[confusedbyself]

Ok, I was diagnosed a few years ago with PTSD. I have all the stuff that puts me safely there (panic attacks, flashbacks, emotional flashbacks, etc, etc, etc....). I accepted this diagnosis fairly easily but it still didn't completely explain some things. The more I looked into things, the more I realized that it looked more like just like the complex ptsd EXCEPT for a few areas. I have struggled with whether these 'other things' are just parts of my feelings and thoughts that I don't want to exist like emotional stuff. But that never seemed right either... so let me get to the question.

I have noticed for as long as I can remember that there are times that I feel like an infant (especially If at home and I hurt myself like bumping my head). Now I just assumed that most people feel that way nad put on an adult fast and say a curse word or something (I do and feel that way sometimes to). But other times, I FEEL completely like a very young child and even want a blanket or to suck my thumb and start saying things like "oowiee, I got a booboo" and want to cry. It's usually not even that bad of a hurt when "that" feeling happens. Again, I have blown that off for years to just be what everyone else feels but knows better then to show it just like I know better then to let it out if anyone is around.

I have been working a couple years with a wonderful therapist and the more we have worked, the more I have begin to 'notice' some other things. There seems to be a little girl that is 'happy and giddy, but completely stupid and niave' that has seem to come to my 'mind' more and more when the therapist does things that show he cares or tries to help. I can 'almost hear' (I don't know how to explain it) her telling us to 'let him help, he wants to help us, he cares about us, and things like that). I know feel an almost real battle between her and I about keeping her in check and not letting her be seen. My therapist even said we could text when/if the flashbacks got to bad or we were really feeling we needed to reach out and she went crazy and wants to sooooo bad. I fought it for a long time and then I started texting some. I feel COMPLETELY GUILTY when it happens, but it is like she is all excited.

Also, I have always had and felt this 'thing' inside that stays hidden in a corner that feels terrified and to me is disgusting and I never let out of its cage. There also seems to be something or somethings filled with emotions that 'seep' out until I can force them back in place but I don't seem to see an image or feel a 'person' with them. I guess my question really is regarding whether those of you with true DID are able to keep your alters in place and NOT let them out. Because that's kind of what it feels like I have had and done all these years. She wants to take over so bad and I wont let her. I have noticed the last few days that when I am home alone, I let her talk to our therapist and she talks to him just like a little 4 or 5 year old girl and says things I would NEVER EVER let myself say. I don't know if these are just 'ego states' within me that I am just accepting parts of myself, or if the more work in therapy we are doing and the more compassion he has shown is starting to 'unlock the cage doors' (which is what it truly feels like to me because I actually have a visual image of these 'things/people/whatever'.. locked behind these cage doors all my life).

I do NOT want to start talking to me therapist about what feels like people inside me if it is truly just states everyone else, like the different hats put on in different situations and as I have understood DID, people can NOT control their alters from 'taking over' or taking centered stage and I seem to be able to keep these 'things' in me from surfacing. It is getting harder to keep the doors shut and locked and this one particular girl wants out to talk to the therapist soooo very bad, but I keep telling myself that is probably just me wanting and excuse to say things I wish I could allow myself to say. I just don't know if I am making excuses for the possibility to excuses to make sure it is not possible. Honestly, I am ok either way but don't want to create what doesn't exist either.... sigh

I know that nobody here can diagnose, but I would sure love to hear what you thing.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and for any insight you can give me.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by confusedbyself

Ok, I was diagnosed a few years ago with PTSD. I have all the stuff that puts me safely there (panic attacks, flashbacks, emotional flashbacks, etc, etc, etc....). I accepted this diagnosis fairly easily but it still didn't completely explain some things. The more I looked into things, the more I realized that it looked more like just like the complex ptsd EXCEPT for a few areas. I have struggled with whether these 'other things' are just parts of my feelings and thoughts that I don't want to exist like emotional stuff. But that never seemed right either... so let me get to the question.

I have noticed for as long as I can remember that there are times that I feel like an infant (especially If at home and I hurt myself like bumping my head). Now I just assumed that most people feel that way nad put on an adult fast and say a curse word or something (I do and feel that way sometimes to). But other times, I FEEL completely like a very young child and even want a blanket or to suck my thumb and start saying things like "oowiee, I got a booboo" and want to cry. It's usually not even that bad of a hurt when "that" feeling happens. Again, I have blown that off for years to just be what everyone else feels but knows better then to show it just like I know better then to let it out if anyone is around.

I have been working a couple years with a wonderful therapist and the more we have worked, the more I have begin to 'notice' some other things. There seems to be a little girl that is 'happy and giddy, but completely stupid and niave' that has seem to come to my 'mind' more and more when the therapist does things that show he cares or tries to help. I can 'almost hear' (I don't know how to explain it) her telling us to 'let him help, he wants to help us, he cares about us, and things like that). I know feel an almost real battle between her and I about keeping her in check and not letting her be seen. My therapist even said we could text when/if the flashbacks got to bad or we were really feeling we needed to reach out and she went crazy and wants to sooooo bad. I fought it for a long time and then I started texting some. I feel COMPLETELY GUILTY when it happens, but it is like she is all excited.

Also, I have always had and felt this 'thing' inside that stays hidden in a corner that feels terrified and to me is disgusting and I never let out of its cage. There also seems to be something or somethings filled with emotions that 'seep' out until I can force them back in place but I don't seem to see an image or feel a 'person' with them. I guess my question really is regarding whether those of you with true DID are able to keep your alters in place and NOT let them out. Because that's kind of what it feels like I have had and done all these years. She wants to take over so bad and I wont let her. I have noticed the last few days that when I am home alone, I let her talk to our therapist and she talks to him just like a little 4 or 5 year old girl and says things I would NEVER EVER let myself say. I don't know if these are just 'ego states' within me that I am just accepting parts of myself, or if the more work in therapy we are doing and the more compassion he has shown is starting to 'unlock the cage doors' (which is what it truly feels like to me because I actually have a visual image of these 'things/people/whatever'.. locked behind these cage doors all my life).

