evidence of early switching?

I have three categories of memories - Forever memories, which Ive always had, new memories - which I don't even trust to be memories, and then there are those memories that I've had forever, but just haven't thought about for a long while.

I've just had one of the latter- and its just left me a bit... Woah. I have no idea how to type this out - its one of those things thats actually easier to explain out loud for once! Anyway, here goes:

I've just been remembering how I learnt the alphabet. In my mind there has always been two alphabets. The one you first learn - a(pple), ber, ker, da, eh, fa, ga etc. And then theres the 'grown up' alphabet - ae, bee, cee, dee, eee, ef, gee etc.

Anyways, I have such a clear memory of when I think I was 8 years old, in my first year of middle school. One day at school, everyone just started using the 'grown up' alphabet in lessons. I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, even though I was good at school. I had to ask a friend after the lesson what on earth was going on. What did ae, bee, cee dee mean? She had to explain that bee was another way of say ba, and cee was another way of saying ker. I was so confused. How did the whole class know this but not me? I hadn't been on holiday, or been sick, or missed any lessons at all. It was like the whole class had been whisked away and taught lessons without me. In the end I had to teach myself the adult alphabet. I remember working on it at home on my own until I had caught up.

Now, looking back on this thirty years later, and with my new realisations and understanding of DID etc. (Which I struggle to believe in a lot of the time anyway) and Im just like.... WOAH. Is this evidence of me switching as young as 7 or 8 years old? Is there any other explanation for that experience? Could I have just day dreamed through the lesson they taught us the adult alphabet? How many lessons does that normally take?

your alphabet confused me for a moment (here in the USA we dont use two different alphabets) the english language only has the aaaa, beeee , ceeee.... alphabet.

we do have people who have moved here from mexico, canada and other countries who come with their own language either passed down in their families or native to their culture or country. but english is the primary language here. those from other countries their children are given a class in school called English as a second language where for example Mexican students are taught to speak english so that they can understand their peers and teachers.

in high school students can take elective language courses (here in NY the language classes students can choose from are french and german, a few schools here in NY have in the last 5 or so years added spanish classes if there is enough interest among the students to offer it.)

american schools also participate in exchange student programs where students from other countries come to america for the school year and american students can volunteer to go to another country for a school year. the exchange students are according to what language they speak. for example a french student can go to france for a school year and an english speaking student from france can come to an american school for a school year.

here in america when a student is fluent (can speak more than one language very well) its called being bi- lingual. but for americans speaking more than one language is not required or taught to everyone.

its amazing how different two countries are. here in america, middle school isnt for 8year olds. here middle school is the same as saying Jr high school. our elementary schools go from K or first grade through 6th grade (not age age wise its 11) then middle school (jr high) is 7th and 8th grades (pre teen and teen agers)here and then we have high school (9th grade through 12th grade teens\young adults) a few new york schools have added 6th (grade not age) to be included in their middle schools, but not very many.

as for the questions only you and your treatment providers can say why you can not remember learning your locations second language (in your words adult language)

Shelly: Wow hon, I didn't realize that there was a baby alphabet. We always raised our kids on the only one.

Our first fragments of early memories is swimming in a pool about 5 (?) and staring at a whirring time clock like it was a new life form.

My memory consists of random snapshots with a lot of missing memories, so missing that it's black with a few pictures in it if you were to remember like in a filmstrip or timeline. It's very rare for us to have a video type of memory.

That's our memory system though, so I couldn't tell ya sweets.

It's like, we've been switching since birth since it's a result of early childhood trauma- of which I don't remember.

We all share the present like a growing snowball, each having a turn pushing it. We each are aware of the top layer but each have no idea what's beneath it as it grows.

The times I have the "I can't believe I said/did that!" moments are many, and when looking at them, they are like someone else did them.

As the aware conscience, it always seems like "I'm" a different person for emotions, coping skills, environments, activities, everyday living... we've come to break it down to our fragmented selves where we finally learned us. The last other up fades away, and so does most of their memories and experiences leaving a blank spot for the rest.

We've got 20 years somewhere for when we lived another life in another state.

Memory is a tricky thing. I've very few first person and some third person. I can tell what my memories are because they are crisp and clear while the other memories that the others might share to surface are dreamy and cloudy somewhat, but I know they're real. Memories are for the most part fragments and flashbacks that I've given up remembering and just live in the present.

