[kkrrhh]

Hi! I suffer with depersonalization and derealization in varying levels. I have depression, anxiety, and social anxiety which are definitely involved and affect my dissociation, but I do think DPDR is a standalone problem for me as well.

Anyway, my question isn't really one that can be solved so much as just something I've thought about and wonder if other people can relate. I can't always completely distinguish derealization from depersonalization, but I've felt like this sorta comes from DP. I've seen people talk about how depersonalization affects their view of themselves, but I'm also often frustrated with the ways it seems to affect how I view other people and process relationships. It's like some of the affects DP has on how I see myself extend to how I see other people, too. When my depersonalization is doing better (which is often when anxiety/depression are better, so of course that's somewhat involved too) I have a more naturally cohesive view/idea/sense of myself. I'm just (Name), and I know who I am, and that's that. Whereas when DP is acting up, it's like when trying to look at myself, instead of a whole person I can only remember a sort of list of separate things or pieces to remember who I am. And it seems to be the same when viewing other people.

I can't just feel a normal sense of really knowing someone as one whole real person, and then I don't feel as much of a naturally flowing friendship, affection, whatever. I'll see or think of a friend and feel disconnected, and my thinking is something like, "Ok. This is (friend's name.) She's funny. She likes ______. I like her," almost trying to force or recreate the familiarity and comfort I know my brain should and normally would feel. It's almost as if every part of relating and connecting to people becomes very manual.
The weird unfamiliarity messes with my social anxiety sometimes too, where instead of just naturally feeling comfortable and close to a person, I have to almost manually remind myself, "ok, this is my friend _______. We're close and all's good, I can be comfortable and be myself," when I'm not actually feeling it. It's a horrible feeling to be talking to a close friend and self conscious and like emotionally I almost may as well be talking to a stranger, although mentally I know better. It also makes me feel so guilty to look at people who are so close to me but feel so disconnected and sometimes not feel a thing. I know part of the emotional disconnection thing is depression-related, but I feel like dissociation is definitely involved because I seem to have a lot more trouble with relationships when I'm doing badly than other people I know with depression alone.

It gets especially weird with non face to face interactions, too. If I'm texting someone, especially if I haven't seen them in person recently, I have to picture their face and remind myself the things I know about them and how they are in person, and try to remind my brain that it's actually all one real person and that's who I'm actually talking to.

When I'm trying to get to know someone while feeling this, it's like I can't actually get a real sense of the person or a real feeling of knowing them, so much as just trying to remember things they've said and facts about them. It's almost impossible to really get to know them. There's a new friend I've been talking to recently with whom I've really noticed this happening, and it's so strange to know someone feels like they're getting to know me, meanwhile I'm just talking and going through the motions and not actually getting close to them (despite wanting to), and they have no clue.

I'm kinda just babbling now and not really sure what my point is, but again, I'm just curious if anyone can relate in any similar ways?

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Yup, yup... and I only actually interact with like a handfull 0f ppl. Most days 0-1. But most of my DPDR symptoms (besides alters) involve schewed sensory perceptions ie cars and ppl moving at exaggerated or reduced speed, thick dense air molicules which either make my body feel heavy and slow and or my vision blurry and frightenEd unfamiliarity of daily environment. Tactile is important for grounding me in these states. Most often I will cling on to my so and rub his arm or even touch his face. If I can grasp that he is solid and real then I have an easier time coping with the distortions of landscape and believing that I actually exist.. also I get a lot of watching myself like trapped behind glass with no control.... staring for long periods of time at parts of my body...mostly hands and face... mirror image gets angry or acts threatening to me... not reconising myself in pictures or not trustin my eyes in mirrors or pictures... I do have to remind myself of all text general knowledge re: ppl ,places, situations, even pop culture, but I don't generally review on my own..I will just smile nod and act vague until back up arrives usually in the former of the inside part who's job it is to rapid fire info thro my brain and out my mouth. Happens very quickly is exhausting general retain little of the actual info afterwards and I describe the feeling as having thoughts forceful jammed thru my brain with an ice pick. OWW, MY BRAINS!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

P.s. I'm a habitual babble too!