[lucidity11]

I just realized what is causing me to want to isolate, it's responsibility. I don't want to be responsible for anything. Not a job, not my home, nothing. Just thinking about it creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. That was one of the problems with work. When I was asked to work a job with more responsibility I had a panic attack and called my boss and told him I couldn't work there. After a few weeks he placed me in a location that has only the amount of responsibility I want to apply to it. There is a lot of work to do but I can arrange my day around my issues with anxiety. When I was little I felt I was responsible to maintain the safety in the house. That I needed to break up the fights or try to prevent them. I felt responsible for the safety of my sister and brother. I thought if I stood between them and the insanity they would be ok and I could keep my mother and sister from killing each other. I remember deciding that that is what I would do. I think I was seven. Maybe younger. Maybe that is why the idea of responsibility causes such anxiety. I didn't mind responsibility when I was in my twenties, thirties but in my mid forties I started to struggle with it. I moved around in jobs both full time and part time. In fact there were times when I had three jobs at a time. I know now that was to occupy my mind so I wouldn't get lost. It feels good to write this. Maybe I will talk to my t and ask if there is a way to work with the anxiety related to the feeling of having to be responsible in the present.

Me too!!!

I always wanted the top job, but lately too I've begun to realize that I'm incapable of taking on such tasks. My self employment grinded to a halt and froze...so I closed shop, sold most of my tools, and wanted to crawl into a cave for the rest of my life.

But now I have a 9 to 5 working on tasks, but dealing with the other employees has gotten weird. I hear the whispers, I see the looks, and have to deal with effed up attitudes towards me, and all I wanted was to be friendly. I almost quit over that.

But now, it's like screw them.

Oh well, I wish you well and peace in your work.

[Skeezyks]

Hello lucidity11: The Skeezyks has now aged into his retirement years. He no longer wants, or takes, any responsibility for anything of any consequence... not that he ever did really... He is fortunate to have a spouse who wants to be in charge.