I do NOT want to start talking to me therapist about what feels like people inside me if it is truly just states everyone else, like the different hats put on in different situations and as I have understood DID, people can NOT control their alters from 'taking over' or taking centered stage and I seem to be able to keep these 'things' in me from surfacing. It is getting harder to keep the doors shut and locked and this one particular girl wants out to talk to the therapist soooo very bad, but I keep telling myself that is probably just me wanting and excuse to say things I wish I could allow myself to say. I just don't know if I am making excuses for the possibility to excuses to make sure it is not possible. Honestly, I am ok either way but don't want to create what doesn't exist either.... sigh

I know that nobody here can diagnose, but I would sure love to hear what you thing.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and for any insight you can give me.

my thoughts on this...your post has many different elements in it so Im going to post according to my location. you are in canada so your location have have different standards for this kind of thing.

here in the USA we go by the DSM 5 for mental disorder/symptoms and problems. my point here there is no diagnosis of Complex PTSD. there used to be but due to lack of treatment providers using that diagnostic labeling and due to it became a catch all for any problems that did not fit in with other mental disorders in the PTSD category CPTSD label was thrown out, discontinued in may 2013. new trauma and stress related disorders were created that now covers what used to be CPTSD and the disorder PTSD was updated to include some of the CPTSD criteria and symptoms.

my point since we no longer have a mental disorder called CPTSD here if you did see a treatment provider here if you stated your statement of ..."The more I looked into things, the more I realized that it looked more like just like the complex ptsd EXCEPT for a few areas. " treatment providers here would say sorry you do not have CPTSD, not because you dont have the symptoms you see, but because that diagnosis label doesnt exist here. they would look at what your symptoms and problems are and match them with the presently used diagnostics and figure out which mental disorder in the Trauma and stressor related disorders better explains your problems. you can see what the present trauma and stressor related disorders we have now in the USA by clicking on the first link in my signature.

the acting like a child and infant, yes here in the USA we have many normal mental and physical health things that this behavior fits.

for example here in the USA we have something called inner child therapy. this is based on the premise that every human being has times when they feel like, act like, react like a child.

another example we have sexual fetishes here in the USA where adults sometimes gain emotional or physical comfort from, and sometimes sexual gratification from acting, behaving reacting like a child.

another example we have a variety of acting \roll playing\ fantasy play that involves feeling, acting like and behaving like a child.

another example sometimes people with brain trauma and health issues like alzheimer revert to child like thinking feeling behaving.

in regards to DID yes sometimes people have alters who are infants and toddlers, young children.

here in my location it is not an issue of keeping alters in control or hiding. here the standard is that dissociation is a reaction to a trigger, when someone has such a severe case of dissociation that they have dissociative type alters the alters and those they reside with in have their own sense of agency (thats one of the links at the bottom of my post) because each has their own sense of agency sometimes it causes disruptions example I would be at work and a rain storm would start which would trigger my dissociating (feeling numb, spaced out, disconnected) and my alter Rainy would take control. my work schedule would go off track because Rainy would leave my desk, go to a window to shut the window once her sense of agency was done either i would be back in the present and go back to work or another alter would take control based on what needed to be done.

in my location, because DID is a dissociative disorder whether the alters are in control or not depends upon being triggered to the extreme of dissociation. it isnt a choice. DID causes so much disfunction, disruptions and affects a persons whole like in so many negative ways that most people with DID would rather not be DID, would rather be physically ill rather than this and would not wish this mental disorder on another. there's very little control over alters.

that said some people who have been in therapy for many years can learn what their dissociation symptoms are and use their treatment options so that they can handle their own problems, short version since dissociation is a main component for DID, no dissociation to abnormal levels means an alter doesnt take control...

example when i was able to handle thunder storms on my own to where thunderstorms didnt trigger me into dissociating, Rainy didnt take control anymore, when she was no longer needed to do her part in the system she merged together with me to become one whole person with me.

my suggestion is continue to go on what ever your own treatment provider is diagnosing and treating you. since your mental health treatment provider hasnt diagnosed you with DID you can relax.

that said if you feel you have a mental disorder that you are not diagnosed with you can ask your treatment provider for an assessment for diagnosis of mental disorders. then they can explain to you how and why what you are seeing as possibly being DID, is PTSD in your location. it may be that your treatment provider had to assess whether your problems are better explained with what you have been diagnosed with. and that your treatment provider may feel your insiders dont fit the dissociative type alters.

ultimately only your treatment providers can explain how and why you are diagnosed the way you are.

[CANDC]

Hi confused. Sorry your symptoms are not neatly all PTSD, but dx's are never easy and often overlap other illnesses. Here are articles that may be of help
Psych Central - Search results for Coping with PTSD

Sherri: Hi CBM....it sounds like your therapist has a handle on it....lucky you!

Like I can control the others (not), but if we had a common goal to work for, a life theme, we can or did do that. But now we all are wanting to seperate because if we do, we now can get help. Pretending to be one person means that you're not really looking for help.

Funny thing about the hat saying...everybody wears different hats, but we special ones have an other part for each hat! :P

First off, it's not other people inside of you, it's just a dissociated part that can be integrated through therapy work- to become part of you where it should of been but we have a disposition to fragment.

It takes a lot of pain to get better, or so I heard. One has to go back to the trauma to have it resolved....Idk myself, that's what I've heard.

Keep trusting your T and fear not the process. Good luck! (Envious)