad by society though... sigh... but I also don't want to forget. I want to know which ones are the ones that hurt me. ugh. oh well. It probably doesn't matter. Part of me wants vengeance, but another part just wants to break away. Yet another part wants to fix everyone and make everyone happy, but at the same time doesn't care and wants to just say goodbye to them. It is confusing.

Originally Posted by janiedough

I will start out by saying that I do not personally have a diagnosis of dissociation. Here is a hypothetical situation... The story includes some stuff about childhood abuse, and how 2 siblings react and cope in different ways. Please, only read if this does not sound triggering...

2 siblings grew up together in the same household and went through the same physical and emotional abuse, though one of those siblings had it worse. The sibling that had it worse somehow doesn't remember any of it, nor most of his/her childhood, and is doing mostly okay in adulthood. The other sibling remembers everything and is also doing mostly okay in adulthood, but not without sadness and grief from the past. The sibling that forgot everything is sad about not remembering their childhood and longs to remember, but the sibling that remembers thinks that the other sibling is better off not remembering because it was terrible and went on for over two years. The sibling that does not remember also has some anxiety in certain situations (a superior getting upset with them will make them shut down and cry). The other sibling has the same anxiety except theirs happens more often but is less extreme. The sibling that doesn't remember also has an ability to completely "zone out" in any situation if they so choose (ex: another person inflicts extreme pain, and the sibling that doesn't remember is able to act like the person inflicting the pain is doing no harm, thus making the person doing the harm confused and less inclined to continue). (Note: the last time that the sibling that doesn't remember used this ability in the past, they may have not been able to move a certain body part for a couple of days due to some damage that was done to it).

This is just a general description of the situation. My curiosity lies in how the sibling that doesn't remember got rid of the memories, and I am also curious in thoughts on which sibling developed a better coping mechanism.

Hi janie!

Everyone dissociates, but some are prone to dissociation more than others, whether because of age, genetic material, or chance... nobody really knows why.

Like fmw said, if it isn't causing you any present to future difficulties, let it go and consider yourself lucky to not remember using your sister as an example as to why you shouldn't. It's just the brain protecting itself due to its sensitivity to trauma.

But also, I understand the odd feeling from perceiving to be somewhat mentally defective or different.... not fitting in, that has to be lingering in mind somewhere.... but this is normal.... you are normal.

If this is stressing you to any degree, maybe a chat with a hired professional is in order.