What I've learned is that if it's out of character for me to do-say-act, then I'm most likely an observer or the reaper of the consequences which can really suck! Lol

i think one of my earliest related memories was in kindergarten. it might have been around the time my trauma started or just after. i am unsure. it is a fragmented memory, something about wanting a toy a boy had who wouldn't/didn't give it to me. i got upset which triggered a dissociative episode. i have no idea the aftermath of it though.

in general, i know i was dissociative from a very early age though. some time between 5 and 7, i can remember a particular time where i was walking home from school with a friend and felt so out of it, i asked her to slap me across the face. she wouldn't, of course. i also know that there was also a time where i was with friends playing and all of a sudden just randomly left and went home to be alone. i know it was one of the others who had at least influenced that, just not sure who. i just recall (now) how strange it was because the snapshot in my mind was just leaving without saying a word to anyone.

but gauging how the dissociation was in childhood is hard for me because while i knew there were others then and hear some of them talk or even played with some, i have no clear memories (obviously lol) of how it was overall. i have a mix of normal memories, some trauma memories in bits and pieces, but lack a lot of trauma memories as well as more general ones, i guess.

i have a lot of memories overall though but feel like there are huge gaps...then again, i'm not sure how much a person is supposed to remember overall...i remember bits and pieces of each grade in school to some degree, teacher's names, etc. but the bigger picture of what things happened at what age is confusing for me and what years as an adult things happened too.

Hey, thanks guys for your responses. It really helps to bounce these things off of people who understand what a piecemeal memory is like!

I get so frustrated hearing everyones stories about knowing their other parts and the relationship they've had over the years. I just don't have that. I had absolutely no idea about any of mine - it didn't even cross my mind, until I started T. I didn't know I couldn't remember most of my childhood until I tried. The teacher name test is just a nightmare - I can't remember any from 5-8 years old. From 8-12 I remember a couple of names but thats it. From 13-16 I have maybe a 50% hit rate.

Since starting T I have been able to pinpoint many times over the past twenty years or so where I have switched. I can identify the bits of me that I don't feel connected to. The evidence of DID or DIDishness is pretty overwhelming and still building! But from my childhood - its so murky. So patchy. So confusing, and Im still trying to understand what happened.

This memory from school and the alphabet - its one of a handful of memories from that age range (7-9 years) that I have always had. Whats changed I guess is the perspective. I always remembered it as a very confusing moment. It was like, one minute the teacher was using the phonetic alphabet, and then she was using the adult alphabet, and all my class just seemed to understand this seamlessly and I was just lost. I was so confused when my friend said we'd been taught the adult alphabet in lessons that I just had no recollection of.

Its only this week that I've made that connection with DIDishness. Like the numerous times Im at work and find myself staring at the computer wondering how on earth to do the thing Ive been doing 18 times a day for the last 15 months and have suddenly forgotten.

I've dwelt on this, and to me - yes. This is the same thing. Its that same confusion. That same time hopping I still have today. Its weird. To think this has been going on for over thirty years and I really had no clue.

Aww hon, don't feel that way, it's just a timely process to system discovery to be worked out with your diagnoser. We ourselves was just bursting at the seams to being ourselves finally.

I had to accept that I was part of a multiple and just started reaching out to my others. I soon learned that what I was hear/thinking was the voices of the others. It all started with a "Hello?".

I hope it works the same for you.

Alas patience is not my strong point. I want to know whats in me, and how to work with it / them NOW dagnammit! Its just so frustrating to know theres stuff going on in there, and I don't know what / who / how!

I've tried really hard to be welcoming / accommodating. Most of the time there is tumbleweed. Once, they even really did throw tumbleweed through my mind! Its kind of a put out, antagonising, indignant feeling - to know theres stuff in there, and Im trying to look after to them and be open to them, and I do ask, and I do say 'hi' - but NADA. Until of course, its the least opportune moment, and then it gets loud and chaotic.

And obviously, the whole time Im attempting to communicate theres a little (huge) thought in my head that says the fact Im even trying is proof enough that I am completely, and utterly insane.

I've been seeing my T 1.5 years now. I am 100% confident he knows more about my insides than I do. But he never ever says. Its like its up to me to find it out for myself when he has already read the book and written the crib notes. I wish he would just say "well, Ive seen this part of you, and that part of you" etc - but that will never happen. I think to prevent any iotrogenesis?

Again - Thanks for listening, responding and letting me rant AC2

I actually started doing automatic handwriting at first where one just relaxes the arm/hand and let it go allowing the subconscience to direct it. Ever since, I've discovered that the others assume control. It's usually very slow at first. I've been at it forever and it's normal now, even with a stylus and tablet.

But you know, are they still presenting and causing discord in you daily living? If not, they maybe dormant and wish to not be disturbed in their own world because you've long learned the coping skills that they were to do. Idk.

We are always aware so we don't have an inner world, or I'd (anyone of us) would remember, would you think? Our inside is black as night, but sometimes we see each other's dreams, or its blah blah blah and we can get no rest!

Oh god yeah - my life is seriously fudged up right now. Ive always known Im good with money and great at being thrifty - but Im crippled with debt from the 'phases' where I spend spend spend with absolutely no concept of money and finances.

But this week all hell has broken loose. After 20+ years of smoking weed constantly... Ive decided to give up (day 4) - Ive tried this before, but it was pre T and so Im approaching it with a new insight now. I always knew previously that when I tried to give up - my head got really spinney - uncopeable with. But now - with my knowledge of DIDishness its different.

So day four, and the days have been ok. Mostly. Except when the sui ideation goes through the roof. But the nights. Its like as soon as I try to sleep my head just goes nuts, and Im thinking I just want to go to sleep, but I can't because all I can 'hear' (for want of a more accurate phase) is turmoil and angst and anger at - well, you know the score. The nights are just awful. Hour after hour after hour after hour replaying shiite from my childhood and really extreme emotions that just don't feel like they're mine. Last night I could hear myself crying hysterically, but I wasn't crying. I was lying there trying to sleep whilst listening to me crying in my head and it just wouldn't stop. But I didn't feel like I was crying. There were no tears, no movement, I was just lying there still. But in my head I was violently hysterically crying.

Im really getting a lot out of T - but yesterday I sacked him anyway and I don't really know why. Even my bosses have started bringing up things like 'split personalities' in front of me quite pointedly. My memory is shocking. Like. SHOCKING. In an obvious to everyone else kind of a way. Every day something happens to remind me I am a COMPLETE FREAK. I want dormant. I want integration. I yearn for that shiite. Maybe if I had a relationship with the other bits of me like you guys have, I would be as reticent as everyone else here seems to be about integration. But I don't. Im totally and utterly fudged off with being the way that I am, and I want to be normal NOW. I want no memory holes, I want no crazy attitude, opinion and emotional switches. I want stability and calmness and ZEN! Of course, now Ive sacked my T thats probably never gonna happen [enter downward spiral here].

i had a few years of calmness...and it was..nice..but the walls have started to crack now. i know that until things somehow become resolved..not sure how...they are always going to be there.

i wish that i had the communication i used to have because all i get now is bad dissociation not really with black outs but very hazy times almost daily the last while..and i feel the others' feelings..whoever is the closest...but it's been different daily...nothing consistent...and nothing i can even figure out.

it completely confuses me..makes me lose track of things around me, who i am...life as a whole, etc. the only thing i can get through fully most the time is work which is just a few hours a day.

it is so draining...i don't know how to deal with it when i can't figure any of it out.

Hello. I am interested in your having memories like snapshots and video clips. Is that what you meant ? I have never met anyone else who sees her memories.

(I am a visual thinker and my memories are visual snapshots which are held in time or vidoe clips that act as an entryway into that memory. I also can realate to what you say about having different people who have differnt skills. I used to tell my doc I am -whoever is here at the moment is/serves whatever job needs to be done. I think we may have a lot in common as to how our dissociation has worked.

I hope you are doing well and working with your situation. Thanks for sharing this.

Sherry: Yes, that's how it is for us. Generally we have very little recall of what Others have done unless they share bits and pieces of it. Sometimes it's just random flashbacks that come out of nowhere. They are brief and fleeting as they fade out as fast as they fade or spin in. As far as motion memories, the longest one is maybe 1/2 a sec before it freezes and fades. Ultimately, we live in the present and take it as it comes. We are often laughed at as to how bad our memory is, but they don't know the causes and refute why.

Hee hee, there's a few times when asked 'what is your birthday' that we have to wait for an answer 'uuuuuh...' ...talking about awkward at a checkout counter! Lol

Sherry: OMG Sweety, your are not insane, your special

I know, it's just so crazy that we are the ones that have to deal with this condition, but you know, that's life...our life.

In a dr/patient relationship, I require total disclosure and openness on both parties. If such a trust has been breached, they are so fired because I'm paying them (my insurance is) because they work for me. I hope that he comes forward more on your case.

I'm going to record my sessions when I see my T again. The last one almost killed me in traffic while I was dazed out. Like you, I got to know, too.

My memories are also coming back to me as snapshot images and short silent videos.

I started working on this 2 years ago, as a result of a series of snapshots that popped up and showed themselves to me one after another. It was things that I knew, but didn't really know/acknowledge.... if that makes any sense. I'm learning that I have that experience pretty often these days. I will "see" something that has happened "vividly" and it's like I always knew it but not really see it. It is usually as 3rd person (me watching it) There are no feelings there yet, only my fingers and feet buzzing which I believe is like a silent panic attack. Numbness otherwise.

Just read this and it gave me great peace and courage!! I'm having a hard day today, and this reminded me that I'm not losing it and that I need to keep going and have patience.

My C is the only safe person and his office is the only really safe place I believe I've known. I've shared with him that I feel "small" during my sessions and there is a feeling that he is like a big brother.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what "safe" really is and what it feels like. Me understanding safety if like me trying to explain what it feels like to me to be where I am. I have no conception and neither do they.

I know this encourages me that maybe I will eventually understand what safe is.

Thank y'all!!!

This reply was supposed to include the quote from CassyO that AC2 replied to. I'm still trying to understand the way things work.